**ACT 1**
Lukas and Thalia’s townhouse was decorated cheerfully for the winter holidays with candles, wreaths, and even a tree Cassandra had brought, fully potted and ready to be replanted once the holidays were over. Technically, the holiday being celebrated was “HumanLight”, a holiday that sounded to Messel like the most madeup holiday of all time, but it was also Yule and Christmas. Messel didn’t really celebrate any holidays of his own, but was happy to celebrate whatever anyone else was celebrating.
The inside of the house smelled like cinnamon, ginger, and pine. Placing his coat in the coat closet and walking into the main room. “Happy Holidays, Messel!” said his aunt Cassandra, who was wearing a festive sweater and druidic robes. “Now everyone’s here!”
Everyone was here already. “Sorry I’m late.” apologized Messel, but Cassandra simply walked over to him, patting him on the shoulder and handing him a cup of eggnog.
“Don’t be sorry, someone has to be the last person to show up! Do you want some eggnog?”
The eggnog was already in Messel’s hand, but he nodded anyway. “Thanks, Aunt Cass.” The eggnog was delicious, with just a hint of cinnamon and his aunt’s “secret ingredient”. Messel still had no idea what the secret was, but he’d always suspected it was some form of alcohol.
“Great Aunt Cass!” corrected Markus, coming from nowhere. “She is my aunt, and I am your uncle, so she is your great aunt.”
“Messel knows who I am!” said Cassandra. “He just calls me his great aunt because it’s easier. Plus, it makes me feel less old. Have some eggnog, Markus.”
“No thank you.” said Markus, shaking his head. “I hate eggnog.”
Cassandra walked away, mouthing “I hate eggnog” to herself, and Messel quickly nearly ran from Markus, going over to sit next to his uncle- sorry, Markus, “Great Uncle”- Danill on the couch. Danill had his and Cassandra’s newborn, Bara, in a strange wicker baby holder. It kind of looked like the sort of thing that Messel had always pictured Baby Moses being taken away in.
“Hi Uncle Danill.” said Messel, putting his eggnog down on a nearby table. “Hi little Bara! Aren’t you cute!”
“I hope you aren’t talking to her in an attempt to get some of reaction out of her.” said Danill.
“No, I just like talking to babies.” said Messel. He paused. That was kind of a weird thing to say. “She’s very cute.”
“Thanks.” said Danill. “She has her mother’s face, I think. But she has my everything else. She’s very much like my mother describes me being as a baby. She said, “Danill, if this was a little girl baby, I would mistake her for you as a baby!”” Danill suddenly flinched. “Um. I hope that wasn’t offensive.”
Messel looked at Danill quizically. “Um, why do you think it was?”
“Well, we don’t really know the baby’s gender yet, I guess. Bara could grow up to be a transgender like you.”
Slightly horrified, slightly baffled, Messel did his best to smile in reply. “Well, um, I suppose she could, but there’s no harm in calling her one gender or another until she tells you otherwise?”
Messel reached for his eggnog and took another sip. He’d need it. “Oh, I think Lukas is calling me in the kitchen!” suddenly said Danill. “I’m coming, Lukas. Messel, you can watch Bara, right! Okay, see you at dinner!”
Danill made his exit, Messel feeling slightly offended. He had not heard Lukas at all. He drank more of the eggnog, downing it all in almost one shot. If he hadn’t been tasked to watch this baby, he would get more.
“Hi Messel!” said Thalia, sittting down next to Messel with eggnog and a ginger cookie. “How are the holidays going?”
“They’re going pretty okay so far.” said Messel. “Though this is really the first party I’ve been to so far. I’m looking forward to great-grandpa’s party tomorrow. I’ve never been able to come before.”
“Well, Sebastian’s party is quite the spectacle!” said Thalia. “Nearly the whole family is there, except for Lukas’s brother Xander. You know, I don’t think I’ve ever actually met the man, imagine that. My own brother-in-law and I’ve never met him.”
“I’ve never met him either.” replied Messel. “I thought he came to the braby shower.”
“He was a no-show at the last minute.” said Cassandra, sitting next to her child. “It was for a very important reason, but it was the first time I would have seen him for years. And then he couldn’t go to the wedding either because of the storm.” Cassandra sighed and patted Bara’s head. “He’s finally trying to reach back out, but fate keeps conspiring to keep us apart. I doubt he’ll come to Christmas, either.”
Messel smiled hopefully. “Maybe he will. It would be nice to meet him. He’s a doctor, isn’t he?”
Cassandra nodded. “Anyway, it’ll nice for you to come to the big Christmas party, Messel. Just remember not to call it “Christmas” in front of my father. He’ll make a big fuss on how it isn’t actually a Christmas party but a party to commemorate every holiday in the winter season.”
“Okay.” replied Messel. “I’ll be sure to try really hard.”
Lukas emerged from the kitchen. “Okay, everyone, the dinner’s ready. Come to eat.”
By the time Messel arrived at the table, Lukas was straightening a place setting. It was a very elaborate one, with red, gold, and blue plates and various candles all over the table. Messel slightly worried the table would burn down. Cassandra rolled her eyes at her brother. “Lukas, we’re about to eat in a moment and ruin your elaborate place settings. They don’t have to be perfectly straight.”
“One minute. I want to take a picture of it.” Lukas ran to get his camera while Markus sat down and begun serving himself. The HumanLight dinner was stuffed acorn squash, tofurky, glazed long carrots, mashed sweet potatoes, and bread.
When Lukas returned, he looked slightly upset by his son’s behavior. “Markus, I was planning to post this on the California Humanists Forum. I told them that I was going to show them my HumanLight display.”
“Well, I’m not a humanist, and I don’t celebrate HumanLight.” replied Markus. “And anyway, I was hungry.”
“You can still take pictures of the rest of the table, Lukas.” said Cassandra comfortingly.
“And I’ll help you re-set up the table later so you can take a picture of the place settings.” added Thalia.
“But it won’t be the same.” said Lukas sadly. “The food won’t all be out.” He let out a long, deep sigh. “Let’s just eat.”
The door opened and Nadia and Adrianna came inside. “Dinner’s ready, Nadia!” said Markus. “Vegetarian again this year.”
“I enjoy vegetarian food.” said Nadia. Looking to Lukas, she added, “And I always enjoy your cooking.”
“This all looks gross.” said Adrianna. “I want a hamburger.”
“Don’t talk about your grandfather’s cooking like that, Adrianna.” said Markus. “It’s good. Very good.” He gave a thumbs up to Lukas.
Lukas sat down next to his son, at the front of the table. “Well, let’s all sit down, and before we eat, I think that Cassandra wanted to say a few words?”
The inside of the house smelled like cinnamon, ginger, and pine. Placing his coat in the coat closet and walking into the main room. “Happy Holidays, Messel!” said his aunt Cassandra, who was wearing a festive sweater and druidic robes. “Now everyone’s here!”
Everyone was here already. “Sorry I’m late.” apologized Messel, but Cassandra simply walked over to him, patting him on the shoulder and handing him a cup of eggnog.
“Don’t be sorry, someone has to be the last person to show up! Do you want some eggnog?”
The eggnog was already in Messel’s hand, but he nodded anyway. “Thanks, Aunt Cass.” The eggnog was delicious, with just a hint of cinnamon and his aunt’s “secret ingredient”. Messel still had no idea what the secret was, but he’d always suspected it was some form of alcohol.
“Great Aunt Cass!” corrected Markus, coming from nowhere. “She is my aunt, and I am your uncle, so she is your great aunt.”
“Messel knows who I am!” said Cassandra. “He just calls me his great aunt because it’s easier. Plus, it makes me feel less old. Have some eggnog, Markus.”
“No thank you.” said Markus, shaking his head. “I hate eggnog.”
Cassandra walked away, mouthing “I hate eggnog” to herself, and Messel quickly nearly ran from Markus, going over to sit next to his uncle- sorry, Markus, “Great Uncle”- Danill on the couch. Danill had his and Cassandra’s newborn, Bara, in a strange wicker baby holder. It kind of looked like the sort of thing that Messel had always pictured Baby Moses being taken away in.
