It was time for the day that most children dread and fear. The day that would determine their fate. The day.... of the report card.
Sitting in his seat in the second row in Ms. Prib's class, Jiro sighed and looked out the window, wishing the day would end. "Pay attention, Jiro!" said Ms. Prib, bringing her hand down on Jiro's desk. "Pay attention, all of you children! I am going to pass out your report cards. Remove the bottom section and have it signed by your parents. If you do not return it to me tomorrow, there will be severe consequences. You may even have to go into the bad zone, or stand on your desk during class. Now, children, come when I call your name. Ashbur-Nesline, Jiro."
Jiro went up to recieve his report card. As he went back to his seat he heard one of his fellow students, Mike whisper, "I bet you got all Ds, loser. Bet your parents gonna beat you good when you show them."
"No way." said Jim Rayman. "His two dads are just going to say he's their perfect little angel who can do no wrong. Perfect little angel with his D's."
"Children, please, settle down." said Ms. Prib. "I am still calling out names. Dadorf, Mellisa..."
Jiro didn't dare to open the report card. He was too afraid of what was inside. But he had to know. He had to. Slowly, Jiro opened the report card and gasped. NO!
Jiro turned beet red and put his head on his desk as some of the other boys laughed. Ms. Prib finally finished reading off the children's names. "All children, look at me! If you have gotten bad grades it is a result of your own actions! Remember, your elementary school grades are more important than ever. If you continue to do poorly in elementary school, you may be placed into a school for deliquents for middle school, and even high school. You will never get a good job, and will have to live in a van, like my son, Joshua. Truly it shall be a terrible time. Anyway, students, the bell is about to ring, pack up your things to go!"
Jiro met up with Sevvie in the hall, who was beaming as brightly as the sun. "Hey Jiro! You wanna see my grades!"
"No." said Jiro, shaking his head, but Sevvie showed him her grades anyway. All As, except for a B- but the notes "Really Improving!" in Handwriting and a B and "Much better this term" in Socialization.
"Aren't these great grades? Don't you think the dads will be really pleased? What did you get, Jiro~"
Jiro shook his head. "I don't want to talk about it."
"OOOOh, did you get an F? It's okay, we're just in elementary school. Lot of time for improvement. Maybe you'll be like me, I did a lot better this year than last year. It's kind of because of Girl Scouts, oh, and my tablet. Maybe they can put you in a boy version of Girl Scouts, and also get you a tablet."
"Ms Prib said she would never allow a tablet in her classroom, "IEP be damned"." said Jiro with a sigh. "And Dad #1 has kind of a weird thing about the Boy Scouts."
Sevvie laughed at the bad word. "Aww, that's too bad. You should be in my class. It's cool. I get to hang out with Cadis. Cadis is cool. You and him could be friends. We play chess together during Free Time."
"You guys still have Free Time? I thought Ms. Prib said Free Time was removed for being "A Waste of Every Student's Time"."
"No, Free Time is really cool, Mr. Laris says it helps us learn and stuff. You should be in my class with Mr. Laris. You could handle my grade, Jiro. You're ready for the challenge of four digit numbers and fractions."
"I really am." said Jiro. "But will our dads still think so after they see this?"
Sitting in his seat in the second row in Ms. Prib's class, Jiro sighed and looked out the window, wishing the day would end. "Pay attention, Jiro!" said Ms. Prib, bringing her hand down on Jiro's desk. "Pay attention, all of you children! I am going to pass out your report cards. Remove the bottom section and have it signed by your parents. If you do not return it to me tomorrow, there will be severe consequences. You may even have to go into the bad zone, or stand on your desk during class. Now, children, come when I call your name. Ashbur-Nesline, Jiro."
Jiro went up to recieve his report card. As he went back to his seat he heard one of his fellow students, Mike whisper, "I bet you got all Ds, loser. Bet your parents gonna beat you good when you show them."
"No way." said Jim Rayman. "His two dads are just going to say he's their perfect little angel who can do no wrong. Perfect little angel with his D's."
"Children, please, settle down." said Ms. Prib. "I am still calling out names. Dadorf, Mellisa..."
Jiro didn't dare to open the report card. He was too afraid of what was inside. But he had to know. He had to. Slowly, Jiro opened the report card and gasped. NO!
Jiro turned beet red and put his head on his desk as some of the other boys laughed. Ms. Prib finally finished reading off the children's names. "All children, look at me! If you have gotten bad grades it is a result of your own actions! Remember, your elementary school grades are more important than ever. If you continue to do poorly in elementary school, you may be placed into a school for deliquents for middle school, and even high school. You will never get a good job, and will have to live in a van, like my son, Joshua. Truly it shall be a terrible time. Anyway, students, the bell is about to ring, pack up your things to go!"
Jiro met up with Sevvie in the hall, who was beaming as brightly as the sun. "Hey Jiro! You wanna see my grades!"
"No." said Jiro, shaking his head, but Sevvie showed him her grades anyway. All As, except for a B- but the notes "Really Improving!" in Handwriting and a B and "Much better this term" in Socialization.
"Aren't these great grades? Don't you think the dads will be really pleased? What did you get, Jiro~"
Jiro shook his head. "I don't want to talk about it."
