oday was it! The day of the baby shower for our son to be. And wasn’t it exciting? I fiddled with moving the chairs into place as Mazin sat in one, watching and pulling out a cigar from a case. He twirled it around in his fingers, and a spark formed at the end of one. I put the chair down and swatted at his hands. “You’ll need to stop that when the baby’s born, you know! Or at least not around him.”
Mazin pouted. “Oh, come on, Krenmyr darling. He’ll have the same diabolical immune system as me, or he’ll be undead like you. A little second-hand smoke won’t hurt him.”
“But what if it does? I want to be concerned.”
“Oh, Krenmyr, no need to worry. Fine. I’ll won’t smoke around our baby. How’s that?”
“Perfect.” I leaned over and kissed Mazin on the cheek, and he put the cigar away.
“Better to stop now, than to have to give it up later. You’re testing me, Krenmyr.”
“I’ll make it up to you, somehow.” Though perhaps Mazin would put away all thoughts of making things up when he saw the darling face of his little half-devil son. I went back to the chairs, taking a brief glance at the clock as I did. When were the guests going to arrive, anyway? There was nobody here yet, save for the staff fiddling with the food preparations in the corner, and it was almost five to! Just as I was going to mention to Mazin that I was getting just a tad worried, Chandra and a figure who I assumed was Javier walked through the door. I mean, I had to only assume it was Javier because he was struggling with an enormous box, done up in ribbons and bows with glitzy paper, and we couldn’t see much of him. Chandra glided in elegantly, draped in moonlight and rushing towards me. “Oh, Krenmyr, Mazin, how long has it been since we’ve seen you in person? And to hear that you’re with child-?” Chandra wrapped me into a light hug, and Mazin stood up and placed his hands behind his back in an attempt to not hug Chandra. Chandra hugged him anyway. “Now, if it’s not too rude, is one of you actually bearing the child, right now? Or-?” Chandra left it open, but I knew what they meant.
“Oh, no. The child is with its surrogate mother right now. She didn’t want to come to this event, and she couldn’t leave the chapel anyway. Don’t worry, she’s being taken care of very well. Its an honor for her to bear our child.”
“Chapel? What sort of chapel?” asked the figure who was confirmed to be Javier, from the voice at least. “Special preparations for the child? When is it coming? Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”
“Put the gift over in the grey area.” replied Mazin, pointing with his thumb to that zone. “It’s just your typical desecrated and unhallowed chapel, and the mother has a very comfortable living area set up in it. There was a certain… difficulty with the problem of two parents, one of whom is a very… evolved undead, and unable anyway of birthing a child, and me, a devil, and unwilling to do such, combining to create a viable fertilized egg, and then transferring that egg, so we weren’t going to tell anyone that were were going to have a child until it was 100% certain. Not that it is 100% right now, that’s pregnancy after all, but it’s as close as we can get.”
“Understandable.” Javier walked over to the area with the grey rug, and placed the enormous box down. He’d chosen a more draconic form today- not fully dragon, of course, but his humanoid form had silver strands of metallic, shining hair rather than thick black locks, and his eyes were bright silver with slit draconic pupils, not simple grey human eyes. “So… who did you invite to this gathering? It’s not just us, is it?”
I resisted the urge to laugh at that. “Oh, of course not, Javier! Everyone’s been invited.” The dragon’s eyes went wide for a second, then back to normal as Chandra squeezed his hand comfortingly. “Oh! I’m sorry, I should have told you? Will it be fine?”
“Yes. Yes it will.” Javier smiled suddenly, exposing a mouth of pointed teeth. “Wonderful!” he added forcedly. “The best!”
“It will be a lovely time, Javier, don’t worry.” added Chandra soothingly.
“When you said everyone, you didn’t actually mean you invited everyone, because that would be impossible, this room is far too small to hold everyone and also, I’m sure there’s people you wouldn’t want to invite, so who actually is invited?” asked Javier.
I went through the guest list in my head mentally, before remembering that Mazin had been the one who made the guest list. Turning to him, he simply shrugged. “Oh, Javier, you know, the usual. It’s not like I invited Xander or anything, so don’t be worried.”
“Right. Right. But just, you know, I have so many interactions to be worried about. You know, with-” Just before Javier was going to bring up the fact that he was still unaware that he was the reincarnation of someone who had been erased from existence and that we couldn’t agree on what false memories to stuff in him, so we’d stuffed him with them all, he was interrupted by the sudden arrival of Tsarevich Kir Alkavov and his uncle, Vizier Helorie. What a wonderful coincidence!
“Vizier Helorie! Kir! It’s so lovely for you to come!” I said, waving to them both. Javier eyed them questionably. Hadn’t he met them before? In this form, I mean?
“My father sends his regrets in not being able to come.” replied Kir in a calm, even voice. “He really wished to come.”
Helorie let out a small snort at that. “Actually, I believe his exact words were, ‘A baby shower? What even is that, do you just throw babies at people or what? I don’t want to go to that!” The lich pushed Kir forward and then walked over to us. “Krenmyr, Mazin, I was personally fascinated to hear that you two were having a baby. I look forward to seeing what unholy abomination is going to wriggle its way out of whatever surrogate womb you’ve found.”
“Oh, it’s going to be the unholiest abomination!” I replied proudly. “Have you met Javier?”
“No. You’re Chandra’s new husband, aren’t you? Vizier Helorie Alkavov, of Uldok.”
“Oh! You’re Helorie Alkavov?” Javier seemed slightly less nervous and much more interested. “Vizier, sorry. I’ve read all your books. Or, at least, I think I have? Quasielemental Force Manipulation in Construct Animation III is your latest, right? I enjoyed your chapter on Radiance Quasielementals and their usage in modern energetic reversive fluxes. Though, I will admit, crossgrafting Radiance Quasielementals and shadows and extracting their vim principle tends to have more energistic results.”
“Really? I’ll have to try that out myself, then. Number three is my last, though I am working on four, as well as Necromancy through Transmutation, which I admit I have promised for quite a long time.”