“Hi Uncle Danill.” said Messel, putting his eggnog down on a nearby table. “Hi little Bara! Aren’t you cute!”
“I hope you aren’t talking to her in an attempt to get some of reaction out of her.” said Danill.
“No, I just like talking to babies.” said Messel. He paused. That was kind of a weird thing to say. “She’s very cute.”
“Thanks.” said Danill. “She has her mother’s face, I think. But she has my everything else. She’s very much like my mother describes me being as a baby. She said, “Danill, if this was a little girl baby, I would mistake her for you as a baby!”” Danill suddenly flinched. “Um. I hope that wasn’t offensive.”
Messel looked at Danill quizically. “Um, why do you think it was?”
“Well, we don’t really know the baby’s gender yet, I guess. Bara could grow up to be a transgender like you.”
Slightly horrified, slightly baffled, Messel did his best to smile in reply. “Well, um, I suppose she could, but there’s no harm in calling her one gender or another until she tells you otherwise?”
Messel reached for his eggnog and took another sip. He’d need it. “Oh, I think Lukas is calling me in the kitchen!” suddenly said Danill. “I’m coming, Lukas. Messel, you can watch Bara, right! Okay, see you at dinner!”
Danill made his exit, Messel feeling slightly offended. He had not heard Lukas at all. He drank more of the eggnog, downing it all in almost one shot. If he hadn’t been tasked to watch this baby, he would get more.
“Hi Messel!” said Thalia, sittting down next to Messel with eggnog and a ginger cookie. “How are the holidays going?”
“They’re going pretty okay so far.” said Messel. “Though this is really the first party I’ve been to so far. I’m looking forward to great-grandpa’s party tomorrow. I’ve never been able to come before.”
“Well, Sebastian’s party is quite the spectacle!” said Thalia. “Nearly the whole family is there, except for Lukas’s brother Xander. You know, I don’t think I’ve ever actually met the man, imagine that. My own brother-in-law and I’ve never met him.”
“I’ve never met him either.” replied Messel. “I thought he came to the braby shower.”
“He was a no-show at the last minute.” said Cassandra, sitting next to her child. “It was for a very important reason, but it was the first time I would have seen him for years. And then he couldn’t go to the wedding either because of the storm.” Cassandra sighed and patted Bara’s head. “He’s finally trying to reach back out, but fate keeps conspiring to keep us apart. I doubt he’ll come to Christmas, either.”
Messel smiled hopefully. “Maybe he will. It would be nice to meet him. He’s a doctor, isn’t he?”
Cassandra nodded. “Anyway, it’ll nice for you to come to the big Christmas party, Messel. Just remember not to call it “Christmas” in front of my father. He’ll make a big fuss on how it isn’t actually a Christmas party but a party to commemorate every holiday in the winter season.”
“Okay.” replied Messel. “I’ll be sure to try really hard.”
Lukas emerged from the kitchen. “Okay, everyone, the dinner’s ready. Come to eat.”
By the time Messel arrived at the table, Lukas was straightening a place setting. It was a very elaborate one, with red, gold, and blue plates and various candles all over the table. Messel slightly worried the table would burn down. Cassandra rolled her eyes at her brother. “Lukas, we’re about to eat in a moment and ruin your elaborate place settings. They don’t have to be perfectly straight.”
“One minute. I want to take a picture of it.” Lukas ran to get his camera while Markus sat down and begun serving himself. The HumanLight dinner was stuffed acorn squash, tofurky, glazed long carrots, mashed sweet potatoes, and bread.
When Lukas returned, he looked slightly upset by his son’s behavior. “Markus, I was planning to post this on the California Humanists Forum. I told them that I was going to show them my HumanLight display.”
“Well, I’m not a humanist, and I don’t celebrate HumanLight.” replied Markus. “And anyway, I was hungry.”
“You can still take pictures of the rest of the table, Lukas.” said Cassandra comfortingly.
“And I’ll help you re-set up the table later so you can take a picture of the place settings.” added Thalia.
“But it won’t be the same.” said Lukas sadly. “The food won’t all be out.” He let out a long, deep sigh. “Let’s just eat.”
The door opened and Nadia and Adrianna came inside. “Dinner’s ready, Nadia!” said Markus. “Vegetarian again this year.”
“I enjoy vegetarian food.” said Nadia. Looking to Lukas, she added, “And I always enjoy your cooking.”
“This all looks gross.” said Adrianna. “I want a hamburger.”
“Don’t talk about your grandfather’s cooking like that, Adrianna.” said Markus. “It’s good. Very good.” He gave a thumbs up to Lukas.
Lukas sat down next to his son, at the front of the table. “Well, let’s all sit down, and before we eat, I think that Cassandra wanted to say a few words?”
The dinner went well except for Adrianna’s constant refusal to try any of the food except for the long carrots. Eventually, Nadia had to leave the party once again to obtain her daughter a hamburger, and it seemed like everyone brightened with the tween gone.
After dinner, Messel got some more eggnog and sat down on one of the couches. Markus decided to sit across from Messel, a corner away. Messel took a deep breath, hoping he could have a nice conversation with his uncle for once.
“So Messel! How are things going?”
“They’re going pretty okay!” lied Messel. “Um, I’m studying at Berkeley, and things are going fine there.”
“They’re going fine? Okay?” Markus raised an eyebrow. “Do you have a lot of friends there? Are you seeing anyone?”
Messel shook his head. “No to both. But I think it’s just better to focus on academics.”
“Are you having a hard time in school?” asked Markus.
Messel shrugged, figuring it was best to be honest but underplay the situation. “Well, I suppose it’s harder than I thought! A lot more effort than undergrad.”
Markus laughed, a deep, resounding laugh. “Really? You’re having a hard time with your very first semester? My goodness, Messel. Have you ever considered you might not be, well, smart enough for Graduate School?”
The color began to slowly drain from Messel’s face. “Excuse me?”
“I mean, I love your father, but he’s not the brightest man, and your mother… well, I mean, they need just regular computer fixers or whatever it was your degree was in in the world too, you know.”
“Are you calling my parents stupid?”
“Well, Messel, um, not in so few words, but you know, there’s nothing wrong with-”
“I’m trying my best, alright?!” said Messel, trying very hard not to cry or scream at Markus. “And how dare you insult my parents!”
“Are you saying that it’s insulting to be told you might be of lesser intelligence? Messel, I think that’s rather able-”
“I never have any free time to myself! And I have no friends here! I spend all my time studying or TAing or attempting to eat or sleep, and it’s only going to get worse! I don’t even have a life anymore! And you’re right, I do feel stupid, stupid when I see other people breezing through all these things I have to struggle with!”
“Do you think if you ever accepted your real gender, your life would get easier?” asked Markus.
“What?!” asked Messel.
“Well, I mean, it’s not like people accept you as male, do they? And I’m sure that’s not really helping you make friends, being transgendered. Don’t you think it would be easier to make friends and build relationships if you did so as your true gender?”
“PLEASE!” screamed Messel finally. “Please, Uncle Markus, for the love of god, stop BEING AN ASSHOLE!”
Messel stood up only to finally notice that everyone was staring at them. Lukas, his face a pale white, ran away from the scene and up the stairs while everyone else just stood there, frozen in horror. “I’m just trying to help you, Messel!” said Markus. “Because I think you’ve made some very grave decisions in your life! Choosing to go to graduate school, choosing to be transgendered, your life would just be so much simpler if you just stopped making bad decisions.”
“What are you, the little voice in my head that tells me those things every day?” asked Messel. “Markus, please, stop! I deal with this enough already, just… please!”
“I mean, nobody, even in the family accepts you as male. I’m pretty I heard people referring to you as female before you showed up. “Accepting” you is just a thing that people do so they don’t have to deal with your hostility if they bend to your childish whims! But I’m not afraid of you, Messel. I’m not afraid to help you!”
Nobody around the room could meet Messel’s gaze when he looked around the room at them. He started walking out of the room, not even pausing to get his coat from the coat room. As he reached the door he looked around at them, still frozen in place, still staring at him but not really looking at him.
“Thanks, everyone, for supporting me.” spat Messel before going through the door and slamming it.
