Kir was in his study, once again looking over those indecipherable pheirbian runes, when he heard a knock at the door. Before he went to get it, it was opened by his uncle Helorie. "Kir? Oh, there you are." Kir sighed and went up to meet his uncle.
Helorie pushed a shortish, chubby, hovering man in front of Kir. "Kir, this is Tavis Nae, one of the Royal Scholars in Vembrisa. I need you to watch him for the next few months, as he'll be staying here in Uldok, learning about our educational system."
"Hey." said Tavis, waving at Kir with a slightly clawed hand. Kir stared at the man.
"Um, Uncle Helorie, thank you for springing this responsibility on me with no warning. Um, Travis-"
"tAvis." corrected Tavis.
"Tavis, no offense, but I have my research to do, I do many important things around the palace, perhaps my uncle could-"
"What sort of research?" said Tavis, floating into the office and looking at all of Kir's things. "Is that a demilich?" he asked, pointing to the now fully, 100% dead demilich Kir kept in a glass case for study. "What's under that cloth?" Tavis peeked underneath, looking at Kir's new sort of undead minion, an infectious zombie that would only spread its curse onto the dead enemies of Uldok, never anyone else. "Zombies? Cool." Tavis floated over to Kir's desk, examining the runed stele he had on there. "Oh, cool, this is Pherbian, right? Based on the markings, probably a-"
Kir pinched his nose in frustration. "Look, Tavis, this is my private study, I don't need you getting into my things. Um, do you usually go into fellow mage's studies and poke around at all their private stuff?"
"Yup!" said Tavis in reply. "My bestie Ilnet and I share all our stuff, we're like, constantly up in each other's things. If I had my stuff here, I'd show it all to you, too. But this guy-" Tavis pointed to Helorie- "Took everything until I can prove I'm reformed. Oh, except for my headband, because I guess that would just be like, wizard abuse."
Kir sighed, deeply, frustratingly. "Uncle Helorie-"
"Look, you're already getting on wonderfully. Don't let Tavis around Bara or her parents, keep on eye on him, oh, yes, and some of his things are being shipped, so they will be coming here soon. Good luck!"
Helorie left, and Tavis moved into a lounging position in the air. "So, what's a vamp got to do to get a drink around here?"
Kir blinked. "You're also a vampire?"
Tavis's body rippled, revealing dark red eyes (Kir had sworn they were grey before) and sharp, pointed teeth. His brown skin was a greyer shade, like Kir's was, as the red beneath had been flushed out. "What, was the hovering not good enough for you?"
"I usually have my blood brought to me around tenish. I can inform the servants that they should bring you a glass around then as well, or I can have them bring it now."
Tavis stuck out his abnormally long tongue. "What? Blood in a glass? Doesn't that, like, ruin the flavor?"
"The servants have been informed I have a rare condition. A disease." Kir sat down, and Tavis turned around in midair to meet him. "Though I'm sure that the ones who attend me have figured out the truth. My condition is a state secret, and if the general population were to find out, I'm sure there would be an uproar."
Tavis blinked. "Hasn't your uncle Helorie been a crazypowerful lich for the last 300 years?"
"Yes, but he's reformed now. He's a regular human, if the definition of regular human included being in romantic relationship with his own relatives."
"He's also an insanely powerful archmage and uh, archarchivist. Archchivist? That ain't normal either."
"What I'm saying is, as a descendant of my father, I have to not put shame on the family tree. Mother would be disgusted by what I now am. I'm sure that my father would not be pleased either. But, as my condition is presently uncurable, I must live this pathetic half-life in-"
Kir was interupted by Tavis grabbing the sides of his head and squishing his cheeks. "Aw, you're an angsty vampire! That's adorable! Do you sit up at night, brooding and whining about what you've become? Do you write poetry about it? Can I read it?"
"I do not write poetry!" protested Kir. "And I do not angst. I simply have a realistic grip on the situation I am currently in." Kir attempted to pry Tavis's hands from his face, but the other vampire simply patted him on the head.
"Yeah, I'm thirsty. No blood at alll to drink in your wacky moon prison." Tavis thrust his fists up in the air. "I demand blood! Let the blood flow!"
"Please do not say anything like that when the blood actually comes. Oh, and land."
"What, do people not float in your wizard palace of wizards? That seems pointless. Everyone should float, always. It's the most practical form of movement."
"Are you just doing it to hide the fact you're short?" asked Kir.
"Look, not all of us can be six feet tall."
Kir resisted the urge to correct him- he was actually six feet three inches- and instead said, "Well, it's not normal. All of the royal family has flipping wings, and we rarely even get to fly around. Why we didn't actually build a palace that lets us flap about is beyond me." Kir walked to the wall and picked up the speaking cone. "Hello, um, it's me, Kir, I'm in my study. Can you bring me two drinks, one for me, one for my guest?"
"Yes, your majesty." replied the person on the other end. "They will be here as soon as possible." Kir hung up the cone and Tavis snickered.
"Two drinks? Euphemistic much?"
"My whole life is a euphemism." muttered Kir.
"What does that even mean?" asked Tavis.
Kir shrugged. "Anyway, how long are you going to be staying here? Um, how many months is the next few?"
"Until they think I'm reformed." replied Tavis. "Or whatever. I do kind of want to see all your schools and stuff, get ideas for Vembrisa. They weren't too big on educumation there until we took over. In fact, I actually used to teach at my own school, but the government burned it down, and all the students with it. I barely escaped, and lived in the woods for many years, then-"
Kir put up a hand to stop Tavis. "Are you going to tell me your entire life story? Please don't."