"OOOOh, did you get an F? It's okay, we're just in elementary school. Lot of time for improvement. Maybe you'll be like me, I did a lot better this year than last year. It's kind of because of Girl Scouts, oh, and my tablet. Maybe they can put you in a boy version of Girl Scouts, and also get you a tablet."
"Ms Prib said she would never allow a tablet in her classroom, "IEP be damned"." said Jiro with a sigh. "And Dad #1 has kind of a weird thing about the Boy Scouts."
Sevvie laughed at the bad word. "Aww, that's too bad. You should be in my class. It's cool. I get to hang out with Cadis. Cadis is cool. You and him could be friends. We play chess together during Free Time."
"You guys still have Free Time? I thought Ms. Prib said Free Time was removed for being "A Waste of Every Student's Time"."
"No, Free Time is really cool, Mr. Laris says it helps us learn and stuff. You should be in my class with Mr. Laris. You could handle my grade, Jiro. You're ready for the challenge of four digit numbers and fractions."
"I really am." said Jiro. "But will our dads still think so after they see this?"
Illiam and Xander sat at the dinner table, Jiro and Sevvie across from them. "Well, children, we were told that a very special thing has happened today."
"What?" said Xander. "Who had a baby?!"
"Xander, no! The kids got their report card."
"Oh. Report cards. Those are... less exciting, but also very important. Let us see them, children!"
Sevvie handed the dads her report card. "Mr Laris says to sign the bottom part and give it to him, and call him if you have questions. He said he was really proud of me this semester. I'm doing really well!"
"Oh, Sevvie, this is a wonderful report card." said Illiam.
"Almost perfect." said Xander, and Illiam elbowed him. "Not that we can attain true perfection. This is incredibly good. We are extremely proud of you."
"Extremely! Sevvie, that is wonderful. We knew you could do it. And if you need us to help us with anything, let us know. Alright, Jiro! Let's see your report card."
Jiro looked at his dads, realizing he couldn't give them the report card. "Um, I ate it!"
"You ate it?" asked Illiam.
"Usually the dog eats it." commented Xander. "Son, you have attained a new level of excuse."
"Alright, that was a lie! But... you can just sign the slip. It's really.... um...."
Sevvie snatched the report card from Jiro and gave it to Illiam. "Here dads! Here's Jiro's report card! Try not to be too mad at him!"
Illiam and Xander looked over the report card, and Illiam's face twitched, slightly. Xander looked as if he was trying not to be upset. "Alright, Jiro. We clearly have to discuss this report card in detail."
"Great detail." said Xander. "There are too many Fs."
"Okay, there are only two!!" said Jiro.
"That's two too many. Okay, Jiro, let's go over our problem topics, 1 by 1. Language Arts. You got a C. Can you explain why?"
Jiro frowned. "Well, I got zeros on all my assignments the week I was suspended, Ms. Prib didn't let me make it up, and I got a 0 on the "My Mother and Me" assignment."
"Why did you obtain a zero on this assignment?" asked Xander.
"Dad, please look at yourself, and then at my other dad."
Xander blinked. "I suppose that's a fair point. But does that really make a C?"
"She's really big on Mothers. We had to that assignment, a "Christmas Poem for My Mother" which I also had trouble with because I don't really understand the point of Christmas, and whenever we read a story about mothers in class we had to answer a bunch of questions, one of which was usually something like "compare the mother in the story with your mother", and I always wrote something down like "Unlike my mother, the mother in the story exists."" Jiro frowned. "Once she made all the kids who had unsatisfactory answers come to the front of the class to read their answers and everyone laughed at me because the mother in the story was just a fictional character, and therefore the correct answer was, "Unlike the mother in the story, my mother actually exists.""
Xander looked to Illiam. "Which of us is the mother?"
Illiam pinched his nose with two fingers and sighed. "Alright, Jiro. Then let's talk about your Listening and Speaking skills."
Jiro shook his head. "I just get distracted really easily in class. I know it's bad."
Illiam looked to Xander. "Then maybe we have to look at getting you checked for ADHD, or I dunno, taking you to a coach or something. Sevvie, you got better grades in this, what did you do?"
Sevvie shrugged. "I like my tablet. When things are getting boring, I can look like I'm taking notes when I'm really reading a book."
"Oh, yes, um, sometimes I read books during class."
Sevvie gave Jiro a high five. "Ha! We're like twins, but we're only siblings!"
"Well, Jiro, you need to stop doing that. I know you love to read, but you can't do it in class. You too, Sevvie!" said Illiam. Sevvie made a pouty face. "What about speaking?"
Jiro shook his head. "Ms. Prib encourages the kids to criticize the person who is talking, and the kids like to criticize me... a lot.... She says it'll make us more tough, "not like those rotten trophy-loving millennials", but it just makes me.... not want to talk."
Illiam looked at the report cards. "You know, it sounds like a lot of these problems are with your teacher."
"Gee, you think?" mumbled Jiro.
"Alright, Jiro, what about Socialization. That's another F."
"I don't talk to anyone during recess because I don't have anyone to play with or anyone during lunch, because the kids in my class are jerks. And I don't have any friends in my class, and I got 0 votes in the "Best Friend" contest, and everyone else got at least one."
"What is the Best Friends contest?"
"Everyone had three votes that they could cast for a student who they thought was a good friend in the class. Laura Limer won. I got zero."
