The night after Sebastian announced he would give his throne to Valana, he retired to his bedroom with Georg. “Lukas seemed rather odd during the festivities. I wonder what’s wrong with him.”
“Um, I dunno, what could it be, maybe it was the fact he wanted to rule hell.” replied Georg sarcastically. “And you just gave it to some stranger.”
“Lukas? Rule hell? He’s never said anything about that before!”
Georg rolled his eyes. “Lukas is almost never the one to say what he wants you to do directly. Passive aggressive, I guess. Or just his shitty self-esteem.”
“D-do you really think Lukas has poor self esteem? I- I never saw it that way before.” Sebastian seemed genuinely depressed about that. Lukas was his son. He wanted all of his children to be happy about themselves.
“Let me put it this way, Sebbie. If Lukas had good self esteem, he’d be Xander.”
“Georg! That’s a terrible thing to say!”
“Yeah, you’re right, it is. It’s really quite insulting to Lukas. If Lukas had good self esteem, he’d be a much more competent version of Xander who’d have taken over the world hundreds of years ago.”
“Um, I dunno, what could it be, maybe it was the fact he wanted to rule hell.” replied Georg sarcastically. “And you just gave it to some stranger.”
“Lukas? Rule hell? He’s never said anything about that before!”
Georg rolled his eyes. “Lukas is almost never the one to say what he wants you to do directly. Passive aggressive, I guess. Or just his shitty self-esteem.”
“D-do you really think Lukas has poor self esteem? I- I never saw it that way before.” Sebastian seemed genuinely depressed about that. Lukas was his son. He wanted all of his children to be happy about themselves.
“Let me put it this way, Sebbie. If Lukas had good self esteem, he’d be Xander.”
“Georg! That’s a terrible thing to say!”
“Yeah, you’re right, it is. It’s really quite insulting to Lukas. If Lukas had good self esteem, he’d be a much more competent version of Xander who’d have taken over the world hundreds of years ago.”
This was Lukas’s morning routine. He would get up, wash his face, brush his hair, prestidigitate himself clean, and rub on his alchemical deodorant. He washed his glasses, then put them on.
The next step was to get dressed. He put on his various layers of shirts first, then his pants, then his shoes. And, because he was going into his alchemical lab, his protective coat and eyewear. The eyewear went over his regular glasses, because if anything happened to the eyewear, he still wanted to be able to see. When Lukas entered, everything in his lab would slide open for him, knowing his preferences. His cognatogen slides out from its special container, and every morning Lukas downs it in one taste, every ounce of the glittering liquid going right down.
Lukas tries to ignore that he hates the taste.
As Lukas brews another congatogen, his second one, he binds three spirits to him, based on what he’s expecting to encounter that day. Soon the congatogen is finished. Lukas drinks it. Both of them clash together in Lukas’s body, giving him a blistering headache before final peace, unity. Lukas sometimes wonders if he should be concerned about the headaches. But the risks are worth the result to him.
And then Lukas has breakfast.
The next step was to get dressed. He put on his various layers of shirts first, then his pants, then his shoes. And, because he was going into his alchemical lab, his protective coat and eyewear. The eyewear went over his regular glasses, because if anything happened to the eyewear, he still wanted to be able to see. When Lukas entered, everything in his lab would slide open for him, knowing his preferences. His cognatogen slides out from its special container, and every morning Lukas downs it in one taste, every ounce of the glittering liquid going right down.
Lukas tries to ignore that he hates the taste.
As Lukas brews another congatogen, his second one, he binds three spirits to him, based on what he’s expecting to encounter that day. Soon the congatogen is finished. Lukas drinks it. Both of them clash together in Lukas’s body, giving him a blistering headache before final peace, unity. Lukas sometimes wonders if he should be concerned about the headaches. But the risks are worth the result to him.
And then Lukas has breakfast.
