Sevvie handed a gleaming, bloody baby tooth to Xander. “Look, dads, my very first lost tooth.”
Xander looked worriedly to Illiam. “Wow. Fascinating! Truly an accomplishment! Seva, um, what do you want me to do with this tooth?”
Sevvie dumped the tooth in Xander’s hand, shutting it closed. “Just hold onto it. It’s too gross for me.” Sevvie skipped away and Xander put the tooth hurriedly on a counter. Illiam rolled his eyes.
“Oh, so disecting bodies and performing open-heart surgery is fine, but not holding your daughter’s tooth?”
“It came from her!” whispered Xander loudly. “Um, alright, let me rinse it off, okay, here we-” Xander swore violently as the tooth slipped from his hands and down the drain. “No, tooth, no!”
“Hi dads! I’m back! Where’s my tooth?”
Xander, frozen with panic, said the first thing that came to his mind. “The tooth fairy stole it.”
“She stole it?” questioned Illiam.
“Yes. She took it, Seva, and she did not compensate you for her seizure of your very own lateral incisor. Do you know how much that sort of tooth trades for. Why, easily ten dollars, market value!”
“She’s a thief!” shrieked Sevvie. “My tooth! My tooth!”
“Ten dollars?” questioned Illiam. “Xander, don’t you think that’s a bit pricy for a tooth?”
Xander shook his head. “I do not claim to understand fairyland’s tooth market, I only am able to give you the current prices.”
“How do you know the prices of teeth?” asked Sevvie.
“I have a friend who is a dentist.” said Xander. “They buy their teeth from the tooth fairy and use them to make dentures.”
“What?” questioned Illiam. “Xander, how can baby teeth be used to make dentures?”
“They use their fairy magic to enlarge them. Anyway, Seva, we must hunt down the tooth fairy, and force her to pay you back for your tooth. Put your coat on, and get ready, we are on the hunt!”
Xander looked worriedly to Illiam. “Wow. Fascinating! Truly an accomplishment! Seva, um, what do you want me to do with this tooth?”
Sevvie dumped the tooth in Xander’s hand, shutting it closed. “Just hold onto it. It’s too gross for me.” Sevvie skipped away and Xander put the tooth hurriedly on a counter. Illiam rolled his eyes.
“Oh, so disecting bodies and performing open-heart surgery is fine, but not holding your daughter’s tooth?”
“It came from her!” whispered Xander loudly. “Um, alright, let me rinse it off, okay, here we-” Xander swore violently as the tooth slipped from his hands and down the drain. “No, tooth, no!”
“Hi dads! I’m back! Where’s my tooth?”
Xander, frozen with panic, said the first thing that came to his mind. “The tooth fairy stole it.”
“She stole it?” questioned Illiam.
“Yes. She took it, Seva, and she did not compensate you for her seizure of your very own lateral incisor. Do you know how much that sort of tooth trades for. Why, easily ten dollars, market value!”
“She’s a thief!” shrieked Sevvie. “My tooth! My tooth!”
“Ten dollars?” questioned Illiam. “Xander, don’t you think that’s a bit pricy for a tooth?”
Xander shook his head. “I do not claim to understand fairyland’s tooth market, I only am able to give you the current prices.”
“How do you know the prices of teeth?” asked Sevvie.
“I have a friend who is a dentist.” said Xander. “They buy their teeth from the tooth fairy and use them to make dentures.”
“What?” questioned Illiam. “Xander, how can baby teeth be used to make dentures?”
“They use their fairy magic to enlarge them. Anyway, Seva, we must hunt down the tooth fairy, and force her to pay you back for your tooth. Put your coat on, and get ready, we are on the hunt!”
Sevvie excitedly clapped as they arrived at the local park. “What are we doing here, dad?’
“This is where the portal to the fairy zone is.” said Xander. “Here we shall hunt for clues.”
Sevvie jumped out of the car as soon as it was parked and ran around the park. “Miss Seva!” Sevvie froze as she heard Old Lady Nelson. “Come here, little Seva!”
Sevvie hesitantly walked towards the old lady. “Look who it is, it’s pretty princess Seva. What are you doing here at the park today?”
“We’re hunting down fairies! I lost a tooth, look!”