Illiam and Xander looked at each other nervously. Finally, Sevvie broke the silence.
"That sounds illegal! Okay, Jiro, what's the next one?"
"Well, I got a Needs Improvement in gym, of course, and a C- in Handwriting. Dads, have you ever met an autistic person with good handwriting?"
Illiam had doctor handwriting, so he nodded. But Xander did not seem convinced. "Jiro, this is a terrible report card. The average grade on it is a D+. Or a C-. Jiro, I shall tell you a tale. When I was in eleventh grade, the semester before my senior year I got a single C, in my mathematics class. How I wept! Oh, how I wept! I was so disapointed with myself. I knew I could not get into an Ivy League with that C. So I ran away from home. I sold my golden watch and fillings for money, and slept inside of bridges."
"Inside of them?" asked Jiro.
"Do not interrupt my story, son. By the way, it is 100% real. Eventually, I joined a gang, and we traveled across the country. I used my money to buy drugs, and other inadvisable things. A year later, I was found. I had to go into rehab for six months. I went back to school and graduated with a 3.9 GPA. OH! How devastating it was! Jiro, that C could have ruined my life. It certainly lost me a year of my life and my perfect 4.0 GPA. This GPA could damage your life, as well! 1.78. How wretched it is!"
Jiro started sobbing, and ran out of the room. Sevvie blinked, and Illiam practically leaped out of his chair. "What the hell, Xander? Weren't you listening to Jiro's explanation?"
"Mostly I was planning how I should tell my own tale of woe."
Illiam gritted his teeth. "Xander. You know what your story means?"
"What does it truly mean, Illiam?"
"I want you to look around this house. I want you to look at me. And I want you to look at Sevvie. What do you see?"
"The.... the things you just described?"
"YOU HAVE A GOOD LIFE! AND YOU DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL TO JOIN A GANG AT AGE 17! Jiro is- Jiro is young! He can afford to fuck up! And it wasn't even his fault! I'm- I'm going to go get Jiro! You think about what you've done."
Illiam ran off to find Jiro, and Xander looked at Sevvie. "Sevvie," whispered Xander loudly. "For when your father comes back, tell me what did I do wrong?"
Sevvie sighed and leaned back in her chair. "You're going to have to figure that out yourself, dad."
"What?" said Xander. "Who had a baby?!"
"Xander, no! The kids got their report card."
"Oh. Report cards. Those are... less exciting, but also very important. Let us see them, children!"
Sevvie handed the dads her report card. "Mr Laris says to sign the bottom part and give it to him, and call him if you have questions. He said he was really proud of me this semester. I'm doing really well!"
"Oh, Sevvie, this is a wonderful report card." said Illiam.
"Almost perfect." said Xander, and Illiam elbowed him. "Not that we can attain true perfection. This is incredibly good. We are extremely proud of you."
"Extremely! Sevvie, that is wonderful. We knew you could do it. And if you need us to help us with anything, let us know. Alright, Jiro! Let's see your report card."
Jiro looked at his dads, realizing he couldn't give them the report card. "Um, I ate it!"
"You ate it?" asked Illiam.
"Usually the dog eats it." commented Xander. "Son, you have attained a new level of excuse."
"Alright, that was a lie! But... you can just sign the slip. It's really.... um...."
Sevvie snatched the report card from Jiro and gave it to Illiam. "Here dads! Here's Jiro's report card! Try not to be too mad at him!"
Illiam and Xander looked over the report card, and Illiam's face twitched, slightly. Xander looked as if he was trying not to be upset. "Alright, Jiro. We clearly have to discuss this report card in detail."
"Great detail." said Xander. "There are too many Fs."
"Okay, there are only two!!" said Jiro.
"That's two too many. Okay, Jiro, let's go over our problem topics, 1 by 1. Language Arts. You got a C. Can you explain why?"
Jiro frowned. "Well, I got zeros on all my assignments the week I was suspended, Ms. Prib didn't let me make it up, and I got a 0 on the "My Mother and Me" assignment."
"Why did you obtain a zero on this assignment?" asked Xander.
"Dad, please look at yourself, and then at my other dad."
Xander blinked. "I suppose that's a fair point. But does that really make a C?"
"She's really big on Mothers. We had to that assignment, a "Christmas Poem for My Mother" which I also had trouble with because I don't really understand the point of Christmas, and whenever we read a story about mothers in class we had to answer a bunch of questions, one of which was usually something like "compare the mother in the story with your mother", and I always wrote something down like "Unlike my mother, the mother in the story exists."" Jiro frowned. "Once she made all the kids who had unsatisfactory answers come to the front of the class to read their answers and everyone laughed at me because the mother in the story was just a fictional character, and therefore the correct answer was, "Unlike the mother in the story, my mother actually exists.""
Xander looked to Illiam. "Which of us is the mother?"
Illiam pinched his nose with two fingers and sighed. "Alright, Jiro. Then let's talk about your Listening and Speaking skills."
Jiro shook his head. "I just get distracted really easily in class. I know it's bad."
Illiam looked to Xander. "Then maybe we have to look at getting you checked for ADHD, or I dunno, taking you to a coach or something. Sevvie, you got better grades in this, what did you do?"
Sevvie shrugged. "I like my tablet. When things are getting boring, I can look like I'm taking notes when I'm really reading a book."