Lukas enjoys binding spirits. Though he’ll never be as good at it as a true occultist, it’s at least a pastime. There are so many options to bind. However, ever since the Valana incident he bound a combination of Dead Kings, Yith’anu, and Overmind. Binding these three covers Lukas’s body in markings, eyes all over his body, with images of tiefling rulers on his face, all with overlarge eyes. Lukas had read that Dead Kings would always show images of his race’s greatest rulers on his face, carving them in there, but had always hoped they’d show unknown tieflings from ages past, those he’d never heard of. Not his own father and Xander on the left cheek (both of which he heavily protested to the inclusion of) and Tsar Dmitri and Esfir on the right (They were fine rulers, much better than those other two). And he was surprised by the addition, right after Anya’s coronation, of her on his brow, arms spread out wide, wearing the bloodstone crown like both her relations. Unlike everyone else on his face, she was smiling.
It would be strange to show up with these tattoos to any gathering, but that was what makeup and disguise self was for. And the only people who could see through illusions and beyond makeup knew that Lukas was an amateur binder, a person who was expected to have weird markings on his face, spirits echoing in his head. If he really got into a situation he couldn’t have any alterations showing in at all, he would brew a potion that would completely suppress these signs, at the cost of not being able to show them when needed.
Pact binding was a useful toolbox, like demon binding and negotiation, alchemy and grammarie. Lukas never bound devils. He found it gauche- he was part devil himself. But he wasn’t part demon. Demons were fine.
Lukas was not a born ruler. Ambition was not a trait he’d naturally developed. In fact, he’d once thought that he would be the worst ruler at all. But then he looked at Xander and his father and the voices in his head whispered, “Well. You couldn’t do any worse, could you?”
Lukas looked forward to the day he would appear on his own face. Maybe on that day he wouldn’t cover those markings.
It would be strange to show up with these tattoos to any gathering, but that was what makeup and disguise self was for. And the only people who could see through illusions and beyond makeup knew that Lukas was an amateur binder, a person who was expected to have weird markings on his face, spirits echoing in his head. If he really got into a situation he couldn’t have any alterations showing in at all, he would brew a potion that would completely suppress these signs, at the cost of not being able to show them when needed.
Pact binding was a useful toolbox, like demon binding and negotiation, alchemy and grammarie. Lukas never bound devils. He found it gauche- he was part devil himself. But he wasn’t part demon. Demons were fine.
Lukas was not a born ruler. Ambition was not a trait he’d naturally developed. In fact, he’d once thought that he would be the worst ruler at all. But then he looked at Xander and his father and the voices in his head whispered, “Well. You couldn’t do any worse, could you?”
Lukas looked forward to the day he would appear on his own face. Maybe on that day he wouldn’t cover those markings.
Most occultists complained about hearing voices. They hated it. Lukas was more than fine with it. He always heard a voice, a cutting voice that told him how incompetent and horrible and stupid he was. That it was only when he took his cognatogens and bound his spirits was he not a terrible and awful waste of space, an unperson, something that leeched off of everyone’s time and energy. And when the spirits came they drowned out that voice, Lukas’s helpful advisors, with their great store of knowledge and advice, and Lukas was free.
Lukas stared at Dominik. Dominik was a small tiefling baby, a wailing one, with tiny nubs of horns already showing. “Hold your brother for me, darling.” said Sebastian. Lukas stared at Dominik. He hadn’t been a father for years. Frankly, he had forgotten how to baby. Lukas took Dominik from his father. He patted him gently. Alright, baby. Shut up, baby. Shh, baby, shhh. Shh, shut up. Quiet down, nice baby, good baby.
“You don’t have to mutter at him, dear.” said Sebastian, taking the baby back. Lukas was unaware he was muttering. Dominik did not show any signs of being more quiet. “Isn’t he the most darling thing? I mean, besides you and all your siblings as little small things?”
Lukas blinked. “Even Xander?”