Tavis looked offended for once. "Um, okay, whatever then. Anyway, we're also both necromancers, I can help you with your research!"
"That sounds like a terrible idea." said Kir.
Tavis looked slightly more offended, before completely changing his face, pouting. "Please? I promise I'm a great necromancer! Back home in Vembrisa, I have a whole army of undead. I have constructs and constructs to support them, and countless clerics and students and technicians to take care of them, and I have an awesome staff I made to bring them back, even during battle, and I wrote my own spells to-"
Kir rolled his eyes. "I've got a doctorate in necromancy, and am a defining scholar of the discipline. Excuse me for not being impressed by the fact you've done one of the basic necromancer things, making your own undead army."
"Well, I think soul theory is-" Tavis was interrupted by a knock at the door, and landed as Kir went to the door. A servant was there, with two glasses of blood on a platter.
"Here you go, your majesty." Kir took the glasses and the servant bowed, put the platter under her arm, and left. He handed one to Tavis, who gratefully took a sip, before spitting it out all over Kir.
"Holy hells, what is this?"
"This is pig's blood." replied Kir, sipping his glass calmly as he wiped the blood away magically with his other hand. "It's the closest taste to human I've found."
"You have me drinking pig's blood? This is disgusting swill! Oh Xander, it's horrible!"
"Do you actually worship Xander? Would you still worship him after I told you some very embarrasing childhood stories about him?" Kir's lip twisted, remembering such memories as the time Xander convinced them all to go out and live in the woods and be adventurers, all the horn growing pains stories, the time Xander briefly converted to druidism at Danill and Chrysal's prodding, and all the times Sebastian showed up at the end of a visit to embarass the future god and call him his little lamb.
"Um, kind of, not really, maybe? Really I just have uh, figures of speech I pick up from other peoples. But I do want to hear Xander stories. Maybe later though."
Kir shrugged. "Anyway, drink your blood, there's no human blood to be found in this palace. You'll get used to the taste."
"Awww." Tavis tasted the blood again. "Wow. Awful."
"Maybe I'll take you to my friend Markus's house." contemplated Kir. "He at least can be accommodating. Anyway, we were having a fascinating argument, you were going to tell me what you thought about soul theory."
"Well, for one, soul theory can be kind of transphobic. The concept that trans people have gender-locked souls kind of implies there's a requirement to being trans, that there could be real trans people and fake trans people. It also excludes non-binary people."
"That's not actually part of original Soul Theory." replied Kir. "I don't agree with it, and Markus is such a transphobic asshole, he doesn't believe in trans people at all."
Travis's eyes widened and he almost half-giggled. "What, like they're imaginary? Hey, if a trans person broke into his house, could they steal all his stuff because he wouldn't believe they were real and really there? Just a hypothetical here."
"No, like they're just confused cis people and he has to do his best to make them realize that. He's got a relative, I'm not telling you which one, who's trans, and he keeps insisting to refering to him as her."
"Blegh." said Travis, disgusted again. "Your friend sounds like an asshole. I don't want to go to his house, even if they have tasty human blood there. Oh, and I don't like the part where personhood is defined."
"And that's from Soul Theory and Personhood." said Kir. "Actually, I'm pretty sure that Soul Theory and Personhood may have been satire, but people took it and ran with it. Have you actually read On Soul Theory? I'm sure we could have a fascinating conversation about it."
"Can you give me the summary first?"
"Well, the basics is, everyone has a soul- which I know is inaccurate and am pressuring Markus to remove in the second version, which we've been working on for gods know how long- and the soul is a source of great energy, which we don't completely understand. The soul is both incorporeal and corporeal, and somehow is a channel for more energy than a person can naturally possess. Um, the energy that mages take in, like food, calories, don't fuel their magic, they're more or less a spark, something that flicks against the soul and allows it to channel that energy. Souls can be completely manifested, made completely corporeal, and that will enhance a mage's power, but we don't know what the consequences are yet. There is much to be learned about the soul still. That's the basic summary."
"I'd like to read it, then. It sounds a lot more interesting than other people make it out to be."
"It's the fundamentals of soul theory. In the second version we will add a chapter on subtheories written by other authors, and hope to dispel or promote certain notions. Though if we three can agree on what we think is true and false, it will be an Orredmas miracle." Kir sighed, then turned around and rummaged through his bookshelf. "I suppose you can touch my books, but not the third one on my second shelf, it's primed to explode unless you say the password in the next thirty seconds, which is "All my past relationships.""
"Why is that the password?" asked Tavis.
"The password is basically "mistake." You know, in case I mistakenly tip that one over when reaching for another." said Kir. "I mean, I have copies of most of those texts, and will be teleported in the room to say the password myself, but just-"
"I'll remember!" said Tavis. He floated up to the bookshelves, rubbing his hands together. "Books... books...."
Kir stared at the man. "Well, I suppose we'll also have to find somewhere for you to sleep, and I'll have to introduce you to Leroi, gods know where that cat is now."
"We'll talk about it later." said Tavis. "Now books!" The man selected one from the shelf- It was "On Soul Theory", Kir's copy in Draconic, annotated by a past mentor- and began to read it, still hovering, sitting in midair. Kir went back to his decryption of the runes. They were just as baffling as they were before.
Author's Notes:
This is the best sniplet ever written.
Length: 2218 words
Date: March 17th
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