"Oh, yes, um, sometimes I read books during class."
Sevvie gave Jiro a high five. "Ha! We're like twins, but we're only siblings!"
"Well, Jiro, you need to stop doing that. I know you love to read, but you can't do it in class. You too, Sevvie!" said Illiam. Sevvie made a pouty face. "What about speaking?"
Jiro shook his head. "Ms. Prib encourages the kids to criticize the person who is talking, and the kids like to criticize me... a lot.... She says it'll make us more tough, "not like those rotten trophy-loving millennials", but it just makes me.... not want to talk."
Illiam looked at the report cards. "You know, it sounds like a lot of these problems are with your teacher."
"Gee, you think?" mumbled Jiro.
"Alright, Jiro, what about Socialization. That's another F."
"I don't talk to anyone during recess because I don't have anyone to play with or anyone during lunch, because the kids in my class are jerks. And I don't have any friends in my class, and I got 0 votes in the "Best Friend" contest, and everyone else got at least one."
"What is the Best Friends contest?"
"Everyone had three votes that they could cast for a student who they thought was a good friend in the class. Laura Limer won. I got zero."
Illiam and Xander looked at each other nervously. Finally, Sevvie broke the silence.
"That sounds illegal! Okay, Jiro, what's the next one?"
"Well, I got a Needs Improvement in gym, of course, and a C- in Handwriting. Dads, have you ever met an autistic person with good handwriting?"
Illiam had doctor handwriting, so he nodded. But Xander did not seem convinced. "Jiro, this is a terrible report card. The average grade on it is a D+. Or a C-. Jiro, I shall tell you a tale. When I was in eleventh grade, the semester before my senior year I got a single C, in my mathematics class. How I wept! Oh, how I wept! I was so disapointed with myself. I knew I could not get into an Ivy League with that C. So I ran away from home. I sold my golden watch and fillings for money, and slept inside of bridges."
"Inside of them?" asked Jiro.
"Do not interrupt my story, son. By the way, it is 100% real. Eventually, I joined a gang, and we traveled across the country. I used my money to buy drugs, and other inadvisable things. A year later, I was found. I had to go into rehab for six months. I went back to school and graduated with a 3.9 GPA. OH! How devastating it was! Jiro, that C could have ruined my life. It certainly lost me a year of my life and my perfect 4.0 GPA. This GPA could damage your life, as well! 1.78. How wretched it is!"
Jiro started sobbing, and ran out of the room. Sevvie blinked, and Illiam practically leaped out of his chair. "What the hell, Xander? Weren't you listening to Jiro's explanation?"
"Mostly I was planning how I should tell my own tale of woe."
Illiam gritted his teeth. "Xander. You know what your story means?"
"What does it truly mean, Illiam?"
"I want you to look around this house. I want you to look at me. And I want you to look at Sevvie. What do you see?"
"The.... the things you just described?"
"YOU HAVE A GOOD LIFE! AND YOU DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL TO JOIN A GANG AT AGE 17! Jiro is- Jiro is young! He can afford to fuck up! And it wasn't even his fault! I'm- I'm going to go get Jiro! You think about what you've done."
Illiam ran off to find Jiro, and Xander looked at Sevvie. "Sevvie," whispered Xander loudly. "For when your father comes back, tell me what did I do wrong?"
Sevvie sighed and leaned back in her chair. "You're going to have to figure that out yourself, dad."
Sevvie cheered as Jiro came back in the room, looking glum. "Son, I am sorry... for...." Xander paused. What was he sorry for? "Telling boring stories?"
"What about implying that his life will be ruined by one bad report card?"
"OH! Um, yes. I apologize for that. I am a bad parent. Send me to the bad parent zone."
Illiam sighed. This was the best he was going to get from Xander. "Jiro, here's what we're going to do. Tomorrow we're going to go to school, and talk to the principal."
"Yeah, because that worked so well the last few times." muttered Jiro.
"I agree with Jiro! You need to use some high octane witchcraft on this one!" said Sevvie. "Do something more powerful!"
Illiam tapped his chin. "Well.... hm... I suppose we could so something else."
"I have an idea." said Jiro.
"What about implying that his life will be ruined by one bad report card?"
"OH! Um, yes. I apologize for that. I am a bad parent. Send me to the bad parent zone."
Illiam sighed. This was the best he was going to get from Xander. "Jiro, here's what we're going to do. Tomorrow we're going to go to school, and talk to the principal."
"Yeah, because that worked so well the last few times." muttered Jiro.
"I agree with Jiro! You need to use some high octane witchcraft on this one!" said Sevvie. "Do something more powerful!"
Illiam tapped his chin. "Well.... hm... I suppose we could so something else."
"I have an idea." said Jiro.
Jiro handed in his report card signature. "Here you go, Ms. Prib."
"I hope your 'Fathers' discussed the serious consequences your terrible report card will have with you."
"They did." said Jiro. "They're really concerened about it." Jiro then sat back down, waiting for class to begin.
"Hey. Hey, loser, did your dads tell you they would accept you just as you were, their little failure angel?"
Jiro shook his head. "My one dad got really mad at me. But we're going to work on me getting better grades."
Mike elbowed Jiro against the wall. "I hope he gave you a spanking! My dad did. And I got way better grades than you."