After dinner, Messel got some more eggnog and sat down on one of the couches. Markus decided to sit across from Messel, a corner away. Messel took a deep breath, hoping he could have a nice conversation with his uncle for once.
“So Messel! How are things going?”
“They’re going pretty okay!” lied Messel. “Um, I’m studying at Berkeley, and things are going fine there.”
“They’re going fine? Okay?” Markus raised an eyebrow. “Do you have a lot of friends there? Are you seeing anyone?”
Messel shook his head. “No to both. But I think it’s just better to focus on academics.”
“Are you having a hard time in school?” asked Markus.
Messel shrugged, figuring it was best to be honest but underplay the situation. “Well, I suppose it’s harder than I thought! A lot more effort than undergrad.”
Markus laughed, a deep, resounding laugh. “Really? You’re having a hard time with your very first semester? My goodness, Messel. Have you ever considered you might not be, well, smart enough for Graduate School?”
The color began to slowly drain from Messel’s face. “Excuse me?”
“I mean, I love your father, but he’s not the brightest man, and your mother… well, I mean, they need just regular computer fixers or whatever it was your degree was in in the world too, you know.”
“Are you calling my parents stupid?”
“Well, Messel, um, not in so few words, but you know, there’s nothing wrong with-”
“I’m trying my best, alright?!” said Messel, trying very hard not to cry or scream at Markus. “And how dare you insult my parents!”
“Are you saying that it’s insulting to be told you might be of lesser intelligence? Messel, I think that’s rather able-”
“I never have any free time to myself! And I have no friends here! I spend all my time studying or TAing or attempting to eat or sleep, and it’s only going to get worse! I don’t even have a life anymore! And you’re right, I do feel stupid, stupid when I see other people breezing through all these things I have to struggle with!”
“Do you think if you ever accepted your real gender, your life would get easier?” asked Markus.
“What?!” asked Messel.
“Well, I mean, it’s not like people accept you as male, do they? And I’m sure that’s not really helping you make friends, being transgendered. Don’t you think it would be easier to make friends and build relationships if you did so as your true gender?”
“PLEASE!” screamed Messel finally. “Please, Uncle Markus, for the love of god, stop BEING AN ASSHOLE!”
Messel stood up only to finally notice that everyone was staring at them. Lukas, his face a pale white, ran away from the scene and up the stairs while everyone else just stood there, frozen in horror. “I’m just trying to help you, Messel!” said Markus. “Because I think you’ve made some very grave decisions in your life! Choosing to go to graduate school, choosing to be transgendered, your life would just be so much simpler if you just stopped making bad decisions.”
“What are you, the little voice in my head that tells me those things every day?” asked Messel. “Markus, please, stop! I deal with this enough already, just… please!”
“I mean, nobody, even in the family accepts you as male. I’m pretty I heard people referring to you as female before you showed up. “Accepting” you is just a thing that people do so they don’t have to deal with your hostility if they bend to your childish whims! But I’m not afraid of you, Messel. I’m not afraid to help you!”
Nobody around the room could meet Messel’s gaze when he looked around the room at them. He started walking out of the room, not even pausing to get his coat from the coat room. As he reached the door he looked around at them, still frozen in place, still staring at him but not really looking at him.
“Thanks, everyone, for supporting me.” spat Messel before going through the door and slamming it.
**ACT 2**
**CW: Suicide, self harm **
Messel waited outside the townhouse for the taxi to come. The bus had dropped him off nearby here, and his Aunt Cassandra was going to drive him home, but he wasn’t going to go back in that house. Maybe ever again. And he couldn’t stomach the thought of going to the holiday party tomorrow, either.
Really, Messel couldn’t much stomach the thought of much of anything.
“Messel! Messel!” Messel turned around to see Cassandra, carrying Messel’s coat. “Messel, you forgot this. Wouldn’t want to lose it.”
“Thanks.” said Messel. He held the coat in his hands, not putting it on, and turned away from his aunt.
It was silent for a long moment. Finally, Cassandra said, “Messel, I-”
“I really don’t want to talk about it.” said Messel. “I just want to go home.”
“Well, I’m going to talk about it, but you don’t have to listen. Messel, I know you’ve been transgender all your life, but this whole transgender thing is still new to us, sometimes we mess up, heck, sometimes I even get um, regulargender people’s pronouns wrong too. So I’m sorry we got them wrong. But we really do accept you, Messel. We-”
“It’s not about that.” said Messel. “Well, only partially. You all just stood there. Markus was making me feel horrible, and you all just stood there and watched. Like I was a show. On display.”
“I… don’t really do well with conflict.” said Cassandra.
“And my grandfather ran away!” added Messel.
“He had to get his Xanax! You know how he gets when he doesn’t have his Xanax during a panic attack.”
Messel looked angrily back at Cassandra. “All it would have taken is one person telling Markus to stop. Just one person. Even if he hadn’t, I would have felt better. Supported. Now all it feels like is that everyone agreed with him.”
“None of us do, Messel.”
Messel snorted.
It was silent yet again for a while until the taxi showed up. “Wait, Messel, please. Just come inside and reconcile with Markus or we’ll kick him out instead. We don’t want to ruin the holidays.”
Messel looked incredulously to this aunt. “I ruined the holidays?”
“That’s not what I meant, Messel, I-”
“Oh, and everyone will be gossiping about me tomorrow or I’ll ruin that party, too. I see how it is.”
He opened the door to the taxi. “I just fuck everything up, don’t I? I ruin everything. Even my own life.”
As Cassandra yelled protestations and attempted to open the door, Messel locked it and began to tell the taxi driver where he wanted to go. Home.
Really, Messel couldn’t much stomach the thought of much of anything.
“Messel! Messel!” Messel turned around to see Cassandra, carrying Messel’s coat. “Messel, you forgot this. Wouldn’t want to lose it.”
“Thanks.” said Messel. He held the coat in his hands, not putting it on, and turned away from his aunt.
It was silent for a long moment. Finally, Cassandra said, “Messel, I-”
“I really don’t want to talk about it.” said Messel. “I just want to go home.”
“Well, I’m going to talk about it, but you don’t have to listen. Messel, I know you’ve been transgender all your life, but this whole transgender thing is still new to us, sometimes we mess up, heck, sometimes I even get um, regulargender people’s pronouns wrong too. So I’m sorry we got them wrong. But we really do accept you, Messel. We-”
“It’s not about that.” said Messel. “Well, only partially. You all just stood there. Markus was making me feel horrible, and you all just stood there and watched. Like I was a show. On display.”
“I… don’t really do well with conflict.” said Cassandra.
“And my grandfather ran away!” added Messel.
“He had to get his Xanax! You know how he gets when he doesn’t have his Xanax during a panic attack.”
Messel looked angrily back at Cassandra. “All it would have taken is one person telling Markus to stop. Just one person. Even if he hadn’t, I would have felt better. Supported. Now all it feels like is that everyone agreed with him.”
“None of us do, Messel.”
Messel snorted.
It was silent yet again for a while until the taxi showed up. “Wait, Messel, please. Just come inside and reconcile with Markus or we’ll kick him out instead. We don’t want to ruin the holidays.”
Messel looked incredulously to this aunt. “I ruined the holidays?”
“That’s not what I meant, Messel, I-”
“Oh, and everyone will be gossiping about me tomorrow or I’ll ruin that party, too. I see how it is.”
He opened the door to the taxi. “I just fuck everything up, don’t I? I ruin everything. Even my own life.”
As Cassandra yelled protestations and attempted to open the door, Messel locked it and began to tell the taxi driver where he wanted to go. Home.
By the time Messel got back to his apartment, he felt even worse. Collapsing onto his couch-bed, he grabbed a pillow and begun sobbing into it. The worst thing was that Markus was right. Everything he’d told him was his worst feelings about life. That he wasn’t smart enough. Not good enough. That he would never be good for anything. That things would be easier if he stopped thinking he was male. That people would start treating him better.
But the fact was, nobody would ever treat Messel well, he realized. Things weren’t going to get better in his life. He was just so worthless, such a failure. He couldn’t live any more with people constantly putting him down, with the constant mistakes he made. What was the point of living if your life was only going to get worse? Even when he wanted to be happy he was sad.