“Necromancy through Transmutation? It’s really coming?” Helorie gave a half-smile and nodded.
“Yes, it is.”
Javier clapped his hands together, silver nails clicking. “That’s wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. What exciting news!”
I smiled and politely walked away from Helorie and Javier, and to Kir, who was standing near the presents, examining Javier and Chandra’s oversized box. “Thanks for coming, Kir. It’s nice to have you here.”
“Thank you.” said Kir, though he didn’t look like he meant it. “It’s interesting to hear you’re having a child, Krenmyr. I wasn’t aware that you could have one.”
I simply kept smiling at Kir. “Oh, I can, we’ve been working on a few spells to really make it possible. I could share them with you, if you’d like.”
“Oh, I’d have no reason to use them myself. I have no interest in children, and even if I did…” Kir adjusted his parasol, looked out the window and sighed wistfully for emphasis. “I don’t have anyone to have one with.”
“Oh.” I said. “Oh.” I didn’t really know what else to say. Kir’s situation was tragic, yes- all his lovers always turned out awful or dead or both, or they just didn’t get along to the point of trying to kill each other, and it was really just a huge mess. But what was anyone supposed to do about it? Not like anyone could just magic Kir up someone to love him, what was I supposed to do about his silly problems? I kind of awkwardly looked around, hoping someone else would show up. Oh! There was Taizhi and one of her consorts (I always got them mixed up) here! “Oh look, Kir, more guests! Hello, Taizhi!”
“So Krenmyr and Mazin are finally having a child? What’s next, will Chandra and Javier find a replacement for their little one? Will I at last give birth to a spawn?”
I kind of laughed, but I didn’t know if I should have laughed. “I’ve always wanted one, Mazin’s finally now agreeing to it. Oh, I’m just so happy, a little son for Krenmyr and me.”
“So there continues to be no women in this family? Not a little daughter for Mazin to spoil?”
“Well, I don’t just want one child, now do I? I’m sure when Mazin meets this one, he’ll simply agree with me, and our family will keep growing…”
Taizhi seemed amused by that. “Hm. I am quite curious to see what a cross between a devil and a drow will be. Especially a drow as… interesting as you.”
“I mean, there have been some half-devil, half drow hybrids before, but our little darling may be different. We met a few of the hybrids, and they seemed to be living very happy, very average lives! Though, we certainly don’t want our son to live an average life, not of all.”
“Well, I doubt he will. Mazin! Mazin!” Taizhi started walking towards Mazin, and her consort followed her. Please let someone else approach. Please let me not have to keep talking with Kir.
But I did have to keep talking with Kir, not only when the other guests arrived, but all throughout the very dull party. You know, you’d think that when the people who command the multiverse get together, it would be more interesting than talking about how lonely someone is or how tired they are of listening people talk about engineering superstructures. Kir glared at Javier the whole time he complained about the last one. When had he even met Javier before? Or was he just complaining about this one event? I was beginning to think that having a baby shower had been a terrible idea. Or at least inviting the Uldoki faction. Though Javier and Helorie seemed to be hitting it off, and it was always nice to see Javier clicking with people. Maybe just inviting Kir. Maybe inviting Kir anywhere was a bad idea for anyone.
After a loaf of rather boring cake, it was time for gifts, which was honestly the only reason Mazin had agreed to this shower. Despite that, it oddly looked like he was having a better time than me.
I clapped my hands to draw everyone’s attention. “Alright! So, let’s start with the gifts.” I stared at the boxes, wondering whose I should open first. Chandra and Javier were our closest friends, but if we opened their gift first, it being the largest, it would look kind of greedy. Was I supposed to open the Uldoki faction’s group first, since they had come so far for this? Or should I open the gift from those three devils who had showed up uninvited halfway through the party, bearing unwrapped wooden jars “for the dark messiah” first? I didn’t even know who they were, but Mazin seemed to think they were rather important. Before I could even begin to think of any other choices, Mazin reached over and grabbed the elaborately wrapped gift Taizhi had brought. “This one is from Taizhi. Ah, yes.” Mazin’s sharp but delicately manicured claws ripped at the wrappings of the gift and tore open the box, revealing it to be a crystal cornet of some sort. We’d been hoping to start him on the piano first, but a cornet was also an nice instrument for him to learn to play, someday. “A cornet. It’s a lovely gift, really.”
“It plays the songs of his dreams.” added Taizhi’s consort wistfully. “If someone plays it for him while he sleeps, it can aid in self-actualization and improvement, even at a young age.”
“That’s lovely.” I said, attempting not to ask how our baby would get to sleep if someone was playing an instrument over his cradle. “Thank you so much.”
Mazin handed me the present from the Uldoki faction, and, showing it around first, I opened it. Inside the box were two smaller boxes. The first contained a simple ring shaped like an ouroboros. A regenerative ring. All in all, a practical, simple, and much appreciated gift for baby. “It’s a ring of regeneration! Thank you so much. Oh! And what’s this? A spell matrix? You shouldn’t have.” I showed everyone the spell matrix. Yet another pratical gift for baby! Helorie must have picked them out. Kir would have just brought a painting of children crying, or the world’s most depressing picture book.
The three fiends who had randomly showed up at the party began glaring at Mazin to the point that he grabbed the unwrapped wooden jars. “Here is a gift from our friends. Senators Valmer, Jaizer, and Whif.” They had names? I had no idea. “Let’s see what’s in these boxes! Entrails, blood, and ashes! Well, those certainly are gifts! I’m sure the baby will appreciate them somehow. Here’s a gift from my vice-president, let’s see what it is. A rattlesnake rattle, that’s wonderful, I’m sure the baby will appreciate that.”