Jiro just ignored the other students. Ms Prib came to the front of the class. "Alright, students, it's time for a math timed test. Pass out these tests, and begin them when I blow the Math Whistle. Pencils to the paper- 3-2-1! GO!"
The students frantically went to the test, attempting to solve the math problems. Once a minute was up, Ms Prib blew the Math Whistle again. However, one student, Alyssie, kept at it. "Alyssie! The time is up!" yelled Ms. Prib, snatching the test from the student.
"But... my parents said I could have more time on my tests... it's in my...." Alyssie's voice whispered something to Ms. Prib, who laughed.
"Your IEP? I don't believe in special students! Just lazy and stupid students!" Ms. Prib ripped Alyssie's math test in half. "You will recieve an F for this. Go to the Bad Student zone!"
Alyssie, crying, ran to the Bad Student Zone, Jiro felt bad for her. Alyssie had been in the bad student zone way more times than Jiro that year. Maybe they could have been friends, if she hadn't humiliated Jiro like all the rest of the class. "Alright, class, for cheating on a test, claiming to be special, and crying, how many minutes should Alyssie be in the bad student zone?!" asked Ms. Prib.
Laura Limer raised her hand. "Three hours! That's an hour for each consequence."
"But what if I need to put someone else like Jiro in the bad student zone, later?" asked Ms. Prib.
"Then he can sit on the floor in the bad student zone."
"I suppose that makes sense. Anyway, students, please give your tests to each other, we will be grading each others. Please note any mistakes your partner has made out loud to the class..."
"I hope your 'Fathers' discussed the serious consequences your terrible report card will have with you."
"They did." said Jiro. "They're really concerened about it." Jiro then sat back down, waiting for class to begin.
"Hey. Hey, loser, did your dads tell you they would accept you just as you were, their little failure angel?"
Jiro shook his head. "My one dad got really mad at me. But we're going to work on me getting better grades."
Mike elbowed Jiro against the wall. "I hope he gave you a spanking! My dad did. And I got way better grades than you."
Jiro just ignored the other students. Ms Prib came to the front of the class. "Alright, students, it's time for a math timed test. Pass out these tests, and begin them when I blow the Math Whistle. Pencils to the paper- 3-2-1! GO!"
The students frantically went to the test, attempting to solve the math problems. Once a minute was up, Ms Prib blew the Math Whistle again. However, one student, Alyssie, kept at it. "Alyssie! The time is up!" yelled Ms. Prib, snatching the test from the student.
"But... my parents said I could have more time on my tests... it's in my...." Alyssie's voice whispered something to Ms. Prib, who laughed.
"Your IEP? I don't believe in special students! Just lazy and stupid students!" Ms. Prib ripped Alyssie's math test in half. "You will recieve an F for this. Go to the Bad Student zone!"
Alyssie, crying, ran to the Bad Student Zone, Jiro felt bad for her. Alyssie had been in the bad student zone way more times than Jiro that year. Maybe they could have been friends, if she hadn't humiliated Jiro like all the rest of the class. "Alright, class, for cheating on a test, claiming to be special, and crying, how many minutes should Alyssie be in the bad student zone?!" asked Ms. Prib.
Laura Limer raised her hand. "Three hours! That's an hour for each consequence."
"But what if I need to put someone else like Jiro in the bad student zone, later?" asked Ms. Prib.
"Then he can sit on the floor in the bad student zone."
"I suppose that makes sense. Anyway, students, please give your tests to each other, we will be grading each others. Please note any mistakes your partner has made out loud to the class..."
Jiro's day at school was a regular day. After the corrections in math, the students read a story about a little boy and his pet dog, who could fly, and had to write their own poem about a dog. Jiro wasn't good at rhyming, but having his partner comedically misinterpet his handwritting was just insult to injury. Ms. Prib, as always, went around, making fun of the students with bad handwriting and praising those with good handwriting. After that was gym. Jiro was worried when changing for gym, but managed to change successfully, and tried to run the mile with all the other students. He only ran a half mile before the allotted time was up, and was not given a popsicle. After that was done, it was time for lunch. Jiro listened to his classmates make fun of his lunch for the umpteenth time (a small gyro in a bag, as well as hummus, pita, chips, and a purple drink in his thermos) and then it was time for recess. Jiro waved hi to Sevvie and Cadis as they left recess and came in for lunch.
Jiro tried to sit on the playground with his book, but a playground monitor approached him. "Jiro, honey, you need to go play with the other children. We keep telling you that."
"But the other children are mean to me." said Jiro.
"Well honey, that's life. You've got to learn what it's like to have people be mean to you, because in real life you can't sit on the sidelines and read a book."
Jiro was pretty sure that was a thing he could do in real life, but wandered off to where the other children were. "HEY! JIRO!" Jiro turned around to see where Jim Rayman and the others were, on the life-sized tire boat. "JIRO! We're going to ram into you with our boat. VROOM!"
Jiro rolled his eyes. "The boat doesn't move."
One of Jim's friends jumped off the boat and pushed Jiro to the ground. "And that's how the boat that doesn't move rams ya! Yeah!"
Jiro picked himself up off the ground. "I don't understand why you have to be rude to me. Is it actually fun? Or does it just make you feel better about yourself?"