Messel rolled up the sleeves of his sweater. His arms were marked with a few faint light brown scars, barely noticeable against his skin of a slightly darker shade. Nobody ever noticed or cared about them. Even when people saw them, they never asked.
As Messel got out the razor, he heard banging at his door but ignored it. Why had he ever thought he deserved to live? Why did he ever think he was worth anything?
God. There was so much blood. Messel smiled involuntarily seeing it. He would never have to listen to Markus again. He would never have to feel useless again. He slumped onto the bed, feeling his consciousness drain away. It was… just… like…. falli
But the fact was, nobody would ever treat Messel well, he realized. Things weren’t going to get better in his life. He was just so worthless, such a failure. He couldn’t live any more with people constantly putting him down, with the constant mistakes he made. What was the point of living if your life was only going to get worse? Even when he wanted to be happy he was sad.
Messel rolled up the sleeves of his sweater. His arms were marked with a few faint light brown scars, barely noticeable against his skin of a slightly darker shade. Nobody ever noticed or cared about them. Even when people saw them, they never asked.
As Messel got out the razor, he heard banging at his door but ignored it. Why had he ever thought he deserved to live? Why did he ever think he was worth anything?
God. There was so much blood. Messel smiled involuntarily seeing it. He would never have to listen to Markus again. He would never have to feel useless again. He slumped onto the bed, feeling his consciousness drain away. It was… just… like…. falli
There was light all around him. Blistering, bleeding white. There was loudness, too. Bloops and beeps and sensation and screaming and
she’s not going to
i think she’s a goner
start the transfusion
what a waste of
i think she’s a goner
start the transfusion
what a waste of
Messel slowly opened his eyes. He didn’t know why that seemed wrong, or why he wasn’t in his apartment. All of the memories flashed into his brain. Oh no. He wasn’t dead.
Unless the afterlife looked like a plain white room in a hospital. He couldn’t move his body very well, and while at first he considered he might really be dead, he realized he was restrained to the bed. His wrists were deeply padded in some sort of material, and there was an IV in his arm. His wrists hurt, badly. He was wearing only a thin paper gown that barely covered anything- even his binder had been taken away from him. He felt utterly and completely helpless and exposed.
Messel lay there paralyzed, wishing he was dead, feeling horrible for having survived. This was going to make his life even worse. Now everyone would knew he’d attempted suicide. That he really couldn’t handle the stress of school. Or the stress of being transgender.
After a few minutes, a nurse showed up. “Oh, look, the patient is awake. Miss Messel… von Wolff, I presume.”
“Um, Mr. Messel von Wolff.” corrected Messel. “I’m transgender.”
The nurse glared at Messel, rolling her eyes. “Listen, I don’t indulge any of my patients’ delusions here, Miss von Wolff. This is a psychiatric ward of a hospital. We’re trying to make you better.”
“Well, I’d feel a lot better if you didn’t misgender me!” said Messel.
The woman made a note on her clipboard. “We don’t want to make you feel better, we want to make you better. There’s a significant difference. Anyway, you’re currently restrained because you’re at a danger of hurting yourself again. It seems you have a history of self-harm.”
“I want to talk to my lawyer.” said Messel.
“This is a hospital, not a prison. Miss von Wolff, if you cooperate with us, we can have the doctor in sooner and he can evaluate taking you out of your restraints.”
Messel frowned. “Yes. I do.”
“For how long?”
Messel tried to look away from the nurse. “Um. The last few years. I’m not being vague, I don’t really remember when I started. Maybe in my sophomore year of college?”
“Do you see any mental health professionals?”
“I used to see one in Illinois, before I moved here. She gave me my recommendation letter for hormone therapy. I never found anyone here in California because I was too busy.”
“Do you take any medications?”
“I take Synthroid, 100 mg, and have testosterone shots once weekly.”
Unless the afterlife looked like a plain white room in a hospital. He couldn’t move his body very well, and while at first he considered he might really be dead, he realized he was restrained to the bed. His wrists were deeply padded in some sort of material, and there was an IV in his arm. His wrists hurt, badly. He was wearing only a thin paper gown that barely covered anything- even his binder had been taken away from him. He felt utterly and completely helpless and exposed.
Messel lay there paralyzed, wishing he was dead, feeling horrible for having survived. This was going to make his life even worse. Now everyone would knew he’d attempted suicide. That he really couldn’t handle the stress of school. Or the stress of being transgender.
After a few minutes, a nurse showed up. “Oh, look, the patient is awake. Miss Messel… von Wolff, I presume.”
“Um, Mr. Messel von Wolff.” corrected Messel. “I’m transgender.”
The nurse glared at Messel, rolling her eyes. “Listen, I don’t indulge any of my patients’ delusions here, Miss von Wolff. This is a psychiatric ward of a hospital. We’re trying to make you better.”
“Well, I’d feel a lot better if you didn’t misgender me!” said Messel.
The woman made a note on her clipboard. “We don’t want to make you feel better, we want to make you better. There’s a significant difference. Anyway, you’re currently restrained because you’re at a danger of hurting yourself again. It seems you have a history of self-harm.”
“I want to talk to my lawyer.” said Messel.
“This is a hospital, not a prison. Miss von Wolff, if you cooperate with us, we can have the doctor in sooner and he can evaluate taking you out of your restraints.”
Messel frowned. “Yes. I do.”
“For how long?”
Messel tried to look away from the nurse. “Um. The last few years. I’m not being vague, I don’t really remember when I started. Maybe in my sophomore year of college?”
“Do you see any mental health professionals?”
“I used to see one in Illinois, before I moved here. She gave me my recommendation letter for hormone therapy. I never found anyone here in California because I was too busy.”
“Do you take any medications?”
“I take Synthroid, 100 mg, and have testosterone shots once weekly.”
The nurse asked Messel what felt like several hundred more questions before explaining to him that he would be here for at least the next 72 hours at least. Every fifteen minutes, someone would check on him, even if he was asleep. In a few hours, a psychologist would visit him, and if allowed to be unrestrained, he would be able to have some breakfast.
Messel, finally, had one question remaining. “How did I get here? Did I… did I call 911 or somethign?”
“Your aunt did, apparently.” said the nurse, checking her clipboard.
“My aunt?” asked Messel. Did Cassandra follow him home?
“Yeah, your aunt.” said the nurse. “She and her kid left before you woke up. Anyway, see you in fifteen minutes.”
Messel, finally, had one question remaining. “How did I get here? Did I… did I call 911 or somethign?”
“Your aunt did, apparently.” said the nurse, checking her clipboard.
“My aunt?” asked Messel. Did Cassandra follow him home?
“Yeah, your aunt.” said the nurse. “She and her kid left before you woke up. Anyway, see you in fifteen minutes.”
“So, Miss von Wolff.” said the psychologist entering the room. “I’m Dr. Lorp. Why don’t you tell me about how you got here?”
“It’s Mr. von Wolff.” said Messel. “Or you could just call me Messel.”
“Oh, yes, Anna wrote down that you suffer from Gender Identity Disorder. I’m not going to induldge that sort of thing here. What’s your real name, by the way?”
“Messel. Messel has always been my name. It’s a gender neutral name.”
“That sounds like a lie, Miss von Wolff. Anyway, please, tell me how you got here?”
“Well, I’ve been struggling with school a lot lately, and I’ve been having a hard time transitioning to living in her rather than Illinois. I went to a holiday party with my grandfather and great-aunt and my uncle’s families. My uncle, who is very transphobic, decided he was going to antagonize me.”
“What sort of things did he say?”
“That nobody would ever accept me as male. That it was ruining all my relationships.”
“Well, your uncle seems like a very smart man, though maybe he could say things in a less antagonizing way.”
Messel almost shrieked. “He also called me stupid! And called my parents stupid as well! It was very insulting!”
“Well, trying to kill yourself isn’t very smart, is it?”
Messel gritted his teeth and stared at the psychologist.
“Dr. Lorp. I’d just appreciate getting out my restraints. I don’t think I’m going to try to hurt myself again, and I’d appreciate being able to just sit on this bed. I feel really…. exposed. Just sitting here. And could I possibly have the clothes I came in here with?”
