It was the day. A very special day. The day of.... Xander and Illiam's wedding!! It would be the event of the century. Even cooler than Helorie's wedding. The day that Xander. And Illiam. Would be wed.
Illiam paced around the upper suite of the chapel. It was his wedding day, but he didn't even have a best man! The only option would be Xander, but sadly, he was getting married to him. This was not actually sad, and was vaguely happy, but still.
Suddenly, the window broke as Elian jumped in. He threw off the sunglasses he was wearing for no apparent reason. "Bro, I'm here to be your best man!"
"Are you really?"
Elian nodded. "Yes. I have no other motives at this wedding at all."
"Cool. Then I'm ready to get married."
The wedding guests had assembled in the chapel below. On the groom's side, almost every single god ever, the alkavov family, all the von wolffs and neslines, maelys's family and most archdevils. Terill took up an entire row with all his spouses. This invitation said +1, Terill, not +all your s/os.
On the other groom's side, Jeh, Alix, who was totally now a sweet skeleton ghost, the small fry adventure squad, Ulmer, and Desta, who were in laptop forms. I bet you didn't even know they had laptop forms.
Elian and Illiam waited at the altar. Nobody could tell them apart. The groom. And the groom's men. Sadly Illiam has no other major male friends, because's he's an asshole. Messel and Markus have been coerced into being here.
The wedding march begins to play, performed by Eznar on the bone organ. Most of the good deities in attendance attempt to cover their ears. Sevvie is first, the darling flower girl. She is followed by all of her pets. Illiam does not remember that being part of the wedding plans, but just kind of rolls with it. Anything for his child.
Now here come the bridesmaids. The female archdevils. Cassandra and Daniys, the sisters of the groom. Shouldn't these ladies be groomsmaids? Whatever. Ehimay was there too. Look! Dah dah dah dah! Here comes the bride!!
Georg goes to whisper to Elolei, who he is unfortunately seated next to, "Isn't this not how weddings in this universe canonically work?" but he is hushed by the groom and his father. Xander looks resplendant in his meat wedding dress. Sebastian is far more tradtionally stylish in his black fur-trimmed robes as he escorts his son down the aisle, depositing him right before Illiam. Or is that Elian? Shit.
The priestess comes to the altar. "Dearly beloved. We were here today to commemorate the wedding of two people that nobody likes. I'm not sure why most of us are here. Does anyone object to this union? Speak now or forever hold your peace."
Ehimay pulls out his guns and points it at the many people who begin to stand up to give their protests. They all sit down. The priestess raises her hands. "Then we shall begin the wedding ceremony. Please come forward, Mr. Ashbur, Xander."
They come forth. "Do you, Xander, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, until the PCs kill you?"
Xander, tears in his eyes, nods. "I do."
"And do you take this Xander to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, until the PCs kill him?"
"I do."
"Then I now pronounce you devil and husband!"
Elian rips out his eye and throws it on the ground. "Tricked you, Xander!" Messel rips the duck tape off the mouth of a sobbing Illiam.
"NO! NO!!!!!" Xander tears off his meat dress to reveal the leotard underneath. "HOW! HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED TO ME!!"
"I can't believe you didn't see this coming!"
"This isn't legally binding! I didn't know that I was marrying you!"
The priestess, who was Maelys the whole time, replies, "Yes, well, I never said you were marrying Illiam."
Elian says, "Now that I'm your lawful husband, I'm the emperor of hell. A lot of things are going to change. Let's go home, hubbie. Naven is going to experience a lot of changes."
Xander goes home, groaning, in the wedding carriage. Everyone else goes to the reception. It is a splendid time until everyone remembers that Sebastian is a wanted terrorist and he is chased from his own son's wedding. Morty gets to swim in the chocolate fountain.
The end!!!
Author's Notes: This is the first sniplet written in an altered mind state. I was tired, and SANS were not cooperating. Therefore, I wrote this story. You'll notice a new tag, showing what AU an AU story is in. I hope you appreciate these tags.
I still find this story mildly amusing. Also, look- it's the only time you'll see me write anyone else's character.
Length: 749 words
Date: November 4th, 2014
Time: 2 in the bleeping morning
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