Jim's eyes darkened. "What? Do you think I'm a complex character with a background, like the stories we read in Ms. Prib's class? That I bully you because I'm abused or my dad doesn't pay attention to me or something? I bully you because it's fun. I like the fact that I'm never going to get in trouble for it. And you know what? My dad is proud of the fact I bully you. He says that I'm teaching you how things are in the real world."
"In the real world are there people who go around with the sole purpose of teaching people of how things are in the real world?" questioned Jiro. Jim punched him in the face.
Jiro tried to sit on the playground with his book, but a playground monitor approached him. "Jiro, honey, you need to go play with the other children. We keep telling you that."
"But the other children are mean to me." said Jiro.
"Well honey, that's life. You've got to learn what it's like to have people be mean to you, because in real life you can't sit on the sidelines and read a book."
Jiro was pretty sure that was a thing he could do in real life, but wandered off to where the other children were. "HEY! JIRO!" Jiro turned around to see where Jim Rayman and the others were, on the life-sized tire boat. "JIRO! We're going to ram into you with our boat. VROOM!"
Jiro rolled his eyes. "The boat doesn't move."
One of Jim's friends jumped off the boat and pushed Jiro to the ground. "And that's how the boat that doesn't move rams ya! Yeah!"
Jiro picked himself up off the ground. "I don't understand why you have to be rude to me. Is it actually fun? Or does it just make you feel better about yourself?"
Jim's eyes darkened. "What? Do you think I'm a complex character with a background, like the stories we read in Ms. Prib's class? That I bully you because I'm abused or my dad doesn't pay attention to me or something? I bully you because it's fun. I like the fact that I'm never going to get in trouble for it. And you know what? My dad is proud of the fact I bully you. He says that I'm teaching you how things are in the real world."
"In the real world are there people who go around with the sole purpose of teaching people of how things are in the real world?" questioned Jiro. Jim punched him in the face.
"Jiro fell off the swings." said Nora, innocent faced. "We tried to help him up."
Jiro picked woodchips out of his face. "Actually, Jim Rayman punched me."
"Jiro, why would you make Nora look like a liar?" said the playground monitor. "Come on, let's get you inside, you need an ice pack." Jiro got to sit in the nurse's office with the ice pack for a blessed fifteen minutes before having to go back to class.
"Look who's late to class! It's Jiro!" exclaimed Ms. Prib. "Why are you late to class, Jiro?"
"I got punched. Or maybe I fell." Jiro went to sit down at his desk before Ms. Prib snatched the ice pack away from him and threw it in the trash.
"Go into the Bad Student zone. That is where you shall spend the rest of the day."
Jiro sighed and moved into the Bad Student Zone. "Okay."
"Now, students, we shall learn about frogs." Ms Prib pulled down the slide projector screen and put the projector on the desk. "The life of a frog begins when the egg is laid. Students, how do you think a frog egg is laid?"
A student raised her hand. "Is it when a mommy frog and a daddy frog love each other very much?"
"Animals cannot experience love, foolish girl! But yes, like any creature in nature, a mother and father are both needed. Jiro, why is your hand up? What do you have to say to add to this topic?"
"People don't have to have both a mother and a father, and a lot of animals don't have them. Like whiptail lizards, and bees. The Queen Bee will-"
"Bees are not creatures, they are insects, and we are not talking about lizards, we are talking about frogs. Emily, why is your hand raised again."
"What's the different between a frog and a lizard, Ms. Prib?"
Ms. Prib sighed. "Foolish child, they are very different animals. Frogs are amphibians. which are just as related to lizards as mice!"
"But they're both nasty and gross." said Emily. "And they're slithery, and have four- AAH!"
Ms. Prib deposited a frog on Emily's head. "Is this gross? NO! It is a living thing!"
"GET THE FROG OFF MY HEAD!" screamed Emily. "HELP!"
"Now, children, after we learn about the life cycle of the frog, we will be performing our very own frog disection. So be prepared to cut these froggers open!" The frogs ribbetted in their glass terrarium, unaware of their fate. "Now, the next phase of the frog life style is hatching...."
Jiro picked woodchips out of his face. "Actually, Jim Rayman punched me."
"Jiro, why would you make Nora look like a liar?" said the playground monitor. "Come on, let's get you inside, you need an ice pack." Jiro got to sit in the nurse's office with the ice pack for a blessed fifteen minutes before having to go back to class.
"Look who's late to class! It's Jiro!" exclaimed Ms. Prib. "Why are you late to class, Jiro?"
"I got punched. Or maybe I fell." Jiro went to sit down at his desk before Ms. Prib snatched the ice pack away from him and threw it in the trash.
"Go into the Bad Student zone. That is where you shall spend the rest of the day."
Jiro sighed and moved into the Bad Student Zone. "Okay."
"Now, students, we shall learn about frogs." Ms Prib pulled down the slide projector screen and put the projector on the desk. "The life of a frog begins when the egg is laid. Students, how do you think a frog egg is laid?"
A student raised her hand. "Is it when a mommy frog and a daddy frog love each other very much?"
"Animals cannot experience love, foolish girl! But yes, like any creature in nature, a mother and father are both needed. Jiro, why is your hand up? What do you have to say to add to this topic?"