“It says in these notes you were wearing some sort of suffocating device.”
Messel sighed. “It’s called a binder. It’s like a bra.”
“I think we can get you out of the restraints, but the clothes will be a no.”
“So I’ll get them back when I get out of here?”
“Well, I think I’d call this visit a success if we could convince you you’re no longer transgender.”
“What?” asked Messel. “I get committed here for trying to kill myself, and you won’t let me go unless I say I’m not transgender? This is ridiculous. I want to get out of here now.”
“You could sign a form to get released, but you’ll be released in 72 hours after you submit the form, and you’ll be released against medical advice. It’ll be at least ten thousand dollars of a hospital bill.”
The tears came once again from Messel’s eyes. “I can’t… I can’t afford this. Why can’t you just let me go!? It’s Christmas Eve!”
“I’m aware.” said Dr. Lorp. “Do you think I want to be here today? But you won’t be released until you get better.”
“It’s Mr. von Wolff.” said Messel. “Or you could just call me Messel.”
“Oh, yes, Anna wrote down that you suffer from Gender Identity Disorder. I’m not going to induldge that sort of thing here. What’s your real name, by the way?”
“Messel. Messel has always been my name. It’s a gender neutral name.”
“That sounds like a lie, Miss von Wolff. Anyway, please, tell me how you got here?”
“Well, I’ve been struggling with school a lot lately, and I’ve been having a hard time transitioning to living in her rather than Illinois. I went to a holiday party with my grandfather and great-aunt and my uncle’s families. My uncle, who is very transphobic, decided he was going to antagonize me.”
“What sort of things did he say?”
“That nobody would ever accept me as male. That it was ruining all my relationships.”
“Well, your uncle seems like a very smart man, though maybe he could say things in a less antagonizing way.”
Messel almost shrieked. “He also called me stupid! And called my parents stupid as well! It was very insulting!”
“Well, trying to kill yourself isn’t very smart, is it?”
Messel gritted his teeth and stared at the psychologist.
“Dr. Lorp. I’d just appreciate getting out my restraints. I don’t think I’m going to try to hurt myself again, and I’d appreciate being able to just sit on this bed. I feel really…. exposed. Just sitting here. And could I possibly have the clothes I came in here with?”
“It says in these notes you were wearing some sort of suffocating device.”
Messel sighed. “It’s called a binder. It’s like a bra.”
“I think we can get you out of the restraints, but the clothes will be a no.”
“So I’ll get them back when I get out of here?”
“Well, I think I’d call this visit a success if we could convince you you’re no longer transgender.”
“What?” asked Messel. “I get committed here for trying to kill myself, and you won’t let me go unless I say I’m not transgender? This is ridiculous. I want to get out of here now.”
“You could sign a form to get released, but you’ll be released in 72 hours after you submit the form, and you’ll be released against medical advice. It’ll be at least ten thousand dollars of a hospital bill.”
The tears came once again from Messel’s eyes. “I can’t… I can’t afford this. Why can’t you just let me go!? It’s Christmas Eve!”
“I’m aware.” said Dr. Lorp. “Do you think I want to be here today? But you won’t be released until you get better.”
Messel was finally released from his restraints, and breakfast was given food he could eat without silverware, which he wasn’t given. Whenever he wanted to go to the bathroom he had to not only ask but be watched. He went to group therapy, which was incredibly unhelpful, then had lunch.
It was at six that a nurse appeared at Messel’s door. “Messel, you have a visitor.”
Messel was horrified to see that the visitor was Markus. “Uncle Markus? What in the world are you doing here?”
“Well, Messel, I couldn’t just abandon my favorite niece on Christmas Even. Even though she’s hurt me so much.” said Markus. He sat down in a chair provided.
“I’ve hurt you?” asked Messel. “Uncle Markus, the main reason that I’m here is because of those horrible things you said to me. They made me feel like… I still kind of feel like… there’s no hope in my future. And the fact that nobody supported me. Nobody told you to stop, even though I was very distressed.”
“You’re blaming me for your suicide?” asked Markus. “That’s incredibly rude of you, Messel.”
“I’m just being honest.” said Messel. “Uncle Markus, you really hurt me. I have a lot of bad feelings about myself, and usually I’m able to deal with them, but t-”
“Don’t blame me for your feelings, Messel.” Markus shook his head sternly. “And I was only trying to help you.”
“But you made me kill myself!” shouted Messel.
“I didn’t make you do anything!”
“Before that party, I was distressed, but kind of happy, okay?” replied Messel. “I was hoping things would get better next semester. I thought graduate school was supposed to be hard. Yes, sometimes I thought about suicide. I thought about killing myself. I thought about how hard it was to be transgender. But I hadn’t really…I don’t know!”
Messel begun to cry, but Markus just stared at him. “Messel, suicide is never the correct answer. Even when your life may be basically ruined by continuing on the path you’re going. You’ve disappointed me, you’ve disappointed your parents, you’ve disappointed, your whole family, and you’ve ruined my christmas.”
“I’ve ruined your christmas?” said Messel. “I ruined your christmas?”
“Yes.” said Markus with a nod. “Sebastian kicked me out of the Christmas party. So I decided to visit you.”
“He kicked you out?” asked Messel.
“Yes.” said Markus with a nod. “Unless you forgave me.”
Messel scowled. “Give me a paper and a pen, Uncle Markus.”
Markus did so, and Messel penned a note.
It was at six that a nurse appeared at Messel’s door. “Messel, you have a visitor.”
Messel was horrified to see that the visitor was Markus. “Uncle Markus? What in the world are you doing here?”
“Well, Messel, I couldn’t just abandon my favorite niece on Christmas Even. Even though she’s hurt me so much.” said Markus. He sat down in a chair provided.
“I’ve hurt you?” asked Messel. “Uncle Markus, the main reason that I’m here is because of those horrible things you said to me. They made me feel like… I still kind of feel like… there’s no hope in my future. And the fact that nobody supported me. Nobody told you to stop, even though I was very distressed.”
“You’re blaming me for your suicide?” asked Markus. “That’s incredibly rude of you, Messel.”
“I’m just being honest.” said Messel. “Uncle Markus, you really hurt me. I have a lot of bad feelings about myself, and usually I’m able to deal with them, but t-”
“Don’t blame me for your feelings, Messel.” Markus shook his head sternly. “And I was only trying to help you.”
“But you made me kill myself!” shouted Messel.
“I didn’t make you do anything!”
“Before that party, I was distressed, but kind of happy, okay?” replied Messel. “I was hoping things would get better next semester. I thought graduate school was supposed to be hard. Yes, sometimes I thought about suicide. I thought about killing myself. I thought about how hard it was to be transgender. But I hadn’t really…I don’t know!”
Messel begun to cry, but Markus just stared at him. “Messel, suicide is never the correct answer. Even when your life may be basically ruined by continuing on the path you’re going. You’ve disappointed me, you’ve disappointed your parents, you’ve disappointed, your whole family, and you’ve ruined my christmas.”
“I’ve ruined your christmas?” said Messel. “I ruined your christmas?”
“Yes.” said Markus with a nod. “Sebastian kicked me out of the Christmas party. So I decided to visit you.”
“He kicked you out?” asked Messel.
“Yes.” said Markus with a nod. “Unless you forgave me.”
Messel scowled. “Give me a paper and a pen, Uncle Markus.”
Markus did so, and Messel penned a note.
Dear Great-Grandfather;
I don’t know why you thought it would be a good idea for the person who drove me to suicide to be kicked out of the party unless I forgave him. Who I really wanted to see in the hospital after my suicide attempt was my uncle Markus, of course.
I forgive my Uncle Markus, so long as he stays at your party and does not come to bother me again.
Merry Christmas,
Messel von Wolff
I don’t know why you thought it would be a good idea for the person who drove me to suicide to be kicked out of the party unless I forgave him. Who I really wanted to see in the hospital after my suicide attempt was my uncle Markus, of course.
I forgive my Uncle Markus, so long as he stays at your party and does not come to bother me again.