Okay, that was that. I was going to open the gift from Chandra and Javier, they were looking so worried about it, after all. “This is from Chandra and Javier. Let’s see what they got us….” Unwrapping the box, it revealed… a cabinet? Wow, a cabinet? I mean, not to be selfish or anything, but I was hoping my best friends would have gotten us more than a cabinet. I had so many cabinets. I could conjure a cabinet any time I desired. Thanks. “It’s a lovely cabinet!” I exclaimed, showing everyone the cabinet that was right in front of their faces. “Cabinet! Wonderful! Totally wooden!”
Javier stood up suddenly, as if he was finally going to get to leave, but Chandra got up as well and took his arm. “I think I’m going to go get some more cheese, Javier.” They whispered. The crowd began disapparating, as Mazin ordered his servants to take the gifts to our baby’s planned nursery.
“Do you like the cabinet? I thought it might be too much but Chandra says it’s fine.”
“It’s definitely not too much. It’s a lovely cabinet. Need lots of those.”
“Oh! How many things does the baby need? I think they’ll all fit in that cabinet.”
“Well, lots of clothes, and books, and toys, and you know, baby things. Like baby oils and powders and wipes and slings and you know, the entire universe of baby supplies, so much is needed for a simple baby. So, your cabinet, but lovely, may not be able to store it all. But that’s okay.”
“Didn’t you read the instructions? I put the instructions inside the wrapping so you wouldn’t miss them.”
“Javier, you saw me open the wrapping. Did you see me read the instructions?”
“You could have stopped time in order to read the instructions quickly so that you wouldn’t bother others.” Javier sighed and picked up the instruction manual. A thick tome, seemingly written in Draconic (why did Javier have to write everything in Draconic?), he flipped to the first page and began reading off the instructions. “To Mazin, and Krenmyr, and the child that this cabinet will one day belong to. This is a genuine Cabinet of Opening, a first edition original magical storage piece. To Open the Cabinet, one must speak the command word, in Draconic, Open. To Close the Cabinet, one must…”
Mazin pouted. “Oh, come on, Krenmyr darling. He’ll have the same diabolical immune system as me, or he’ll be undead like you. A little second-hand smoke won’t hurt him.”
“But what if it does? I want to be concerned.”
“Oh, Krenmyr, no need to worry. Fine. I’ll won’t smoke around our baby. How’s that?”
“Perfect.” I leaned over and kissed Mazin on the cheek, and he put the cigar away.
“Better to stop now, than to have to give it up later. You’re testing me, Krenmyr.”
“I’ll make it up to you, somehow.” Though perhaps Mazin would put away all thoughts of making things up when he saw the darling face of his little half-devil son. I went back to the chairs, taking a brief glance at the clock as I did. When were the guests going to arrive, anyway? There was nobody here yet, save for the staff fiddling with the food preparations in the corner, and it was almost five to! Just as I was going to mention to Mazin that I was getting just a tad worried, Chandra and a figure who I assumed was Javier walked through the door. I mean, I had to only assume it was Javier because he was struggling with an enormous box, done up in ribbons and bows with glitzy paper, and we couldn’t see much of him. Chandra glided in elegantly, draped in moonlight and rushing towards me. “Oh, Krenmyr, Mazin, how long has it been since we’ve seen you in person? And to hear that you’re with child-?” Chandra wrapped me into a light hug, and Mazin stood up and placed his hands behind his back in an attempt to not hug Chandra. Chandra hugged him anyway. “Now, if it’s not too rude, is one of you actually bearing the child, right now? Or-?” Chandra left it open, but I knew what they meant.
“Oh, no. The child is with its surrogate mother right now. She didn’t want to come to this event, and she couldn’t leave the chapel anyway. Don’t worry, she’s being taken care of very well. Its an honor for her to bear our child.”
“Chapel? What sort of chapel?” asked the figure who was confirmed to be Javier, from the voice at least. “Special preparations for the child? When is it coming? Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”
“Put the gift over in the grey area.” replied Mazin, pointing with his thumb to that zone. “It’s just your typical desecrated and unhallowed chapel, and the mother has a very comfortable living area set up in it. There was a certain… difficulty with the problem of two parents, one of whom is a very… evolved undead, and unable anyway of birthing a child, and me, a devil, and unwilling to do such, combining to create a viable fertilized egg, and then transferring that egg, so we weren’t going to tell anyone that were were going to have a child until it was 100% certain. Not that it is 100% right now, that’s pregnancy after all, but it’s as close as we can get.”
“Understandable.” Javier walked over to the area with the grey rug, and placed the enormous box down. He’d chosen a more draconic form today- not fully dragon, of course, but his humanoid form had silver strands of metallic, shining hair rather than thick black locks, and his eyes were bright silver with slit draconic pupils, not simple grey human eyes. “So… who did you invite to this gathering? It’s not just us, is it?”
I resisted the urge to laugh at that. “Oh, of course not, Javier! Everyone’s been invited.” The dragon’s eyes went wide for a second, then back to normal as Chandra squeezed his hand comfortingly. “Oh! I’m sorry, I should have told you? Will it be fine?”
“Yes. Yes it will.” Javier smiled suddenly, exposing a mouth of pointed teeth. “Wonderful!” he added forcedly. “The best!”
“It will be a lovely time, Javier, don’t worry.” added Chandra soothingly.
“When you said everyone, you didn’t actually mean you invited everyone, because that would be impossible, this room is far too small to hold everyone and also, I’m sure there’s people you wouldn’t want to invite, so who actually is invited?” asked Javier.
I went through the guest list in my head mentally, before remembering that Mazin had been the one who made the guest list. Turning to him, he simply shrugged. “Oh, Javier, you know, the usual. It’s not like I invited Xander or anything, so don’t be worried.”
“Right. Right. But just, you know, I have so many interactions to be worried about. You know, with-” Just before Javier was going to bring up the fact that he was still unaware that he was the reincarnation of someone who had been erased from existence and that we couldn’t agree on what false memories to stuff in him, so we’d stuffed him with them all, he was interrupted by the sudden arrival of Tsarevich Kir Alkavov and his uncle, Vizier Helorie. What a wonderful coincidence!