“You did indeed!” said the elderly woman. “I have lost quite a few of my own in the past few years.” She opened her mouth, showing teeth in various states of decay/nonexistance.
“Anyway, then the tooth was stolen! It was the tooth fairy, she stole the tooth from us and didn’t leave any money!”
“Now, listen here, young lady, when I was your age, the tooth fairy didn’t give us any money, just a peppermint candy. Are you sure she didn’t leave you nothing?”
“My dads said it was so!” protested Sevvie, pointing to Xander. “Xander, tell Old Lady Nelson what you saw!”
“Seva, you should not call people old. It is rude. Ms. Nelson, my daughter’s tooth was plundered by this fairy, I set it down and it was snatched before our very eyes. I should have held onto it better. But now we have been robbed. Ma’am, do you know where my daughter may be able to find a fairy portal? We must track down this thieving fairy and force her to pay Seva what she is owed.”
Old Lady Nelson waved her finger at Sevvie. “Well, most little children now a days can’t see fairies because they don’t believe. But if you really try hard enough, you’ll see that fairy, and then you’ll grab her!”
“Well, thank you for the advice, now, Sevvie, let’s continue on the hunt. Mrs. Nelson, thank you very much.”
Sevvie skipped forward, singing, “A tooth, a tooth, a tooth, a tooth. Not a oneth or a threeth or a fourth, it’s a tooth!”
“The word tooth actually comes from the word tōth.” explained Xander. “It has nothing to do with the number two at all. Why, it actually stems back to-”
“It was just a song, dad. Look!” Sevvie pointed to a tree. It looked just like all the other trees in the park. “That must be the magical fairy portal!”
“It is!” said Xander. “But how do you activate it?”
Illiam rolled his eyes. “We must dance three times around the portal, backwards.”
“Okay, dads! That’s what we’ll do! Let’s grab hands!” Sevvie grabbed her dad’s hands, and they danced around the tree. “TOOTH! TOOTH! TOOTH! TOOTH! TOOTH! TOOTH! TOOTH! TOOTH! TOOTH! TO-”
“Excuse me! Family!” A random man appeared behind a tree. “I don’t suppose you’ve seen anything magical in this park? You see, I’ve checked out a book from the library, and it says that-”
Sevvie kicked the man in the shins. “He must be an employee of the tooth fairy! Get him!”
Illiam opened his mouth. “Young lady, we do not kick random people we find in the pa-” but Xander tackled the man.
“You shall give us back our daughter’s tooth!” Illiam was afraid that Xander was taking this way too far, but was astonished when the man pointed to the road.
“This portal is down for maintance... you must go to the one up the road…. hurry!”
“Dads, let’s go!”
“This is where the portal to the fairy zone is.” said Xander. “Here we shall hunt for clues.”
Sevvie jumped out of the car as soon as it was parked and ran around the park. “Miss Seva!” Sevvie froze as she heard Old Lady Nelson. “Come here, little Seva!”
Sevvie hesitantly walked towards the old lady. “Look who it is, it’s pretty princess Seva. What are you doing here at the park today?”
“We’re hunting down fairies! I lost a tooth, look!”
“You did indeed!” said the elderly woman. “I have lost quite a few of my own in the past few years.” She opened her mouth, showing teeth in various states of decay/nonexistance.
“Anyway, then the tooth was stolen! It was the tooth fairy, she stole the tooth from us and didn’t leave any money!”
“Now, listen here, young lady, when I was your age, the tooth fairy didn’t give us any money, just a peppermint candy. Are you sure she didn’t leave you nothing?”
“My dads said it was so!” protested Sevvie, pointing to Xander. “Xander, tell Old Lady Nelson what you saw!”
“Seva, you should not call people old. It is rude. Ms. Nelson, my daughter’s tooth was plundered by this fairy, I set it down and it was snatched before our very eyes. I should have held onto it better. But now we have been robbed. Ma’am, do you know where my daughter may be able to find a fairy portal? We must track down this thieving fairy and force her to pay Seva what she is owed.”
Old Lady Nelson waved her finger at Sevvie. “Well, most little children now a days can’t see fairies because they don’t believe. But if you really try hard enough, you’ll see that fairy, and then you’ll grab her!”