“Oh, even your brother was the cutest little thing as an infant. And then as a toddler, wobbling around on his tiny little hoovsies… you’re going to wander around on those baby hoovsies, aren’t you, Dominik? Oh, I wish I’d kept all those baby clothes. I don’t know how I’m going to accessorize him in exile.”
Lukas frankly thought that dressing up baby was the least important thing in Sebastian’s life right now. “The demiplane is going well. I’ve managed to finish negotiations with Elian. He’s willing to help us with the demiplane, send some of his people over.”
“I’m not really sure you should trust Elian.” said Sebastian. “He works for the Starry One, and like I told you about the Starry One and your father….”
Lukas did not honestly care about that story. Though it was awful that Von Wolff had hurt Monroe, and forced Dominik to exist, if it saved the universe or whatever Lukas was perfectly fine with it. “Isn’t Elian one of your old friends? I am sure he is incredibly trustable. Trustworthy, even. All of his staff is extremely well trained, competent, and disciplined. Why, even Mes-”
“I know, I know, I know they’re all very smart, but….” Sebastian pushed his hand against his face and sighed. “Lukas. I’m not sure it’s a good idea to trust them.” He sighed. “That’s hard to say, we were such good friends for years, but I don’t know.”
“Father, that is literally the thing you just said.” said Lukas. “You can’t just repeat yourself and say it is a valid argument.”
“Well, you can’t win an argument just by pointing out the flaws in the other persons’s arguing! If you still don’t have a valid argument of your own, it doesn’t work!”
“I have made a valid argument. Father, what is the worst that could happen? Oh no, the Starry One could manipulate the project to save the universe! How terrible! We wouldn’t want that to happen!”
“Lukas.”
“He’s sending me someone who’s an expert on modern factory design, an illusion expert, and a terminal person who may or may not be M-”
“Alright. It is your project after all. I’ll trust your judgment on this.”
Lukas let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you, father.”
“You don’t have to mutter at him, dear.” said Sebastian, taking the baby back. Lukas was unaware he was muttering. Dominik did not show any signs of being more quiet. “Isn’t he the most darling thing? I mean, besides you and all your siblings as little small things?”
Lukas blinked. “Even Xander?”
“Oh, even your brother was the cutest little thing as an infant. And then as a toddler, wobbling around on his tiny little hoovsies… you’re going to wander around on those baby hoovsies, aren’t you, Dominik? Oh, I wish I’d kept all those baby clothes. I don’t know how I’m going to accessorize him in exile.”
Lukas frankly thought that dressing up baby was the least important thing in Sebastian’s life right now. “The demiplane is going well. I’ve managed to finish negotiations with Elian. He’s willing to help us with the demiplane, send some of his people over.”
“I’m not really sure you should trust Elian.” said Sebastian. “He works for the Starry One, and like I told you about the Starry One and your father….”
Lukas did not honestly care about that story. Though it was awful that Von Wolff had hurt Monroe, and forced Dominik to exist, if it saved the universe or whatever Lukas was perfectly fine with it. “Isn’t Elian one of your old friends? I am sure he is incredibly trustable. Trustworthy, even. All of his staff is extremely well trained, competent, and disciplined. Why, even Mes-”
“I know, I know, I know they’re all very smart, but….” Sebastian pushed his hand against his face and sighed. “Lukas. I’m not sure it’s a good idea to trust them.” He sighed. “That’s hard to say, we were such good friends for years, but I don’t know.”
“Father, that is literally the thing you just said.” said Lukas. “You can’t just repeat yourself and say it is a valid argument.”
“Well, you can’t win an argument just by pointing out the flaws in the other persons’s arguing! If you still don’t have a valid argument of your own, it doesn’t work!”
“I have made a valid argument. Father, what is the worst that could happen? Oh no, the Starry One could manipulate the project to save the universe! How terrible! We wouldn’t want that to happen!”
“Lukas.”
“He’s sending me someone who’s an expert on modern factory design, an illusion expert, and a terminal person who may or may not be M-”
“Alright. It is your project after all. I’ll trust your judgment on this.”