"People don't have to have both a mother and a father, and a lot of animals don't have them. Like whiptail lizards, and bees. The Queen Bee will-"
"Bees are not creatures, they are insects, and we are not talking about lizards, we are talking about frogs. Emily, why is your hand raised again."
"What's the different between a frog and a lizard, Ms. Prib?"
Ms. Prib sighed. "Foolish child, they are very different animals. Frogs are amphibians. which are just as related to lizards as mice!"
"But they're both nasty and gross." said Emily. "And they're slithery, and have four- AAH!"
Ms. Prib deposited a frog on Emily's head. "Is this gross? NO! It is a living thing!"
"GET THE FROG OFF MY HEAD!" screamed Emily. "HELP!"
"Now, children, after we learn about the life cycle of the frog, we will be performing our very own frog disection. So be prepared to cut these froggers open!" The frogs ribbetted in their glass terrarium, unaware of their fate. "Now, the next phase of the frog life style is hatching...."
Ms. Prib handed out a frog, gloves, and a knife to every student. "Now children, be careful with the knives! We don't want any of you cutting off any fingers or toes and suing the school, that was a joke. Now, before we slice, let's look at the diagram, we must know what we are looking for."
Emily began to cry. "It's gross, but cute! I don't want to kill Mr. Froggy." Many of the other students also objected, but Ms Prib silenced them.
"They are just frogs! Now, take your knives, and-"
The door slammed open, and Sevvie was there, the rest of her class and her teacher following her. "We're here to save the Froggies!" And before Ms. Prib could react, the students leaped into action, picking up the frogs from the students. Many of the students in the class helped evacuate the frogs, and Jiro handed Sevvie his own frog, who he had mentally named Jeremy Fisher.
"This is ridiculous!" screamed Ms. Prib. "Mr. Laris, your students have invaded my classroom!"
"I know." said Mr. Laris, laughing. "Isn't it just wonderful? The students are learning about democracy, and the value of living things. Isn't everything such a learning opportunity?"
"This isn't democracy, this is anarchy!" screamed Ms. Prib. "These frogs are mine!"
"Not anymore!" screamed Sevvie, sticking out her tongue at Ms. Prib. "The frogs are ours!" Sevvie banged the pot she was wearing on her head for vaguely understood reasons. "Students, move out! We shall relocate the frogs to the pond! They shall live our their days in peace!" The children of Mr Laris's class ran out of the classroom, and many of the students of Ms. Prib's class followed them.
"No! Don't you leave! This is your class!"
"The frogs are free!" chanted the students. "The frogs are free!"
Emily began to cry. "It's gross, but cute! I don't want to kill Mr. Froggy." Many of the other students also objected, but Ms Prib silenced them.
"They are just frogs! Now, take your knives, and-"
The door slammed open, and Sevvie was there, the rest of her class and her teacher following her. "We're here to save the Froggies!" And before Ms. Prib could react, the students leaped into action, picking up the frogs from the students. Many of the students in the class helped evacuate the frogs, and Jiro handed Sevvie his own frog, who he had mentally named Jeremy Fisher.
"This is ridiculous!" screamed Ms. Prib. "Mr. Laris, your students have invaded my classroom!"
"I know." said Mr. Laris, laughing. "Isn't it just wonderful? The students are learning about democracy, and the value of living things. Isn't everything such a learning opportunity?"
"This isn't democracy, this is anarchy!" screamed Ms. Prib. "These frogs are mine!"
"Not anymore!" screamed Sevvie, sticking out her tongue at Ms. Prib. "The frogs are ours!" Sevvie banged the pot she was wearing on her head for vaguely understood reasons. "Students, move out! We shall relocate the frogs to the pond! They shall live our their days in peace!" The children of Mr Laris's class ran out of the classroom, and many of the students of Ms. Prib's class followed them.
"No! Don't you leave! This is your class!"
"The frogs are free!" chanted the students. "The frogs are free!"
After the frog fiasco and freedom, the students eventually returned to Ms. Prib's class. "While you students were all gone, we took a very important test! It will count for 20% of your grade! I bet you all are sad you missed it!"
There was a knock at the door. Ms. Prib answered it to a tall black man who none of them had seen before. "Hello, students, I've come to introduce myself. I'm Dr. Tanser, this school's temporary new principal. Um, which one of you children is Jiro Ashbur-Nesline?"
Jiro raised his hand. "That's me, sir."
"Alright, Jiro, I'd like to talk to you. Don't worry, you're not in trouble. Ms. Prib, you are."
"Me? In trouble? For what?"
Jiro blinked innocently. "Oh! My dad put a link to a website on the back of his permission slip form. Maybe you could show it to the class?" Jiro left the classroom, and Dr. Tanser left with him.
"Alright, Jiro, and hello viewers! Jiro, I want you to know that the school board has been watching this livestream as it's been taking place, and they are conducting a very serious investigation into what's been happening here. Many of the parents of the students in your class have also seen this livestream, and are also very upset with what's been going on. It's likely that Ms. Prib will be fired."
"That's wonderful!" said Jiro, smiling. "Um, I mean, wonderful that we'll be getting a better teacher."
"I certainly hope you will. Anyway, I wanted to keep you up to date on what's been happening, and-"
The door was practically slammed off its handles, as Ms. Prib marched through it. "ILLEGAL! ILLEGAL! RECORDING A TEACHER IS ILLEGAL! I have called the police, to send this child to jail!"