“Well, thank you for the advice, now, Sevvie, let’s continue on the hunt. Mrs. Nelson, thank you very much.”
Sevvie skipped forward, singing, “A tooth, a tooth, a tooth, a tooth. Not a oneth or a threeth or a fourth, it’s a tooth!”
“The word tooth actually comes from the word tōth.” explained Xander. “It has nothing to do with the number two at all. Why, it actually stems back to-”
“It was just a song, dad. Look!” Sevvie pointed to a tree. It looked just like all the other trees in the park. “That must be the magical fairy portal!”
“It is!” said Xander. “But how do you activate it?”
Illiam rolled his eyes. “We must dance three times around the portal, backwards.”
“Okay, dads! That’s what we’ll do! Let’s grab hands!” Sevvie grabbed her dad’s hands, and they danced around the tree. “TOOTH! TOOTH! TOOTH! TOOTH! TOOTH! TOOTH! TOOTH! TOOTH! TOOTH! TO-”
“Excuse me! Family!” A random man appeared behind a tree. “I don’t suppose you’ve seen anything magical in this park? You see, I’ve checked out a book from the library, and it says that-”
Sevvie kicked the man in the shins. “He must be an employee of the tooth fairy! Get him!”
Illiam opened his mouth. “Young lady, we do not kick random people we find in the pa-” but Xander tackled the man.
“You shall give us back our daughter’s tooth!” Illiam was afraid that Xander was taking this way too far, but was astonished when the man pointed to the road.
“This portal is down for maintance... you must go to the one up the road…. hurry!”
“Dads, let’s go!”
Illiam and Xander chased Sevvie across the road and into the clearing. “Look! That must be the portal. But where’s the tooth fairy?”
“I hope she did not already escape with your tooth.” said Xander. “Then we would have to report her to the tooth fairy commission.”
“The tooth fairy commision?” asked Sevvie.
“Yes. We would have to write a complaint letter.”
Illiam rolled his eyes. This magical adventure was ending with a complaint letter?
“That’s just what we’ll have to do! I’ll use my best handwriting!”
“And I shall counsul you on precisely what to write, as my father consuled me. Anyway, Seva, why don’t we go to the store and get a new toothbrush for you? You’re a big girl now, and big girls have stronger, healthier teeth. Soon a new tooth will grow.”
“And if the tooth fairy steals that one, we’ll catch her in a cage, and boil her!”
“Seva, if you lose your permanent teeth we have much bigger worries. Oh, like the time I tried to shave mine when I was a youth.”
“You tried to do what?” asked Illiam.
“That is a tale for another day. Anyway, let us buy the toothbrush, and then go home, because I just realized that Jiro is there by himself and probably has no idea where we are. Then we shall write the complaint letter, and see their response….”
“I hope she did not already escape with your tooth.” said Xander. “Then we would have to report her to the tooth fairy commission.”
“The tooth fairy commision?” asked Sevvie.
“Yes. We would have to write a complaint letter.”
Illiam rolled his eyes. This magical adventure was ending with a complaint letter?
“That’s just what we’ll have to do! I’ll use my best handwriting!”
“And I shall counsul you on precisely what to write, as my father consuled me. Anyway, Seva, why don’t we go to the store and get a new toothbrush for you? You’re a big girl now, and big girls have stronger, healthier teeth. Soon a new tooth will grow.”
“And if the tooth fairy steals that one, we’ll catch her in a cage, and boil her!”
“Seva, if you lose your permanent teeth we have much bigger worries. Oh, like the time I tried to shave mine when I was a youth.”
“You tried to do what?” asked Illiam.
“That is a tale for another day. Anyway, let us buy the toothbrush, and then go home, because I just realized that Jiro is there by himself and probably has no idea where we are. Then we shall write the complaint letter, and see their response….”
Author's Notes:
This is the opposite of Report Card. Short, sweet, to the point, and certainly not unrealistic. Xander is a bit ridiculous, and he texted the guy who they met in the forest to make the whole thing seem more realistic, but he's a dad who will do wacky things for his kids. So is Illiam, by the way, though his wacky things are less wacky.
Though I call it the opposite of Report Card which is high octane awful, I would give it a B at best.
Length: 1148 words
Date: March 24th, 2015
Note: I guess it's not as short as I thought. Hm.
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