Lukas let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you, father.”
Lukas left the hidden place, and was about to summon his transport person when he was ambushed. Instinctively, Lukas opened his mouth to screech out the code word that would summon a balor to his side, but his attacker shoved his hand into his mouth, silencing him. Lukas looked at who had assaulted him.
Oh. It was his other father.
Georg looked worse than Lukas had ever seen him. Disheveled, in desperate need of a bath, and- oh gods, his eyes! What was wrong with his eyes? Whatever it was, they leaked dried, crusty black blood down his face. “Hi son. Please, don’t panic. It’s just me. Your pop. Georg.” Georg took his hand out of Lukas’s mouth. Lukas was still considering summoning that balor.
“H-hello, father. You-what-I-”
“I bet I don’t look that great, do I? I don’t feel that great, or smell that great, or anything that great, either! How’s your dad doing?”
“F-fine,” spat out Lukas. “Um, what happened to you?”
“She was not happy.” said Georg. “She was not happy with me at all. I don’t need to see. She took my eyes. She says I can have them back once she’s happy with me. Once I’ve appeased her.”
“W-why your eyes?”
Georg laughed, a startling, horrid laugh that made Lukas want to curl up and die. “Well, she didn’t really take them, son! I’m just looking into an alternate universe where everything is horrible and awful and SEBASTIAN IS DEAD. Though that’s kind of redundant, isn’t it? With your father dead, nothing really matters. Everything! Is! Automatically! AWFUL!”
“I suppose that’s true.” Lukas said. “I- I know I would be devestated if Thalia died.”
“NO YOU WOULDN’T!” screeeched Georg, directly into Lukas’s sensitive ears. “You don’t love her as much as I love your dad! YOU DON’T LOVE HER A FRACTION OF THAT! If my love for Sebastian is the cosmos, your love for her is a planet. No, a comet. No, a fleck of dust, floating in space.”
“You don’t know how much I love Thalia.” replied Lukas. “Don’t you think that’s rather rude?”
“NOPE! IT’S TRUE!” Georg laughed again, mouth open wide, propelling a cloud of horrible breath smell into Lukas’s face. Lukas continued to want to curl up and die. Whyyyy. Why was this happeningggg. “Anyway, what about Dominik? How is he doing?”
“He’s also fine. He’s a very loud baby. Um, why don’t you go ask father these things yourself?”
“DON’T CALL HIM YOUR FATHER! IT MAKES YOU SOUND LIKE XANDER!” Lukas had always called Sebastian father, way before Xander, and was uncertain why Georg thought it was vise versa. “BABY XANDER, LEARNING TO FLY. ONCE HE GETS OFF THE GROUND, HE’LL NEVER COME BACK! HE’LL CONQUER THE WORLD, AND NEVER COME BACK DOWN!”
Lukas had no idea what the hell Georg was talking about. “Why don’t you ask my other parent, who I am not allowed to call my father, these things yourself?”
“I’m invisible to him.” explained Georg. “And I can’t sense him like I sense other people. Like in the alternate universe, you’re also here, and also very frightened, but we’re fighting. But in that alternate universe, Sebastian will stay in one place forever! HIS TOMB! Xander took his own father’s heart and made it his second heart. Now he has his father’s power, the power of a god and an devil and an angel, two hearts pump, ba dump, ba dump.”
“That’s horrible.” said Lukas. Secretly he was wondering the logistics of the bloodflow there as well. “Um, father, is this all you wanted to ask? How Sebastian is doing? How Dominik is doing?”
“OF COURSE NOT! THERE’S STILL ONE PERSON WHO I CARE ABOUT?” Lukas’s heart soared. Was his father finally taking an interest in him?
“Well, I’m-”
“NOT YOU!” Georg rolled his eyes. “Why ever you? Monroe. How is he doing?”
Lukas sighed, a long, deep sigh. The voice in the back of his head began muttering about how Lukas should have never expected to be important to Georg, and how he was never important to anyone. “I’ve heard he’s doing better. Not good, you know, but better. He’s eating by himself, and talking, though only to his cat.”
“THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” screeched Georg, grabbing Lukas by his collar. He easily picked up his son as he stood up, holding him above the air. His fingers on one hand extended into claws. But how? Georg could only do that with his mutagen active. But if it was active-
Lukas sudddenly realized that his father could very easily kill him, was on the potion that made him very angry, very out of it, and had been tormented by an entity to the point where he seriously needed help, and let out a yelp. “SHUT UP!” screamed Georg. “Don’t you dare make a sound! Except to tell me WHY MONROE ISN’T DOING BETTER!?”
Lukas shook his head in fear, tears beginning to roll down his cheeks. “Is that my fault?” he spat out. “Am I the one somehow holding Monroe back from recovery? Father, please, don’t hurt me!”
Georg dropped Lukas on the ground, and Lukas heard something crunch. “Oh gods. Lukas, I- Lukas I- I would never hurt you, you know that, you know that I’m your pop, your father, your dad, I would never-”
But Lukas was already running far, far away.
Oh. It was his other father.
Georg looked worse than Lukas had ever seen him. Disheveled, in desperate need of a bath, and- oh gods, his eyes! What was wrong with his eyes? Whatever it was, they leaked dried, crusty black blood down his face. “Hi son. Please, don’t panic. It’s just me. Your pop. Georg.” Georg took his hand out of Lukas’s mouth. Lukas was still considering summoning that balor.
“H-hello, father. You-what-I-”
“I bet I don’t look that great, do I? I don’t feel that great, or smell that great, or anything that great, either! How’s your dad doing?”
“F-fine,” spat out Lukas. “Um, what happened to you?”
“She was not happy.” said Georg. “She was not happy with me at all. I don’t need to see. She took my eyes. She says I can have them back once she’s happy with me. Once I’ve appeased her.”
“W-why your eyes?”
Georg laughed, a startling, horrid laugh that made Lukas want to curl up and die. “Well, she didn’t really take them, son! I’m just looking into an alternate universe where everything is horrible and awful and SEBASTIAN IS DEAD. Though that’s kind of redundant, isn’t it? With your father dead, nothing really matters. Everything! Is! Automatically! AWFUL!”
“I suppose that’s true.” Lukas said. “I- I know I would be devestated if Thalia died.”
“NO YOU WOULDN’T!” screeeched Georg, directly into Lukas’s sensitive ears. “You don’t love her as much as I love your dad! YOU DON’T LOVE HER A FRACTION OF THAT! If my love for Sebastian is the cosmos, your love for her is a planet. No, a comet. No, a fleck of dust, floating in space.”
“You don’t know how much I love Thalia.” replied Lukas. “Don’t you think that’s rather rude?”
“NOPE! IT’S TRUE!” Georg laughed again, mouth open wide, propelling a cloud of horrible breath smell into Lukas’s face. Lukas continued to want to curl up and die. Whyyyy. Why was this happeningggg. “Anyway, what about Dominik? How is he doing?”
“He’s also fine. He’s a very loud baby. Um, why don’t you go ask father these things yourself?”
“DON’T CALL HIM YOUR FATHER! IT MAKES YOU SOUND LIKE XANDER!” Lukas had always called Sebastian father, way before Xander, and was uncertain why Georg thought it was vise versa. “BABY XANDER, LEARNING TO FLY. ONCE HE GETS OFF THE GROUND, HE’LL NEVER COME BACK! HE’LL CONQUER THE WORLD, AND NEVER COME BACK DOWN!”
Lukas had no idea what the hell Georg was talking about. “Why don’t you ask my other parent, who I am not allowed to call my father, these things yourself?”
“I’m invisible to him.” explained Georg. “And I can’t sense him like I sense other people. Like in the alternate universe, you’re also here, and also very frightened, but we’re fighting. But in that alternate universe, Sebastian will stay in one place forever! HIS TOMB! Xander took his own father’s heart and made it his second heart. Now he has his father’s power, the power of a god and an devil and an angel, two hearts pump, ba dump, ba dump.”
