Illiam heard the doorbell ring, but ignored it. Xander or the kids would more likely answer it. And then there was Sevvie. “Dads! There’s old people’s at the door!”
Xander got to the door, opening it. “Hello. If you are selling anything, I do not wish to purchase it.”
“Is this Illiam Ashbur’s home?” came the voice of Illiam’s mother. He hardly recognized it- it had been years since he heard it. Illiam leapt out of his chair to run to the door.
“Yes, and it is mine. I am his husband, Xander. And who are you?”
Illiam, panting, frantic, arrived in the front room, where he saw his parents and Xander, Sevvie as well. When his mother saw him, she barreled past Xander and rushed towards him. “Illiam! Illiam! It’s been so long!”
“Xander! These people are not permitted in our house! Please! Remove them at once!” said Illiam firmly. Xander shook his head, smirking.
“I believe that is what I said when my parents arrived here, and look, look what that became. We now visit them, and even went on that charming vacation with them.”
“This is different, Xander. We need them out.”
“Illiam, stop being so melodramatic. Seva, look, these are your grandparents.”
“The mean ones?” asked Sevvie. “Hi, mean grandparents. I didn’t think I was ever going to have to meet you.”
“What a little brat!” said Illiam’s mother. “Come here, I’m going to give you a smack for that!”
Sevvie hid behind Xander and stuck out her tongue. “I’ve heard all sorts of stories about how you were mean to my dad and did all sorts of terrible things to him and Uncle Elian and how you’re just a big egg! Dad, please, make them go.”
Illiam’s grandparents sat down on the couch. “Children these days don’t know how to respect their elders. Illiam, don’t you have another ‘child’? Show it to me.”
Illiam rolled his eyes. “Why is child in air quotes? Seva and Jiro are biologically Xander and I’s children.”
“JIRO!” screamed Illiam’s grandmother. “Come down, little Jiro.” Jiro emerged from the kitchen, holding a copy of The Lightning Thief. “What a porky little thing! What does he do, just eat eat eat and read? Illiam, do you have any control over your children?”
Illiam sighed. “See, Xander, now do you understand why they aren’t let inside the house? Your father was calling the children little angels- which both you are- and my mother is just insulting them. Jiro, this is your grandmother.”
“Yeah, I overheard you talking from the kitchen.” Jiro looked to Illiam with pleading eyes. Illiam looked back, equally horrified. “Hi Ms. Grandma Ashbur.”
“That’s Mrs. Grandma Ashbur to you!’ said Illiam’s mother. “See, if these children had a mother she’d whip them into shape. She’d smack you, you little bratling, whenever you mouthed off, and smack your brother whenever he tried to get another treaty.”
Jiro tried to hide the utter hatred he currently had for his grandmother. “My sister is named Sevvie, and I’m Jiro. Well, technically her name is Seva, but everyone calls her Sevvie except for dad.”
“I guess she’d have to smack you both for mouthing off, then! Illiam, Illiam, don’t you see how the homosexual lifestyle is failing you? Your children are horrid, your husband is spineless-”
“I’ve actually been looking up on my phone if there is a legal way we can remove you from this domicile.” replied Xander. “This was a mistake.”
“Look! The traditional family is falling apart! The grandparents are not respected, but are attempted to be removed from the home, just for telling them the hard truths of life. The hard, painful, loving truths.”
Illiam looked to Sevvie and Jiro. “Kids, please, go somewhere else. You don’t have to listen to this.”
“Yes, go outside and play!” said Illiam’s mother. “If that even is a thing children do anymore, with their iPhones and Nintendos and the pocket monsters!” Jiro left the room, but Sevvie stayed.
“I don’t have to listen to you, Ms. Mean Face Old Grandma! I’m going to stay here, in case the dads need any moral support!”
“You mean immoral support!”
“You can’t just make things into bad puns and pretend they’re truths about life!” said Illiam. “God, I thought you’d gotten over that, it’s been who knows how many damned years. Anyway, what are you here for, just to reenact my worst nightmares or what?”
Illiam’s mother sighed and leaned back on the couch. “I want to see how my son is doing. Apparently, very badly. “Married” to another man, two horrid children, god knows what else.”
“I’m actually a sucessful psychiatrist who is happily married and has two wonderful children, thank you very much. I enjoy my life. I have a happy family without you.”
“But I’m sure on the inside you know how hollow the facade is. The image of a happy family, without the one thing that makes it truly happy, the love between a man and a woman.”
“Nope! I’m fucking gleeful! Because I live with three people who I extremely love!”
“I see I’m getting nowhere with this. Not yet, at least. How’s Elian doing? Is he dead yet?”
“Is he dead yet? What sort of question is that to ask about your son? No, he isn’t dead, he owns a very succesful cake shop, is married to Ulmer, you remember Ulmer right, and they adopted a daughter, Desta. They were going to be foster parents, but Desta was the first kid who was placed with them and they just fell in love, and since she wasn’t going to return to her birth parents, they adopted her.”
“I’m sure she would have prefered to return to her birth mother and father than be left in the care of homosexuals.”
“Ulmer, if you recall correctly, is actually bisexual, and I’m not going to gossip, but Desta’s birth parents were extremely abusive. And not just emotionally abusive, like you two, I mean-”
Illiam’s mother shrieked and reared up to her full height. “I’m abusive?! Just because I love you and your brother and only want the best for you?”