“Vizier Helorie! Kir! It’s so lovely for you to come!” I said, waving to them both. Javier eyed them questionably. Hadn’t he met them before? In this form, I mean?
“My father sends his regrets in not being able to come.” replied Kir in a calm, even voice. “He really wished to come.”
Helorie let out a small snort at that. “Actually, I believe his exact words were, ‘A baby shower? What even is that, do you just throw babies at people or what? I don’t want to go to that!” The lich pushed Kir forward and then walked over to us. “Krenmyr, Mazin, I was personally fascinated to hear that you two were having a baby. I look forward to seeing what unholy abomination is going to wriggle its way out of whatever surrogate womb you’ve found.”
“Oh, it’s going to be the unholiest abomination!” I replied proudly. “Have you met Javier?”
“No. You’re Chandra’s new husband, aren’t you? Vizier Helorie Alkavov, of Uldok.”
“Oh! You’re Helorie Alkavov?” Javier seemed slightly less nervous and much more interested. “Vizier, sorry. I’ve read all your books. Or, at least, I think I have? Quasielemental Force Manipulation in Construct Animation III is your latest, right? I enjoyed your chapter on Radiance Quasielementals and their usage in modern energetic reversive fluxes. Though, I will admit, crossgrafting Radiance Quasielementals and shadows and extracting their vim principle tends to have more energistic results.”
“Really? I’ll have to try that out myself, then. Number three is my last, though I am working on four, as well as Necromancy through Transmutation, which I admit I have promised for quite a long time.”
“Necromancy through Transmutation? It’s really coming?” Helorie gave a half-smile and nodded.
“Yes, it is.”
Javier clapped his hands together, silver nails clicking. “That’s wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. What exciting news!”
I smiled and politely walked away from Helorie and Javier, and to Kir, who was standing near the presents, examining Javier and Chandra’s oversized box. “Thanks for coming, Kir. It’s nice to have you here.”
“Thank you.” said Kir, though he didn’t look like he meant it. “It’s interesting to hear you’re having a child, Krenmyr. I wasn’t aware that you could have one.”
I simply kept smiling at Kir. “Oh, I can, we’ve been working on a few spells to really make it possible. I could share them with you, if you’d like.”
“Oh, I’d have no reason to use them myself. I have no interest in children, and even if I did…” Kir adjusted his parasol, looked out the window and sighed wistfully for emphasis. “I don’t have anyone to have one with.”
“Oh.” I said. “Oh.” I didn’t really know what else to say. Kir’s situation was tragic, yes- all his lovers always turned out awful or dead or both, or they just didn’t get along to the point of trying to kill each other, and it was really just a huge mess. But what was anyone supposed to do about it? Not like anyone could just magic Kir up someone to love him, what was I supposed to do about his silly problems? I kind of awkwardly looked around, hoping someone else would show up. Oh! There was Taizhi and one of her consorts (I always got them mixed up) here! “Oh look, Kir, more guests! Hello, Taizhi!”
“So Krenmyr and Mazin are finally having a child? What’s next, will Chandra and Javier find a replacement for their little one? Will I at last give birth to a spawn?”
I kind of laughed, but I didn’t know if I should have laughed. “I’ve always wanted one, Mazin’s finally now agreeing to it. Oh, I’m just so happy, a little son for Krenmyr and me.”
“So there continues to be no women in this family? Not a little daughter for Mazin to spoil?”
“Well, I don’t just want one child, now do I? I’m sure when Mazin meets this one, he’ll simply agree with me, and our family will keep growing…”
Taizhi seemed amused by that. “Hm. I am quite curious to see what a cross between a devil and a drow will be. Especially a drow as… interesting as you.”
“I mean, there have been some half-devil, half drow hybrids before, but our little darling may be different. We met a few of the hybrids, and they seemed to be living very happy, very average lives! Though, we certainly don’t want our son to live an average life, not of all.”
“Well, I doubt he will. Mazin! Mazin!” Taizhi started walking towards Mazin, and her consort followed her. Please let someone else approach. Please let me not have to keep talking with Kir.
But I did have to keep talking with Kir, not only when the other guests arrived, but all throughout the very dull party. You know, you’d think that when the people who command the multiverse get together, it would be more interesting than talking about how lonely someone is or how tired they are of listening people talk about engineering superstructures. Kir glared at Javier the whole time he complained about the last one. When had he even met Javier before? Or was he just complaining about this one event? I was beginning to think that having a baby shower had been a terrible idea. Or at least inviting the Uldoki faction. Though Javier and Helorie seemed to be hitting it off, and it was always nice to see Javier clicking with people. Maybe just inviting Kir. Maybe inviting Kir anywhere was a bad idea for anyone.
After a loaf of rather boring cake, it was time for gifts, which was honestly the only reason Mazin had agreed to this shower. Despite that, it oddly looked like he was having a better time than me.
I clapped my hands to draw everyone’s attention. “Alright! So, let’s start with the gifts.” I stared at the boxes, wondering whose I should open first. Chandra and Javier were our closest friends, but if we opened their gift first, it being the largest, it would look kind of greedy. Was I supposed to open the Uldoki faction’s group first, since they had come so far for this? Or should I open the gift from those three devils who had showed up uninvited halfway through the party, bearing unwrapped wooden jars “for the dark messiah” first? I didn’t even know who they were, but Mazin seemed to think they were rather important. Before I could even begin to think of any other choices, Mazin reached over and grabbed the elaborately wrapped gift Taizhi had brought. “This one is from Taizhi. Ah, yes.” Mazin’s sharp but delicately manicured claws ripped at the wrappings of the gift and tore open the box, revealing it to be a crystal cornet of some sort. We’d been hoping to start him on the piano first, but a cornet was also an nice instrument for him to learn to play, someday. “A cornet. It’s a lovely gift, really.”
“It plays the songs of his dreams.” added Taizhi’s consort wistfully. “If someone plays it for him while he sleeps, it can aid in self-actualization and improvement, even at a young age.”