“That’s horrible.” said Lukas. Secretly he was wondering the logistics of the bloodflow there as well. “Um, father, is this all you wanted to ask? How Sebastian is doing? How Dominik is doing?”
“OF COURSE NOT! THERE’S STILL ONE PERSON WHO I CARE ABOUT?” Lukas’s heart soared. Was his father finally taking an interest in him?
“Well, I’m-”
“NOT YOU!” Georg rolled his eyes. “Why ever you? Monroe. How is he doing?”
Lukas sighed, a long, deep sigh. The voice in the back of his head began muttering about how Lukas should have never expected to be important to Georg, and how he was never important to anyone. “I’ve heard he’s doing better. Not good, you know, but better. He’s eating by himself, and talking, though only to his cat.”
“THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” screeched Georg, grabbing Lukas by his collar. He easily picked up his son as he stood up, holding him above the air. His fingers on one hand extended into claws. But how? Georg could only do that with his mutagen active. But if it was active-
Lukas sudddenly realized that his father could very easily kill him, was on the potion that made him very angry, very out of it, and had been tormented by an entity to the point where he seriously needed help, and let out a yelp. “SHUT UP!” screamed Georg. “Don’t you dare make a sound! Except to tell me WHY MONROE ISN’T DOING BETTER!?”
Lukas shook his head in fear, tears beginning to roll down his cheeks. “Is that my fault?” he spat out. “Am I the one somehow holding Monroe back from recovery? Father, please, don’t hurt me!”
Georg dropped Lukas on the ground, and Lukas heard something crunch. “Oh gods. Lukas, I- Lukas I- I would never hurt you, you know that, you know that I’m your pop, your father, your dad, I would never-”
But Lukas was already running far, far away.
Xander is a golden boy with bloodstained hands. His resurrection, his redemption, is everything that Sebastian can talk about. With tearstained eyes he talks about how wonderful it is that Xander is on the path to goodness, how happy he is that he can finally spend time with his son, can be proud of him again.
Lukas doesn’t think Xander has done anything prideworthy. He sits in Maelys’s mansion, wide-eyed, forgetting who and where he is if someone doesn’t remind him. Sometimes he screams, sometimes he stares at his hands, unbelieving, sometimes he cries. Lukas has dedicated his life to serving his father. When he and Cassandra weren’t collaborating, he was working for him. Trying to make Hell a better place. Trying to make his father...work, as a person.
Because there was no doubt in Lukas’s mind that his father was dedicated, but competence was where he struggled.
So why can’t his father be proud of him?
Lukas doesn’t think Xander has done anything prideworthy. He sits in Maelys’s mansion, wide-eyed, forgetting who and where he is if someone doesn’t remind him. Sometimes he screams, sometimes he stares at his hands, unbelieving, sometimes he cries. Lukas has dedicated his life to serving his father. When he and Cassandra weren’t collaborating, he was working for him. Trying to make Hell a better place. Trying to make his father...work, as a person.
Because there was no doubt in Lukas’s mind that his father was dedicated, but competence was where he struggled.
So why can’t his father be proud of him?
There is nothing that can get the voices out of Lukas’s head now. There is nothing that can stop them telling Lukas how much of a waste of space he is. He will never, ever be able to help anyone, because someone smarter will come in and solve the problem better than him. That’s how it was with Cassandra. Sometimes Lukas feels sick when people talk about what the “two” of them accomplished like it was the both of them, because Lukas never feels to himself like he actually did anything. It was all Cassandra, and everything else seems like horrible lies, slipping out of his mouth and burning his tongue. Even Cassandra has deceived herself into thinking Lukas was of any value.
But this answers Lukas’s question to his father, “Why don’t you appreciate me?”