“YES!” screamed Illiam. “You are! My childhood was horrid! I had to watch everything I said around you! I could never be myself, I had to be an edited version of me, perfectly trimmed and picked so I didn’t get in trouble! You controlled everything I did, you made me who you wanted me to be, you tried to pit me against my own brother and then when you forced me to come out to you and you didn’t like what I came out as you sent me to that camp, where they literally beat us and starved us and isolated us! YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON!”
Illiam’s mother simply sat back down, expression not changing. “Ulmer. I thought he married that Monica girl. I bought you and your brother both tuxedos for that wedding. I thought it would be a true demonstration of the beauty and necessity of heterosexuality.”
“Yeah, it sure showed me the beauty of heterosexuality when Monica was a no-show and Elian started making out with Ulmer at the altar. And all the Roth family started cheering.” said Illiam.
“Isn’t that Ulmer black? Elian married a black man?”
“Look, on our walls. It is a picture of us with Elian and Ulmer and Desta at Disney World.” said Xander. Illiam had no idea why Xander had to point that out. Illiam’s mother went to go inspect it.
“Eugh. Who’s that girl with you, Desta’s birth mother?”
“No, that’s um, Xander’s sister’s niece, Ekaterina, it was a big family reunion.”
“Seems like a very diverse family.” said Illiam’s mother. “Alexander, do your parents ‘accept’ your homosexuality?”
“It is not short for Alexander.” said Xander. “I am merely Xander. My fathers are both bisexual. None of my siblings are straight. Ehimay has his two husbands-”
“Two? One isn’t enough?”
“Cassandra and Lukas are, um, well I don’t remember which is which, but they are both biromantic at the least- and Daniys is a lesbian. We are a large and happy family. We do not always get along, my father can be quite overbearing at times, but we at least all accept each other. Except for Markus. Because he is terrible.”
“Markus sounds like my sort of man.” said Illiam’s mother.
“If you ever meet you’ll perform a magic dance and merge into one terrible person!” exclaimed Sevvie. “Your new name will be Awfulite!”
“Child, why have you begun talking again? You were doing so well.”
“Because you’re a big mean face and I want you to stop harrasing my dads! Also, I was looking up how we can kick you out on my tablet.”
“Sevvie, give me your father’s phone, I’m calling the police.” said Illiam. He was done with this, completely.
“What are you going to tell them, oh no, my parents are here, giving me the old facts of life, please remove them so I can continue leading my awful lifestyle?”
“I’m going to tell them that my abusive, horrible mother is here and I would like her removed from my home and information on how I can get a restraining order.”
“A restraining order? I pushed you out of my body, and now you want a restraining order?”
“Look, I may have caused you many hours of pain, but that wasn’t intentional, and if we wanted to be even I would have caused you thousands of hours more, all the time I spent as a te-”
“I AM THE ONLY REASON YOU EXIST!” screamed Illiam’s mother.
“THAT DOESN’T MEAN THAT I’M YOURS!”
“I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS!”
“NEITHER DO I!”
“YOU ARE-”
“There is a fire in the upstairs master bedroom.” came the calm voice of the hi-tech smoke detector. “Please evacuate the home in a timely manner. There is a fire in the upstairs master bedroom. Please evacuate the home in a timely manner.”
Everyone ran out of the house, but as they did, Illiam noticed someone missing. “Jiro! I have to go back for him!”
Xander placed a hand on Illiam’s shoulder. “But what if the flames have already engulfed him!? I cannot lose you, too!”
Jiro calmly walked out of the house, a box of matches in one hand and a few burned sheets of paper towel in the other. He shut the door behind him. “Hi dads. Grandma Ashbur, I do other things besides eat and read. Sometimes, I set things on fire.”
“Jiro, darling, I-” Illiam hugged his son. “You are the best.”
“Thanks, dad. You’re the best, too.”
“Group hug!” exclaimed Sevvie. “No grandparents allowed!”
“Jiro, darling, why don’t we go to the bookstore, both you and Sevvie can pick out a book, and have a good time. Mother, father, if you are still here by the time I return, we are calling the police.”
“I wanna get a book about toads.” said Sevvie. “I hope they have all sorts of books on toads.”
“I am sure they will. Illiam, my car or yours?”
“Let’s take yours, I hope you have your keys.”
“I do.”
The family loaded up in the car, and began to drive away. Xander ashamedly looked down at the glove compartment (despite them going in his car, Illiam was the one driving). “I made a bad judgement call today, family. I hope you can forgive me.”
“I forgive you, dear.” said Illiam, briefly looking away from the road to kiss Xander on the cheek. “I think we’ve all learned an important lesson. Sometimes you drift away from your family for bad reasons, and sometimes for good.”
“And sometimes, even though children are not permitted to play with matches, they should.” said Xander. “This, too, is an important lesson.”
Author's Notes:
I find Jiro's actions in the story more powerful than anything he did in report card. Jiro is used effectively in this story, even though he isn't really the star he has his own unique and powerful role. This is a standard for well-written Jiro.
Length: 1975 words
Date: March 27th, 2015
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