Merry Christmas,
Messel von Wolff
Messel handed Markus the piece of paper with an angry smile. “Give this to my great-grandfather, alright? And tell my aunt Cassandra thank you for following me home.”
“Alright, Messel, thank you.” Markus got out of his chair and walked to the door, then turned back to Messel and gave him a quizzical look. “Cassandra didn’t follow you home. She came back to the party.”
“Alright, Messel, thank you.” Markus got out of his chair and walked to the door, then turned back to Messel and gave him a quizzical look. “Cassandra didn’t follow you home. She came back to the party.”
**ACT 3**
Soon night came. Messel felt even worse being in this place. Now he had some amount of freedom, but it was hard to sleep when people kept coming in to check him, and by the time he woke up, he felt even more horrible than before.
But what he said to Markus was true. He had been doing his best with his problems, and he didn’t really want to be gone. He struggled with suicidal feelings, with feeling worthless, with feeling like pretending to be cis would be easier than being transgender, but he just had to hope that things would eventually get better.
Actually, that made him feel worse….
But what he said to Markus was true. He had been doing his best with his problems, and he didn’t really want to be gone. He struggled with suicidal feelings, with feeling worthless, with feeling like pretending to be cis would be easier than being transgender, but he just had to hope that things would eventually get better.
Actually, that made him feel worse….
The first event of the morning was yet another visitor. “This man tried to visit you last night, Miss von Wolff. Tragically, visiting hours were over.”
“How dare you misgender my grandchild!” Messel could recognize his great-grandfather’s voice anywhere. Dressed in an elaborate black outfit with a red sweater, he sat down huffily on a chair, glaring at the nurse before looking to Messel with a comforting expression. “Oh, Messel darling, as soon as Markus arrived at the party with that note I canceled the whole thing and came here as fast as I could! I had no idea you’d tried to kill yourself, all I heard is that you and Markus got into a huge fight and that you left Cassandra and Lukas’s party very upset! Rightfully so, of course, if I was there I would have punched Markus right in the face! In fact, if Georg hadn’t held me back, I would have done that when I read the note you sent me!”
Messel laughed slightly. “I wish you would have been there. But Markus told me that everyone knew about my attempted suicide. That everyone was disappointed in me. Disgusted by me.”
“Disappointed?” Sebastian’s face fell as he reached over to hug his great-grandson. “Oh, darling, never.”
Messel cried once again as his great-grandfather touched him. “I’m so sorry you canceled the party because of me and you couldn’t even visit me! You shouldn’t have canceled it at all!”
“But how could I be there and pretend to be happy when you were here, Messel?” asked Sebastian. “And how could I be pleased with all the people who didn’t tell me the truth!” He reached into his pocket and produced a handkerchief for Messel.
‘Thank you.” said Messel, accepting the handkerchief. “I’m sorry I ruined Christmas for you.”
“It’s not ruined, Messel. Here I am with you, aren’t I? Celebrating the holidays with my family.”
“You can only have half an hour with her.” said the nurse. “And if you yell at me again, I will throw you out.”
Sebastian cast a long glare at the nurse. “Darling, do you want to be here? At the hospital? Do you think it’s helping in your recovery?”
Messel shook his head. “Not really. I hate it here. I kind of feel like I’m getting worse.”
“She can’t be checked out for another 48ish hours.” said the nurse.
“But could Messel be transferred to a different facility?”
The nurse nodded. “Would you like that better, Messel?”
“Really, I’d just like to go to a quiet place and think for a while.” said Messel. “Be with my parents, or maybe you, and maybe we could try to find a helpful therapist in this area.”
Sebastian nodded. “Well, I have to go make a phone call, I promise, Messel, I’ll be right back.”
“Okay.” said Messel.
“How dare you misgender my grandchild!” Messel could recognize his great-grandfather’s voice anywhere. Dressed in an elaborate black outfit with a red sweater, he sat down huffily on a chair, glaring at the nurse before looking to Messel with a comforting expression. “Oh, Messel darling, as soon as Markus arrived at the party with that note I canceled the whole thing and came here as fast as I could! I had no idea you’d tried to kill yourself, all I heard is that you and Markus got into a huge fight and that you left Cassandra and Lukas’s party very upset! Rightfully so, of course, if I was there I would have punched Markus right in the face! In fact, if Georg hadn’t held me back, I would have done that when I read the note you sent me!”
Messel laughed slightly. “I wish you would have been there. But Markus told me that everyone knew about my attempted suicide. That everyone was disappointed in me. Disgusted by me.”
“Disappointed?” Sebastian’s face fell as he reached over to hug his great-grandson. “Oh, darling, never.”
Messel cried once again as his great-grandfather touched him. “I’m so sorry you canceled the party because of me and you couldn’t even visit me! You shouldn’t have canceled it at all!”
“But how could I be there and pretend to be happy when you were here, Messel?” asked Sebastian. “And how could I be pleased with all the people who didn’t tell me the truth!” He reached into his pocket and produced a handkerchief for Messel.
‘Thank you.” said Messel, accepting the handkerchief. “I’m sorry I ruined Christmas for you.”
“It’s not ruined, Messel. Here I am with you, aren’t I? Celebrating the holidays with my family.”
“You can only have half an hour with her.” said the nurse. “And if you yell at me again, I will throw you out.”
Sebastian cast a long glare at the nurse. “Darling, do you want to be here? At the hospital? Do you think it’s helping in your recovery?”
Messel shook his head. “Not really. I hate it here. I kind of feel like I’m getting worse.”
“She can’t be checked out for another 48ish hours.” said the nurse.
“But could Messel be transferred to a different facility?”
The nurse nodded. “Would you like that better, Messel?”
“Really, I’d just like to go to a quiet place and think for a while.” said Messel. “Be with my parents, or maybe you, and maybe we could try to find a helpful therapist in this area.”
Sebastian nodded. “Well, I have to go make a phone call, I promise, Messel, I’ll be right back.”
“Okay.” said Messel.
When Sebastian returned, it was with two nurses. “Well, Miss von Wolff, here are your things, your great-grandfather will be transferring you to Maplesand Psychiatric Hospital.”
Messel took the bag. “Thank you, great-grandfather.”
“It’s no trouble at all, darling. Now, dress, and let’s go.”
Messel felt a lot more like himself dressed in his regular clothes. Sebastian had brought his closed-top car to visit, and Sebastian got onto the highway.
After a minute or two, Sebastian finally said, “I tried to kill myself once, too.”
“What?” asked Messel. “Is that true?”
“Why would I tell you that if I wasn’t true?” asked Sebastian. “It was long before you were born, dear. When your grandfather was still in high school.”
This was stunning to Messel. His great-grandfather seemed like such a happy man, he’d rarely seen him upset. Sebastian continued. “It was after Xander ran away. It broke me. Not knowing where my son was. Not even knowing if he was alive. The first few months were so devastating. I found it so hard to care about anything anymore. It was hard to wake up in the morning. One of the people I cared about more than anything in the world was gone. Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore. I downed almost a whole bottle of vodka and Lukas’s anti-anxiety pills.”
Sebastian looked like he was a thousand miles away. Messel kind of stared at him, gripped in the story. Obviously, he knew how it ended. His grandfather was right here, driving the car. But still he asked, “What… what happened?”
“Georg found me. He made me drink something disgusting and I barfed up most of it. He took me to the hospital. I don’t remember what he told them, but I was completely out of it. They pumped my stomach but I got out the next day. He didn’t tell them it was intentional.”
“Anyway, in the next few weeks, I started opening up to the people who I loved about my feelings and how devastated I was about Xander, and I started seeing a therapist. Things got better for me. I never stopped looking for Xander, I never did. And then, a year later, I found him.”
Sebastian looked out the window. “I’m not going to tell you what state he was in, because that’s between us, but I did send him to a psychiatric hospital. And I think it made him better, but he also hated me so much for it. He hasn’t spoken to me since, Messel.”
Messel realized that Sebastian was crying. “I think you tried to do the right thing?”
“I know I tried! But I don’t think it was good enough! I should have just… taken care of him! I should have just… tried my best to love him!”
There were a lot of cars on the freeway on this early Christmas morning. A slight nervousness ran through Messel’s body. “Great-grandfather… does Maplesand Psychiatric Hospital exist?”