“That’s lovely.” I said, attempting not to ask how our baby would get to sleep if someone was playing an instrument over his cradle. “Thank you so much.”
Mazin handed me the present from the Uldoki faction, and, showing it around first, I opened it. Inside the box were two smaller boxes. The first contained a simple ring shaped like an ouroboros. A regenerative ring. All in all, a practical, simple, and much appreciated gift for baby. “It’s a ring of regeneration! Thank you so much. Oh! And what’s this? A spell matrix? You shouldn’t have.” I showed everyone the spell matrix. Yet another pratical gift for baby! Helorie must have picked them out. Kir would have just brought a painting of children crying, or the world’s most depressing picture book.
The three fiends who had randomly showed up at the party began glaring at Mazin to the point that he grabbed the unwrapped wooden jars. “Here is a gift from our friends. Senators Valmer, Jaizer, and Whif.” They had names? I had no idea. “Let’s see what’s in these boxes! Entrails, blood, and ashes! Well, those certainly are gifts! I’m sure the baby will appreciate them somehow. Here’s a gift from my vice-president, let’s see what it is. A rattlesnake rattle, that’s wonderful, I’m sure the baby will appreciate that.”
Okay, that was that. I was going to open the gift from Chandra and Javier, they were looking so worried about it, after all. “This is from Chandra and Javier. Let’s see what they got us….” Unwrapping the box, it revealed… a cabinet? Wow, a cabinet? I mean, not to be selfish or anything, but I was hoping my best friends would have gotten us more than a cabinet. I had so many cabinets. I could conjure a cabinet any time I desired. Thanks. “It’s a lovely cabinet!” I exclaimed, showing everyone the cabinet that was right in front of their faces. “Cabinet! Wonderful! Totally wooden!”
Javier stood up suddenly, as if he was finally going to get to leave, but Chandra got up as well and took his arm. “I think I’m going to go get some more cheese, Javier.” They whispered. The crowd began disapparating, as Mazin ordered his servants to take the gifts to our baby’s planned nursery.
“Do you like the cabinet? I thought it might be too much but Chandra says it’s fine.”
“It’s definitely not too much. It’s a lovely cabinet. Need lots of those.”
“Oh! How many things does the baby need? I think they’ll all fit in that cabinet.”
“Well, lots of clothes, and books, and toys, and you know, baby things. Like baby oils and powders and wipes and slings and you know, the entire universe of baby supplies, so much is needed for a simple baby. So, your cabinet, but lovely, may not be able to store it all. But that’s okay.”
“Didn’t you read the instructions? I put the instructions inside the wrapping so you wouldn’t miss them.”
“Javier, you saw me open the wrapping. Did you see me read the instructions?”
“You could have stopped time in order to read the instructions quickly so that you wouldn’t bother others.” Javier sighed and picked up the instruction manual. A thick tome, seemingly written in Draconic (why did Javier have to write everything in Draconic?), he flipped to the first page and began reading off the instructions. “To Mazin, and Krenmyr, and the child that this cabinet will one day belong to. This is a genuine Cabinet of Opening, a first edition original magical storage piece. To Open the Cabinet, one must speak the command word, in Draconic, Open. To Close the Cabinet, one must…”
“And then you will enter the explanatory dimension of rope storage.” Phew! We finished the book!” I sat the book down on the nightstand and looked at the cabinet. It had so many more drawers than I could have ever imagined, drawers far larger on the inside than they were on the outside, drawers that could be summoned by various overly complex command words and hand gesture. Enough drawers enough to store anything we could possibly need. Ever!
Mazin closed the drawer that would hold and perfectly sort the baby’s future coin collection with a smirk. “You know, if we have this, why don’t we just not get a crib? We’ll just stuff him in a drawer and take him out eighteen years later, ready to go.”
“Oh, Mazin, you know that’s not right! And you know I’ve been planning his entire setup for months.” With a wave of my hands I commanded the skeletons into the room. As per my orders, they were carrying boxes full of bones- many sharpened to a point at the ends. As the skeletons thoughtlessly dumped the bones out on the floor, I continued moving my hands, moving and twisting the bones until a structure, just like a bassinet, appeared in the center of the room. The sharpest parts of the bones I’d summoned were at the top, to spear anyone who wasn’t careful, and the bassinet was adored with two skulls- one looking outwards, to detect any threats, and one looking inwards, to adore the dear baby inside. It had many legs, for walking, and arms, for grabbing people or babies, either to throttle them or to gently love and take care of them. With the slightest hint of necromantic energy, I beckoned the bones to unlife. They responded instantly. <What would you have us do, master?> spoke the skeletal bassinet, words coming out of its tongueless mouth.
<Protect the child who is set in this crib at all costs. Take care of him. He is so precious.>
<Yes, master!> I smiled at the device, then turned to Mazin. Our son would be nicely taken care of. We would make sure of that.
Mazin closed the drawer that would hold and perfectly sort the baby’s future coin collection with a smirk. “You know, if we have this, why don’t we just not get a crib? We’ll just stuff him in a drawer and take him out eighteen years later, ready to go.”
“Oh, Mazin, you know that’s not right! And you know I’ve been planning his entire setup for months.” With a wave of my hands I commanded the skeletons into the room. As per my orders, they were carrying boxes full of bones- many sharpened to a point at the ends. As the skeletons thoughtlessly dumped the bones out on the floor, I continued moving my hands, moving and twisting the bones until a structure, just like a bassinet, appeared in the center of the room. The sharpest parts of the bones I’d summoned were at the top, to spear anyone who wasn’t careful, and the bassinet was adored with two skulls- one looking outwards, to detect any threats, and one looking inwards, to adore the dear baby inside. It had many legs, for walking, and arms, for grabbing people or babies, either to throttle them or to gently love and take care of them. With the slightest hint of necromantic energy, I beckoned the bones to unlife. They responded instantly. <What would you have us do, master?> spoke the skeletal bassinet, words coming out of its tongueless mouth.