Jiro froze up, and Dr. Tanser patted him. "Jiro, you're not going to jail. I doubt the police is even coming."
Ms. Prib reached for Jiro, grabbing the camera that looked through a hole in his shirt. "Ms Prib! Get your hands off this student!' yelled Dr. Tanser, but Ms Prib pulled out the camera, crushing it in one fist and then stomping on it.
"There! There nobody can see us anymore! Jiro, you are the worst student ever! If I get fired, I will make it so that you will never-" Ms. Prib's attention turned to Dr. Tanser, talking into his security walky talky, and she grabbed that from him, smashing it to the ground. "THERE! THERE, NO! NOW WE ARE FREE!"
The school's security officer came up the stairs, and Ms. Prib screamed inconherently at him, before running down the hallway. "We're free!" "We're free!" Many of the students began cheering. Even the students from Mr. Laris's class came out to cheer with them.
"That's how you must have heard about the frogs!" exclaimed Emily.
"You also yelled real loudly about them." said Sevvie. "Hooray, Jiro, three cheers, Ms. Prib is dead."
"Ms. Prib is not dead." said Dr. Tanser. "However, she is most likely never going back to this school. And we are conducting a very serious investigation into the bullying at this school. If the school board makes me full-time principal, things will be very different here. Very different indeed."
There was a knock at the door. Ms. Prib answered it to a tall black man who none of them had seen before. "Hello, students, I've come to introduce myself. I'm Dr. Tanser, this school's temporary new principal. Um, which one of you children is Jiro Ashbur-Nesline?"
Jiro raised his hand. "That's me, sir."
"Alright, Jiro, I'd like to talk to you. Don't worry, you're not in trouble. Ms. Prib, you are."
"Me? In trouble? For what?"
Jiro blinked innocently. "Oh! My dad put a link to a website on the back of his permission slip form. Maybe you could show it to the class?" Jiro left the classroom, and Dr. Tanser left with him.
"Alright, Jiro, and hello viewers! Jiro, I want you to know that the school board has been watching this livestream as it's been taking place, and they are conducting a very serious investigation into what's been happening here. Many of the parents of the students in your class have also seen this livestream, and are also very upset with what's been going on. It's likely that Ms. Prib will be fired."
"That's wonderful!" said Jiro, smiling. "Um, I mean, wonderful that we'll be getting a better teacher."
"I certainly hope you will. Anyway, I wanted to keep you up to date on what's been happening, and-"
The door was practically slammed off its handles, as Ms. Prib marched through it. "ILLEGAL! ILLEGAL! RECORDING A TEACHER IS ILLEGAL! I have called the police, to send this child to jail!"
Jiro froze up, and Dr. Tanser patted him. "Jiro, you're not going to jail. I doubt the police is even coming."
Ms. Prib reached for Jiro, grabbing the camera that looked through a hole in his shirt. "Ms Prib! Get your hands off this student!' yelled Dr. Tanser, but Ms Prib pulled out the camera, crushing it in one fist and then stomping on it.
"There! There nobody can see us anymore! Jiro, you are the worst student ever! If I get fired, I will make it so that you will never-" Ms. Prib's attention turned to Dr. Tanser, talking into his security walky talky, and she grabbed that from him, smashing it to the ground. "THERE! THERE, NO! NOW WE ARE FREE!"
The school's security officer came up the stairs, and Ms. Prib screamed inconherently at him, before running down the hallway. "We're free!" "We're free!" Many of the students began cheering. Even the students from Mr. Laris's class came out to cheer with them.
"That's how you must have heard about the frogs!" exclaimed Emily.
"You also yelled real loudly about them." said Sevvie. "Hooray, Jiro, three cheers, Ms. Prib is dead."
"Ms. Prib is not dead." said Dr. Tanser. "However, she is most likely never going back to this school. And we are conducting a very serious investigation into the bullying at this school. If the school board makes me full-time principal, things will be very different here. Very different indeed."
"I dunno why you had to livestream it, though." said Sevvie. "Wouldn't just showing the school board the video be good enough?"
Jiro shrugged. "It wasn't all about Ms. Prib. And it really wasn't all about bullying."
"Then what was it about, Jiro?"
Jiro smiled. "Today they've learned that if they mess with me, their life will be completely destroyed."
Sevvie hugged Jiro. "You are learning, little brother.... you are truly learning."
Jiro shrugged. "It wasn't all about Ms. Prib. And it really wasn't all about bullying."
"Then what was it about, Jiro?"
Jiro smiled. "Today they've learned that if they mess with me, their life will be completely destroyed."
Sevvie hugged Jiro. "You are learning, little brother.... you are truly learning."
Author's Notes:
This story is wretched and that's all I gotta say.
...no, let's say more.
Nobody acts in this story like real people. Jiro's solution is beyond impossible, going into a realm of what, Jiro? Everyone is written poorly. However, there is a singular okay part, and I will call it "Xander's Speech (and segment surrounding)". Not the whole report card review part, which is over the top, but the part surrounding Xander.
This is the epitome of wretched Xamfam.
Fuck Report Card.
Length: 4384 words
Date: March 23rd, 2015
Note: Despite the fact that it is not technically long enough to be a snooplet, it is listed as one because it trudges on, and on, and on.
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