“Monroe printed the forms for me. Messel, you were miserable there, weren’t you?”
Messel had been miserable there, but he didn’t really think that taking him early was the best idea. Sure, it was what he wanted to happen, but maybe if he could go to a place where it wasn’t horrible and they wouldn’t misgender him… well, there probably wasn’t a place like that. “I was. Where are we going?”
“We’re going home. I have a room set up for you, and we can celebrate Christmas together. And I’ve talked to my therapist and set up an appointment if you want to come to it. Would you like that?”
Messel nodded. “I’d like to see them, but I’ll probably have to find someone nearby me who’s more affordable.”
“Messel, I’d be completely willing to pay.” said Sebastian. “My relatives being happy and healthy is what gives me happiness. Plus, it’s not like I can’t easily afford it.”
“Okay.” said Messel. He wanted to say something like “you don’t have to do that” or “I can afford one myself” but honestly, he didn’t have a lot of money and if his great-grandfather was willing to pay, that was fine with him.
Messel took the bag. “Thank you, great-grandfather.”
“It’s no trouble at all, darling. Now, dress, and let’s go.”
Messel felt a lot more like himself dressed in his regular clothes. Sebastian had brought his closed-top car to visit, and Sebastian got onto the highway.
After a minute or two, Sebastian finally said, “I tried to kill myself once, too.”
“What?” asked Messel. “Is that true?”
“Why would I tell you that if I wasn’t true?” asked Sebastian. “It was long before you were born, dear. When your grandfather was still in high school.”
This was stunning to Messel. His great-grandfather seemed like such a happy man, he’d rarely seen him upset. Sebastian continued. “It was after Xander ran away. It broke me. Not knowing where my son was. Not even knowing if he was alive. The first few months were so devastating. I found it so hard to care about anything anymore. It was hard to wake up in the morning. One of the people I cared about more than anything in the world was gone. Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore. I downed almost a whole bottle of vodka and Lukas’s anti-anxiety pills.”
Sebastian looked like he was a thousand miles away. Messel kind of stared at him, gripped in the story. Obviously, he knew how it ended. His grandfather was right here, driving the car. But still he asked, “What… what happened?”
“Georg found me. He made me drink something disgusting and I barfed up most of it. He took me to the hospital. I don’t remember what he told them, but I was completely out of it. They pumped my stomach but I got out the next day. He didn’t tell them it was intentional.”
“Anyway, in the next few weeks, I started opening up to the people who I loved about my feelings and how devastated I was about Xander, and I started seeing a therapist. Things got better for me. I never stopped looking for Xander, I never did. And then, a year later, I found him.”
Sebastian looked out the window. “I’m not going to tell you what state he was in, because that’s between us, but I did send him to a psychiatric hospital. And I think it made him better, but he also hated me so much for it. He hasn’t spoken to me since, Messel.”
Messel realized that Sebastian was crying. “I think you tried to do the right thing?”
“I know I tried! But I don’t think it was good enough! I should have just… taken care of him! I should have just… tried my best to love him!”
There were a lot of cars on the freeway on this early Christmas morning. A slight nervousness ran through Messel’s body. “Great-grandfather… does Maplesand Psychiatric Hospital exist?”
“Monroe printed the forms for me. Messel, you were miserable there, weren’t you?”
Messel had been miserable there, but he didn’t really think that taking him early was the best idea. Sure, it was what he wanted to happen, but maybe if he could go to a place where it wasn’t horrible and they wouldn’t misgender him… well, there probably wasn’t a place like that. “I was. Where are we going?”
“We’re going home. I have a room set up for you, and we can celebrate Christmas together. And I’ve talked to my therapist and set up an appointment if you want to come to it. Would you like that?”
Messel nodded. “I’d like to see them, but I’ll probably have to find someone nearby me who’s more affordable.”
“Messel, I’d be completely willing to pay.” said Sebastian. “My relatives being happy and healthy is what gives me happiness. Plus, it’s not like I can’t easily afford it.”
“Okay.” said Messel. He wanted to say something like “you don’t have to do that” or “I can afford one myself” but honestly, he didn’t have a lot of money and if his great-grandfather was willing to pay, that was fine with him.
They finally arrived at home a few hours later. Monroe was standing at the front of the house. “They called from the hospital an hour ago. I told them what we agreed on.”
“Thank you, darling.” said Sebastian, going out of the car to hug Monroe. “Messel, I’ll show you to your room, you can put your things down, and then we can have a nice Christmas… Breakfast? Lunch?”
“Thank you, darling.” said Sebastian, going out of the car to hug Monroe. “Messel, I’ll show you to your room, you can put your things down, and then we can have a nice Christmas… Breakfast? Lunch?”
Brunch was the hors d'oeuvres from the party and large ham sandwiches with hot chocolate. “How was the party?” asked Messel. “You know, before you left.”
“Not very exciting.” replied Sebastian. “I was hopeful that Xander may show this year, but of course he didn’t.”
“I’ve never met my great-uncle.” admitted Messel. “What was he like?”
Monroe brought over a picture of Xander like it was his job- pictureholder, official bringer of pictures. In the picture, he was a thin young man with a bowl haircut holding a recorder. “He used to play recorder in the marching band.” said Sebastian. “This was taken right before he vanished. It plastered over this whole country.”
Xander looked like a less beardy and thin version of Lukas, but with Sebastian’s eyes and cheekbones. He wasn’t smiling.
“He’s a doctor now, isn’t he?”
“Yes.” replied Sebastian. “Apparently a very successful young man. I just hope he’s happy.”
“When was the last time you spoke?” asked Messel.
“I used to try and call him.” said Sebastian. “But eventually it got too hard. Knowing he was out there. Knowing he hated me. I love him so much. You don’t know how happy meeting him again would make me.”
“Yeah, well, we’re never going to see him again because he’s an asshole and doesn’t care about the two people who raised him.” said Von Wolff, appearing with a ham sandwich. “Hey, Messel. I hope you’re feeling better.”
“I am.” said Messel. “Or I think I will be.”
“I vote we kick Markus out of the family, Sebbie.” said Von Wolff as he sat down. “That’s my official vote as “dude who gave him his last name.””
Sebastian rolled his eyes as he ate a deviled egg. “We can’t just kick him out, dear, no matter how cruel he is.”
“Okay, Monroe, what’s your vote?”
“I’m not his grandfather.” said Monroe. “I don’t think I get a vote.”
“Not very exciting.” replied Sebastian. “I was hopeful that Xander may show this year, but of course he didn’t.”
“I’ve never met my great-uncle.” admitted Messel. “What was he like?”
Monroe brought over a picture of Xander like it was his job- pictureholder, official bringer of pictures. In the picture, he was a thin young man with a bowl haircut holding a recorder. “He used to play recorder in the marching band.” said Sebastian. “This was taken right before he vanished. It plastered over this whole country.”
Xander looked like a less beardy and thin version of Lukas, but with Sebastian’s eyes and cheekbones. He wasn’t smiling.
“He’s a doctor now, isn’t he?”
“Yes.” replied Sebastian. “Apparently a very successful young man. I just hope he’s happy.”
“When was the last time you spoke?” asked Messel.
“I used to try and call him.” said Sebastian. “But eventually it got too hard. Knowing he was out there. Knowing he hated me. I love him so much. You don’t know how happy meeting him again would make me.”
“Yeah, well, we’re never going to see him again because he’s an asshole and doesn’t care about the two people who raised him.” said Von Wolff, appearing with a ham sandwich. “Hey, Messel. I hope you’re feeling better.”
“I am.” said Messel. “Or I think I will be.”
“I vote we kick Markus out of the family, Sebbie.” said Von Wolff as he sat down. “That’s my official vote as “dude who gave him his last name.””
Sebastian rolled his eyes as he ate a deviled egg. “We can’t just kick him out, dear, no matter how cruel he is.”
“Okay, Monroe, what’s your vote?”
“I’m not his grandfather.” said Monroe. “I don’t think I get a vote.”
Cassandra and Lukas showed up around 3. “Dad? Dad, are you there? Messel, what in the world are you doing at this house?” asked Cassandra incredulously. “Aren’t you supposed to still be at the hospital?”