“What is there to appreciate?” Is the unspoken, unasked for reply. His father screams it to Lukas in his head, always.
But this answers Lukas’s question to his father, “Why don’t you appreciate me?”
“What is there to appreciate?” Is the unspoken, unasked for reply. His father screams it to Lukas in his head, always.
Von Wolff still hasn’t apologized for attacking Lukas. Xander was tormented by Father (apparently) and Von Wolff was tormented by The Starry One. Anya. Whatever. Lukas is tormented by himself.
Without anything to stop the feelings of defeat, of worthlessness, of everything, Lukas has lost the ability to envision a better future for himself. Is there anything in his life right now that would make him happy? He really doesn’t love Thalia as much as he thought, it’s true. While his parents love for each other is blinding, burning (even if his father sometimes forgets that) then the way that he and Thalia love each other is just embers, slowly burning down, burning out. When is she finally going to see him for who he really is and leave him, yeah, leave him alone like he should be, like he deserves to be?
Without anything to stop the feelings of defeat, of worthlessness, of everything, Lukas has lost the ability to envision a better future for himself. Is there anything in his life right now that would make him happy? He really doesn’t love Thalia as much as he thought, it’s true. While his parents love for each other is blinding, burning (even if his father sometimes forgets that) then the way that he and Thalia love each other is just embers, slowly burning down, burning out. When is she finally going to see him for who he really is and leave him, yeah, leave him alone like he should be, like he deserves to be?
Lukas doesn’t really say anything to Xander. It’s now a week after he returned. He doesn’t just sit around anymore. He sits next to Illiam in meetings, sometimes speaks, especially when he has something to say.
Xander’s thoughts are condensed, precise, brief. It is a stark difference from the Xander of elongated words, who would take forever to put together his thoughts, who would speak for ages.
He only has one conversation with him.
Xander sits on a chair outside of one of the conference room, and there’s no way Lukas can avoid him now. Staring awkwardly at his brother, Lukas smiles at him slightly, forcing his lips to curl in a cheerful shape. “Good morning, Xander.”
Xander looks up at Lukas, black-white eyes soft. “Oh. Good morning, Lukas. Are you waiting for our father as well?”
“No.” replied Lukas. “Why are you waiting for him?”
Xander smiles softly. “I just want to talk to him.”
“Why?”
Xander looks up at the ceiling. “I’m trying to have a better relationship with him. I understand him a lot better now.”
Lukas blinks sharply. “You want to have a better relationship with him?”
“Precisely.” replies Xander. “I appreciate him a lot more after I’ve met Alexil.”
Xander? Appreciating Sebastian? “And Alexil… was he everything you thought he would be?”
And then, before Lukas can respond, Xander starts screaming, clasping his hands over his ears, and Illiam is there in a flash, wrapping his arms around Xander, soft pale hands in his long black hair, kissing his forehead, stopping his body from shaking.
“Xander, Xander, you’re alive, I’m here, you’re okay right now.”
“I thought-”
Illiam gently touches his forehead against Xander’s. “You’re okay right now, Xander. You’re safe. I’m here. I’m really here. I’m real.”
“You’re real.”
“I’m real.” repeats Illiam, and Lukas feels another pang of jealousy. It must be nice to have someone like that, who would be willing to hold you through your suffering. Thalia prefers to let Lukas calm down on his own but… well….
Those soft hands in Xander’s hair…
And Lukas can’t think straight and….
Xander’s thoughts are condensed, precise, brief. It is a stark difference from the Xander of elongated words, who would take forever to put together his thoughts, who would speak for ages.
He only has one conversation with him.
Xander sits on a chair outside of one of the conference room, and there’s no way Lukas can avoid him now. Staring awkwardly at his brother, Lukas smiles at him slightly, forcing his lips to curl in a cheerful shape. “Good morning, Xander.”
Xander looks up at Lukas, black-white eyes soft. “Oh. Good morning, Lukas. Are you waiting for our father as well?”