<Protect the child who is set in this crib at all costs. Take care of him. He is so precious.>
<Yes, master!> I smiled at the device, then turned to Mazin. Our son would be nicely taken care of. We would make sure of that.
It was an inconsequential night. Mazin had entertained visitors, explorers who had charted a planet in the nearby Larbis system, but now they were gone. I’d retired to my husband’s bedroom with him, and he was pretty much asleep when I heard the knocking at the door. Who could it be? Opening the door, I saw a devil in priestly robes, exhausted and out of breath. “President Mazin sir, its happening. The birth.”
Five minutes later, Mazin was dressed enough to the point where we could rush to the cathedral. Many priests were gathered around, chanting, as the woman who’d been chosen to be the surrogate for our child lay in a circle of goat’s blood, screaming and wailing. Her hair, once short and black was now suddenly long and white, a noticeable difference from how it was yesterday, when we’d seen her to check up on our child’s progress. She was speaking in a language I didn’t know, one I had never heard before. I tried to rush to her side, but the priests pushed me away. “I’m sorry, but you can’t approach. This is a very difficult operation.”
“But this is my child! My son!” I exclaimed. Mazin gently put his hands on my back, calming me down somewhat. I turned to look into my husband’s face. His steel grey eyes were calm on the surface, but I knew that they were truly full of fear. Mazin was so good at covering up his expressions, but I knew him too well to be fooled. Even as he comforted me, he himself was panicking!
The surrogate screamed again! And as the priests continued to chant and Mazin continued to pat me, softly, on the back, we saw the priests begin to dance around the surrogate mother, chanting commands in the same strange language. Why were they doing this? We weren’t going to be able to see the delivery if they were in the way like this! “Excuse me, um, can you please leave a space for us to watch.”
“I’m sorry, this is the most delicate stage of the operation. No eyes should see the horrors that are yet to come.” I sighed. I was really looking forward to the delivery! When would our son come? When was I going to be able to hold my baby in my arms? Then suddenly, a soft scream. Could it be-? A man crowned in ash and draped in the entrails of a sheep emerged from the circle of priests, holding a kind of squishy looking baby boy in his arms. He had my jet-black skin and dark black hair, though I supposed that Mazin’s hair had been the same shade before he started greying. His eyes were black, but they had dark grey sclera, and he had the tiniest, cutest little set of pointed ears. The man deposited the baby into my arms, and I lifted up my son and then cuddled him to my chest. He kept screaming.
“Don’t cry, you’re with me now. Don’t cry, darling.”
“Is it- is he-” Mazin was practically breathless as he moved to the other side of my arms to take a closer look at the baby. “Oh, Krenmyr! He looks so much like you!”
“He looks so much like you, papa! Look, he even has your tail!” It was true, our little son had a scorpion’s tail just like his papa. No horns though, which was kind of odd. “Eurynomos, welcome to the family. I’m your daddy, Krenmyr, and this is Mazin, your papa!” I turned Eurynomos’s head so he could see Mazin, but he just kept crying. Oh well! He would quiet down eventually, right?
Five minutes later, Mazin was dressed enough to the point where we could rush to the cathedral. Many priests were gathered around, chanting, as the woman who’d been chosen to be the surrogate for our child lay in a circle of goat’s blood, screaming and wailing. Her hair, once short and black was now suddenly long and white, a noticeable difference from how it was yesterday, when we’d seen her to check up on our child’s progress. She was speaking in a language I didn’t know, one I had never heard before. I tried to rush to her side, but the priests pushed me away. “I’m sorry, but you can’t approach. This is a very difficult operation.”
“But this is my child! My son!” I exclaimed. Mazin gently put his hands on my back, calming me down somewhat. I turned to look into my husband’s face. His steel grey eyes were calm on the surface, but I knew that they were truly full of fear. Mazin was so good at covering up his expressions, but I knew him too well to be fooled. Even as he comforted me, he himself was panicking!
The surrogate screamed again! And as the priests continued to chant and Mazin continued to pat me, softly, on the back, we saw the priests begin to dance around the surrogate mother, chanting commands in the same strange language. Why were they doing this? We weren’t going to be able to see the delivery if they were in the way like this! “Excuse me, um, can you please leave a space for us to watch.”
“I’m sorry, this is the most delicate stage of the operation. No eyes should see the horrors that are yet to come.” I sighed. I was really looking forward to the delivery! When would our son come? When was I going to be able to hold my baby in my arms? Then suddenly, a soft scream. Could it be-? A man crowned in ash and draped in the entrails of a sheep emerged from the circle of priests, holding a kind of squishy looking baby boy in his arms. He had my jet-black skin and dark black hair, though I supposed that Mazin’s hair had been the same shade before he started greying. His eyes were black, but they had dark grey sclera, and he had the tiniest, cutest little set of pointed ears. The man deposited the baby into my arms, and I lifted up my son and then cuddled him to my chest. He kept screaming.
“Don’t cry, you’re with me now. Don’t cry, darling.”
“Is it- is he-” Mazin was practically breathless as he moved to the other side of my arms to take a closer look at the baby. “Oh, Krenmyr! He looks so much like you!”
“He looks so much like you, papa! Look, he even has your tail!” It was true, our little son had a scorpion’s tail just like his papa. No horns though, which was kind of odd. “Eurynomos, welcome to the family. I’m your daddy, Krenmyr, and this is Mazin, your papa!” I turned Eurynomos’s head so he could see Mazin, but he just kept crying. Oh well! He would quiet down eventually, right?
After the priests and doctors and necromancers told us it was safe, we took Eurynomos to his room. I sat down with him on the rocking chair and Mazin sat nearby. “Are you hungry, baby? Thirsty, baby? Sweetie, I’m going to give you a bottle, okay?” Supporting Eurynomos with one arm and my body, I reached out and chanted the command word for the refrigerated drawer, where we had a few bottles. I chose first one full of milk. “Milk, sweetie, do you want milk?” I offered the bottle to my child, putting it to his lips, but with his very first taste he turned away, shrieking again. They had told us that would be likely. Like me, our child may not have a taste for such foods. I put the milk bottle back and pulled out one full of blood. “Look, blood, sweetie! Tasty. Yummy yummy. Nice fresh blood.” I put the bottle to Eurynomos’s lips, and he seemed much more excited about this one, sucking happily at it. Like father, like son.