“I left.” said Messel. “It was really bad there.”
“It didn’t make you feel better?” asked Lukas. “That’s dissapointing.”
“Messel, I’m really sorry that you… I’m sorry that the party was really bad.” said Cassandra, approaching Messel. “We should have kicked Markus out earlier.”
“Markus isn’t allowed at my house next HumanLight unless he apologizes to me and your father.” added Lukas.
Cassandra let out a snort and raised an eyebrow. “You’re going to celebrate HumanLight again?”
“...yes, I probably won’t.” said Lukas. “Well, he won’t be allowed in my house for any reason again until he attempts better.”
“Lukas, I vote we disown him.” said Von Wolff. “Sebastian won’t sign off on it, but you’re his father.”
“No. Markus isn’t a bad person he just… thinks he’s right when he’s very, very wrong.” Lukas let out a long, deep sigh as he sat next to his sister. “Messel, I was really looking forward for you to coming for HumanLight. I was very excited to celebrate it and see you. Even though we’re at the same school, we don’t see each other very often.”
Messel still had one question. “Why didn’t you tell my grandfather what really happened?”
“Messel, we had no idea. I still have no idea how Markus found you. Who’s your emergency contact?” asked Cassandra.
“I don’t have one.” said Messel. “But I think I might put my great-grandfather down as him. Do my parents know yet?”
Lukas looked awkwardly off to the side. “Yes. I told them. They said they want to talk to you and they’d come visit you if it wasn’t so expensive.”
“Nonsense.” said Sebastian. “I’ll pay for them to come. And they can stay here.”
Messel looked to Sebastian. “I think I’d like to call them.”
“Well, go ahead. The phone’s in the living room. And tell them I’m willing to pay for them to come!!”
Messel hesitated as he walked towards the phone. What would he tell his parents? What could he even say? The phone was black and cold, and Messel’s hand shivered touching it. He picked up the phone and dialed his parents’ number. The phone rang, and then Messel’s mother picked up.
“Hello?”
He flipped his cell phone open and closed, his stomach twisting in complex knots.
Messel had told him something that had rung in his mind all evening.
“Do you maybe think that he’s afraid to talk to you too?”
Sebastian flipped the phone open, and went into his contacts, selecting the number he knew was Xander’s. He pressed the button to dial him, and the phone rang.
And rang.
And rang.
Finally, he arrived at the voicemail. “You’ve reached the voicemail of Dr. Xander Nesline. I am not available to come to the phone right now, or I have misplaced my phone, or my phone is uncharged. Please leave a message at the tone, and I will return your call when I am able. Thank you.”
Sebastian tried to leave a message, but the tears came swiftly, drowning out his voice, making him unable to leave a single word. He snapped his phone shut, trying to control his emotions.
He’d done his best to be the father Xander deserved, but he’d only failed him, hadn’t he?
“Hey. Sebbie.” It was Von Wolff. He sat on the couch next to Sebastian, wrapping an arm around him. “Who were you trying to call? What’s up?”
“I was trying to call Xander. I failed him, Georg. You know I did.”
“You didn’t fail Xander.” said Georg. At first, Sebastian thought this was a vaguely comforting statement, until Georg added, “We failed Xander.”
Sebastian only looked at the list of contacts on his phone. Maybe he should just delete his number entirely. It wasn’t like he’d ever get in contact with him ever again, was it? It was silent until Georg said, “But just because we fucked up in the past doesn’t mean we can’t try to fix things in the future, right?” Sebastian looked to the phone, and nodded. “Right. I’ll try him again. We can try until we finally reach him. One day he’ll answer. That’s all I want. Just to hear him again.”
Author's Note: I wrote this story because I felt like shit at the time, and that's the truth.
But let's not talk about that. Um. This has a three-act structure. I've considered rewriting it as a short play. I think it could be interesting. Like, not deleting this version, but making an alternate version that's a short play. I haven't written a play in a while.
I think it could be interesting.
Word Count: 7007 Words
“I left.” said Messel. “It was really bad there.”
“It didn’t make you feel better?” asked Lukas. “That’s dissapointing.”
“Messel, I’m really sorry that you… I’m sorry that the party was really bad.” said Cassandra, approaching Messel. “We should have kicked Markus out earlier.”
“Markus isn’t allowed at my house next HumanLight unless he apologizes to me and your father.” added Lukas.
Cassandra let out a snort and raised an eyebrow. “You’re going to celebrate HumanLight again?”
“...yes, I probably won’t.” said Lukas. “Well, he won’t be allowed in my house for any reason again until he attempts better.”
“Lukas, I vote we disown him.” said Von Wolff. “Sebastian won’t sign off on it, but you’re his father.”
“No. Markus isn’t a bad person he just… thinks he’s right when he’s very, very wrong.” Lukas let out a long, deep sigh as he sat next to his sister. “Messel, I was really looking forward for you to coming for HumanLight. I was very excited to celebrate it and see you. Even though we’re at the same school, we don’t see each other very often.”
Messel still had one question. “Why didn’t you tell my grandfather what really happened?”
“Messel, we had no idea. I still have no idea how Markus found you. Who’s your emergency contact?” asked Cassandra.
“I don’t have one.” said Messel. “But I think I might put my great-grandfather down as him. Do my parents know yet?”
Lukas looked awkwardly off to the side. “Yes. I told them. They said they want to talk to you and they’d come visit you if it wasn’t so expensive.”
“Nonsense.” said Sebastian. “I’ll pay for them to come. And they can stay here.”
Messel looked to Sebastian. “I think I’d like to call them.”
“Well, go ahead. The phone’s in the living room. And tell them I’m willing to pay for them to come!!”
Messel hesitated as he walked towards the phone. What would he tell his parents? What could he even say? The phone was black and cold, and Messel’s hand shivered touching it. He picked up the phone and dialed his parents’ number. The phone rang, and then Messel’s mother picked up.
“Hello?”
**Epilogue**
It was night. Messel was asleep, and his parents would be coming on the first flight in the morning. Von Wolff was watching soccer in the basement, and Monroe was curled up with his many cats, giving them their christmas presents. Sebastian was the only one out and about in the house.He flipped his cell phone open and closed, his stomach twisting in complex knots.
Messel had told him something that had rung in his mind all evening.
“Do you maybe think that he’s afraid to talk to you too?”
Sebastian flipped the phone open, and went into his contacts, selecting the number he knew was Xander’s. He pressed the button to dial him, and the phone rang.
And rang.
And rang.
Finally, he arrived at the voicemail. “You’ve reached the voicemail of Dr. Xander Nesline. I am not available to come to the phone right now, or I have misplaced my phone, or my phone is uncharged. Please leave a message at the tone, and I will return your call when I am able. Thank you.”
Sebastian tried to leave a message, but the tears came swiftly, drowning out his voice, making him unable to leave a single word. He snapped his phone shut, trying to control his emotions.
He’d done his best to be the father Xander deserved, but he’d only failed him, hadn’t he?
“Hey. Sebbie.” It was Von Wolff. He sat on the couch next to Sebastian, wrapping an arm around him. “Who were you trying to call? What’s up?”
“I was trying to call Xander. I failed him, Georg. You know I did.”
“You didn’t fail Xander.” said Georg. At first, Sebastian thought this was a vaguely comforting statement, until Georg added, “We failed Xander.”
Sebastian only looked at the list of contacts on his phone. Maybe he should just delete his number entirely. It wasn’t like he’d ever get in contact with him ever again, was it? It was silent until Georg said, “But just because we fucked up in the past doesn’t mean we can’t try to fix things in the future, right?” Sebastian looked to the phone, and nodded. “Right. I’ll try him again. We can try until we finally reach him. One day he’ll answer. That’s all I want. Just to hear him again.”
Author's Note: I wrote this story because I felt like shit at the time, and that's the truth.
But let's not talk about that. Um. This has a three-act structure. I've considered rewriting it as a short play. I think it could be interesting. Like, not deleting this version, but making an alternate version that's a short play. I haven't written a play in a while.
I think it could be interesting.
Word Count: 7007 Words
Date: November 11th, 2015
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