“No.” replied Lukas. “Why are you waiting for him?”
Xander smiles softly. “I just want to talk to him.”
“Why?”
Xander looks up at the ceiling. “I’m trying to have a better relationship with him. I understand him a lot better now.”
Lukas blinks sharply. “You want to have a better relationship with him?”
“Precisely.” replies Xander. “I appreciate him a lot more after I’ve met Alexil.”
Xander? Appreciating Sebastian? “And Alexil… was he everything you thought he would be?”
And then, before Lukas can respond, Xander starts screaming, clasping his hands over his ears, and Illiam is there in a flash, wrapping his arms around Xander, soft pale hands in his long black hair, kissing his forehead, stopping his body from shaking.
“Xander, Xander, you’re alive, I’m here, you’re okay right now.”
“I thought-”
Illiam gently touches his forehead against Xander’s. “You’re okay right now, Xander. You’re safe. I’m here. I’m really here. I’m real.”
“You’re real.”
“I’m real.” repeats Illiam, and Lukas feels another pang of jealousy. It must be nice to have someone like that, who would be willing to hold you through your suffering. Thalia prefers to let Lukas calm down on his own but… well….
Those soft hands in Xander’s hair…
And Lukas can’t think straight and….
Lukas used to take anitu dust. He hasn’t for years, despite the fact it’s so potent, it makes him think so quickly, so clearly.
He has to maintain relevance. He has to be good for something.
He still has a box of it in his things.
He forgot how much it hurt, he forgot how it made his eyes red, his nose bleed.
He forgot the rumors that it was made from souls.
He wakes up with a horrible sneezing nosebleed. There’s large clumps, gobs in it and he stares at it in the sink.
“Lukie? Are things okay?” asks Thalia from the bedroom.
“Everything’s fine.” lies Lukas. “Everything’s fine.”
He has to maintain relevance. He has to be good for something.
He still has a box of it in his things.
He forgot how much it hurt, he forgot how it made his eyes red, his nose bleed.
He forgot the rumors that it was made from souls.
He wakes up with a horrible sneezing nosebleed. There’s large clumps, gobs in it and he stares at it in the sink.
“Lukie? Are things okay?” asks Thalia from the bedroom.
“Everything’s fine.” lies Lukas. “Everything’s fine.”
Lukas hides in the vast wasteland of that thing that would have been his city. His empty kingdom. Nobody will ever look for him here.
He walks around the city. He imagines how the buildings would have looked. He imagines the people walking in it. The sound of laughter and people talking. The artificial sun shining, rather than this grey nothingness.
He imagines his father smiling at him, telling him he’s done well, he’s useful, he’s a good person, he’s valued, he’s…
But he can’t anymore.
The lower half of his face is almost covered in blood.
He walks around the city. He imagines how the buildings would have looked. He imagines the people walking in it. The sound of laughter and people talking. The artificial sun shining, rather than this grey nothingness.
He imagines his father smiling at him, telling him he’s done well, he’s useful, he’s a good person, he’s valued, he’s…
But he can’t anymore.
The lower half of his face is almost covered in blood.
Author's Note: This is my autobiography. Also the classic, ancient story of... Sunday and the Piper! That's right, that's what this story is based on, the relationship between those two brothers in my Keys to the Kingdom fanfiction! Thanks for catching the reference. Now, depending if it's the PreSS version that means that Lukas is Sunday and Xander is The Piper, which is cool for Lukas because he eventually gets a sweet musical number in the 2nd musical and cool for Xander because-
I am of course joking. This is the story of the Prodigal Son from The Bible. Which I think is the original archetype of a lot of stuff and what I drew the Sunday/The Piper dynamic from so really they're like cousins, like Hawthorne and Roswell / Elato and Mateus in my great writing influence chart.
Word Count: 3306 words
Date: April 5-6 2016, but I'm pretty sure I wrote half in 2015.
"The Piper/Wednesday? That's so 2009. I only ship Ma`loth/Wednesday!"
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