Once he had enough, there were bright red sheets of satin and black pillows for him to lay his precious little head upon, and the skulls of the crib would surely watch over him as he slept. While Mazin went back to sleep, I stayed with him that first night, not needing to sleep. Eurynomos did need to, oddly enough, though he hardly slept soundly. But it was fine with me.
The next few days were a buzz of activity. We had to learn how to take care of our child, begin the cycle of parenting while our schedule still continued to be as busy as ever. And Eurynomos was no ordinary child, no. That would have been too easy. We had to learn about the extraordinary nature of our spawn, though honestly, it was almost expected from a child of ours.
Once he had enough, there were bright red sheets of satin and black pillows for him to lay his precious little head upon, and the skulls of the crib would surely watch over him as he slept. While Mazin went back to sleep, I stayed with him that first night, not needing to sleep. Eurynomos did need to, oddly enough, though he hardly slept soundly. But it was fine with me.
The next few days were a buzz of activity. We had to learn how to take care of our child, begin the cycle of parenting while our schedule still continued to be as busy as ever. And Eurynomos was no ordinary child, no. That would have been too easy. We had to learn about the extraordinary nature of our spawn, though honestly, it was almost expected from a child of ours.
Javier came over again, this time in his more humanoid form, this time without Chandra, to see Eurynomos. I’d dressed our little hellspawn up in a bright red jumpsuit for the occasion. He was already a big baby, a strong little fellow. Eurynomos sat on his baby mat, shook his rattle at a regular pace, and occasionally threw it at the skeletons who I’d created to take care of him in his day-to-day routine.
Javier waved hello to Eurynomos and I. “Hi, Krenmyr. This must be your son. Or, it could be another child that you’ve kidnapped and pretended is your son, or your biological child who will at a later point in your life tell you that they identify as your daughter, or another form of child, b-”
“He’s my son! As far as I know, at least!” I smiled widely at Javier, and he seemed to calm down a tad. “Do you want to hold him?”
Javier almost jumped a foot back. “Hold him? Krenmyr, that’s a very cute and nice baby, but hold him? I’m afraid I’d drop him!”
“You can hold a two hundred pound antimatter cannon, you can hold a baby, c’mon!” I knelt down and picked up Eurynomos before offering him to Javier, but the dragon simply shook his head, black hair flopping this way and that. “Oh, alright. Down you go, sweetie!” I placed Eurynomos down on a big gold pillow and handed him his stuffed ram, who he squeezed tightly. Eurynomos looked at me with his big black eyes, and I patted my son on the forehead as I moved to kneel next to him. Javier sat down, crosslegged, next to him and patted the ram a little. Eurynomos hissed, pulled the ram back and bared his teeth at my friend! No, that’s not good! My son already had a mouth full of sharp and truly dangerous teeth, a set that the dentist had said were some of the finest he’d ever seen. Seeing as how he only dealt with demons and devils of infernus, that was quite saying something! “Darling, that’s not how we say hello to friends. Bad bad!” I tsked at my son, who closed his mouth, though I didn’t know if he understood me. He was just a baby after all. “This is mister Javier. He’s Admiral Chandra’s husband. Admiral Chandra is a pretty fairy, yes they are. One day you’ll meet the pretty fairy.”
“Please don’t call Chandra a fairy to their face.” replied Javier, gazing at Eurynomos’s face worryingly. “They’re a dryad of sorts, a fey.”
“Oh, I think Chandra will be fine if my son calls them a fairy. He’s too young to understand such a thing, or even talk.”
“Children should never be too young to know what people are!” exclaimed Javier. “Can he talk?”
“Oh, of course not, Javier. Though I admit he’d growing at a phenomenal pace, he’s less than a month old.”
Javier blinked, cocking his head curiously. “Dragon children talk when they emerge from the egg. Do most children not?”
“He’s got quite of a bit way to go, Javier. Dragons are a special exception to the rule.”
“Oh.” replied Javier, frowning hardly. “Well, perhaps he’ll start talking, soon. Oh, you summoned some pretty lights for him.” I looked to see what Javier was mentioning, and saw that bright lights, black and red and gold, were floating over Eurynomos’s head.
“I didn’t do that!” All drow could do such a thing, of course, but usually when they turned twenty or thirty did they master that gift. Not when they were only days old! Eurynomos grasped towards the lights, and when he couldn’t get them, he started shrieking. He pounded his meaty, clawed little fists on the ground, grabbing his ram with one hand and beating it to the ground, too. “Oh, don’t cry, hun bun, don’t cry. And don’t hurt your nice rammy! Daddy’s right here, hun bun, daddy’s right here!”
Javier looked uncomfortable and pulled his knees up to his chest as he clasped his hands over his ears “It’s a very loud baby!”
“Most babies are!” I replied. “Look, sweetie, those lights aren’t real. Just pretty! Pretty!” I lifted Eurynomos up in the air to try to touch the lights, but when he couldn't he continued to screech even louder. “Not real, sweetie, not real! Just pretty!” The lights grew brighter as Eurynomos’s anger grew. “Honey, honey, please!”
“What’s going on here?” asked Mazin, coming into the room, holding two pretzel rods in his hands. Eurynomos seemed to calm down a little at the arrival at his papa.
“Oh, Mazin, your baby is very loud. It is rather shocking. Both you and Krenmyr are such naturally quiet people!”
Mazin raised an eyebrow as he snapped a pretzel rod in his mouth. “Excuse me?”
“I’m sorry! I understand it’s not your baby’s fault!”
“No, I thought the thing about me and Mazin being quiet was the joke. Krenmyr, please.” I floated up into the air and then landed standing up so I didn’t have to put Eurynomos down, then handed him to his papa. “Maybe he wants a pretzel stick, hm?” Mazin offered Eurynomos a pretzel rod, which he was thoroughly disinterested in. “What’s wrong with the pretzel rod? Don’t want it?”
“I would like a pretzel rod.” said Javier. “If there are any more.”
Mazin tossed Javier the pretzel rod, forgetting that Javier was extremely bad at catching things. Somehow this time he managed to snatch it, though it nearly hit the floor. “Papa’s here, Eurynomos. Did you miss papa?” Suddenly, Eurynomos quieted. “That’s right. You just missed papa. Good boy.”
I rolled my eyes at Mazin. “I have no idea how you did that.”
My husband shrugged casually. “Let’s just call it paternal instinct.”
Javier waved hello to Eurynomos and I. “Hi, Krenmyr. This must be your son. Or, it could be another child that you’ve kidnapped and pretended is your son, or your biological child who will at a later point in your life tell you that they identify as your daughter, or another form of child, b-”
“He’s my son! As far as I know, at least!” I smiled widely at Javier, and he seemed to calm down a tad. “Do you want to hold him?”
Javier almost jumped a foot back. “Hold him? Krenmyr, that’s a very cute and nice baby, but hold him? I’m afraid I’d drop him!”
“You can hold a two hundred pound antimatter cannon, you can hold a baby, c’mon!” I knelt down and picked up Eurynomos before offering him to Javier, but the dragon simply shook his head, black hair flopping this way and that. “Oh, alright. Down you go, sweetie!” I placed Eurynomos down on a big gold pillow and handed him his stuffed ram, who he squeezed tightly. Eurynomos looked at me with his big black eyes, and I patted my son on the forehead as I moved to kneel next to him. Javier sat down, crosslegged, next to him and patted the ram a little. Eurynomos hissed, pulled the ram back and bared his teeth at my friend! No, that’s not good! My son already had a mouth full of sharp and truly dangerous teeth, a set that the dentist had said were some of the finest he’d ever seen. Seeing as how he only dealt with demons and devils of infernus, that was quite saying something! “Darling, that’s not how we say hello to friends. Bad bad!” I tsked at my son, who closed his mouth, though I didn’t know if he understood me. He was just a baby after all. “This is mister Javier. He’s Admiral Chandra’s husband. Admiral Chandra is a pretty fairy, yes they are. One day you’ll meet the pretty fairy.”
“Please don’t call Chandra a fairy to their face.” replied Javier, gazing at Eurynomos’s face worryingly. “They’re a dryad of sorts, a fey.”
“Oh, I think Chandra will be fine if my son calls them a fairy. He’s too young to understand such a thing, or even talk.”
“Children should never be too young to know what people are!” exclaimed Javier. “Can he talk?”
“Oh, of course not, Javier. Though I admit he’d growing at a phenomenal pace, he’s less than a month old.”
Javier blinked, cocking his head curiously. “Dragon children talk when they emerge from the egg. Do most children not?”
“He’s got quite of a bit way to go, Javier. Dragons are a special exception to the rule.”
“Oh.” replied Javier, frowning hardly. “Well, perhaps he’ll start talking, soon. Oh, you summoned some pretty lights for him.” I looked to see what Javier was mentioning, and saw that bright lights, black and red and gold, were floating over Eurynomos’s head.
“I didn’t do that!” All drow could do such a thing, of course, but usually when they turned twenty or thirty did they master that gift. Not when they were only days old! Eurynomos grasped towards the lights, and when he couldn’t get them, he started shrieking. He pounded his meaty, clawed little fists on the ground, grabbing his ram with one hand and beating it to the ground, too. “Oh, don’t cry, hun bun, don’t cry. And don’t hurt your nice rammy! Daddy’s right here, hun bun, daddy’s right here!”
Javier looked uncomfortable and pulled his knees up to his chest as he clasped his hands over his ears “It’s a very loud baby!”
“Most babies are!” I replied. “Look, sweetie, those lights aren’t real. Just pretty! Pretty!” I lifted Eurynomos up in the air to try to touch the lights, but when he couldn't he continued to screech even louder. “Not real, sweetie, not real! Just pretty!” The lights grew brighter as Eurynomos’s anger grew. “Honey, honey, please!”
“What’s going on here?” asked Mazin, coming into the room, holding two pretzel rods in his hands. Eurynomos seemed to calm down a little at the arrival at his papa.
“Oh, Mazin, your baby is very loud. It is rather shocking. Both you and Krenmyr are such naturally quiet people!”
Mazin raised an eyebrow as he snapped a pretzel rod in his mouth. “Excuse me?”
“I’m sorry! I understand it’s not your baby’s fault!”
“No, I thought the thing about me and Mazin being quiet was the joke. Krenmyr, please.” I floated up into the air and then landed standing up so I didn’t have to put Eurynomos down, then handed him to his papa. “Maybe he wants a pretzel stick, hm?” Mazin offered Eurynomos a pretzel rod, which he was thoroughly disinterested in. “What’s wrong with the pretzel rod? Don’t want it?”
“I would like a pretzel rod.” said Javier. “If there are any more.”
Mazin tossed Javier the pretzel rod, forgetting that Javier was extremely bad at catching things. Somehow this time he managed to snatch it, though it nearly hit the floor. “Papa’s here, Eurynomos. Did you miss papa?” Suddenly, Eurynomos quieted. “That’s right. You just missed papa. Good boy.”
I rolled my eyes at Mazin. “I have no idea how you did that.”
My husband shrugged casually. “Let’s just call it paternal instinct.”
Author's Notes: I actually abandoned this on my google drive for years and polished it off just recently to publish it. I don't know why it's in first person, and I think it may be the only story I've written in a while (besides my Secret Project) that is. Hm. And it's from Krenmyr's point of view, too...
Word Count: 5000 words exactly.
Date: June 5th, 2015
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